Rollercoaster Emotions

Again, I can't believe that I haven't written anything for almost a month even though I don't have a full-time job at the moment. A couple of teaching jobs have kept me busy. My family also brought up too many old emotions since I came back.

I feel dread. I feel anger and sadness welling up. I'm afraid I might have depression again because I can't seem to find the light in life. I feel quite stuck. In fact my life would be quite lovely if I didn't have to worry about my parents' inability to take care of themselves. I would feel no stress at all if I didn't have to see a retired banker who lost all his pension in the stock market twice within 3 years and spending so much money buying lottery tickets every day hoping to be a billionaire some day. I would feel no guilt for my lack of ambition in career if I didn't have to see a low self-esteem woman still unable to leave this man and get trapped in this jail.

If those two people were not miserable they wouldn't put so much hope in me and I wouldn't need to feel guilty. I need to conquer this guilt feeling while still living with them.

I had a good first date today. I feel quite positive about it.