Somewhere Only We Know

Keane's concert was amazing. Tom is such a great live singer and somehow he looks quite similar to Cato.

"I'm getting old and I need something to rely on so tell me when you're gonna let me in. I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin."

Last night after crying myself to sleep, I decided to tell the truth to Ken the following day because 1) it wasn't fair to me as I do have feelings for him and he can't just keep me around without further commitment and 2) if there were no tomorrow I'd want him to know how I feel or I'd definitely regret it.

So this afternoon around 3pm, I went to the pier, sitting on the bench, watching the ocean and amazing blue sky, and practicing reading my script to him. It made me feel so nauseated to just practice reading the script. Finally I gathered a rush within my body and dialed his number. He answered.

"Hey what's up," he asked.
"Hey are you busy?" I asked.
"No. What's up?"
"Good. I need to tell you something so listen carefully."
"OK."
"Yesterday after our lunch I felt really sick. I felt nauseated listening to you talk about how you met Love's friend. Somehow last night I even cried my eyes out."
"Why?"
"The only plausible explanation I can come up with is that I may have caught feelings for you. I feel like throwing up as I'm telling you this. Thank you for listening. So what do you think?"
Then he made me repeat the part where I said I caught feelings for him several times because the signal was breaking up. He told me he was flattered but because of his work and the fact that he's both physically and emotionally burned out he can't do the job. He also explained that the coffee date with Love's friend was just hanging out as a friend like the other coffee date he went to when he was crashing at my place. I said, "I know but I didn't feel anything about it before." Then he said he didn't want us to feel awkward in the future and I said, "yeah but I need to take a break from you. And I still need you to help me deposit my check." He said, "aren't you going back to the City of Rain anyway? I'll definitely deposit the check for you. But are you feeling better now?" I said, "yes but I might cry again and then I'll be OK." He continued, "I'm not worth it." I asked, "why do you always say that about yourself?" He replied, "it's true."

After the phone call I cried a little more, but much less than I imagined. Then I felt so relieved because I can finally let Ken go. I got myself an answer and I can finally stop figuring him out on my own. Somehow I'm not afraid of losing him at all; I felt really scared of losing him before I called but after the call I don't feel that way anymore. Telling the truth feels so much better than just keeping everything to myself and silently walking away. Yes, I deserve him knowing how I feel. I feel I have even more power to my life now. If he is a real man, or the right man, he will come after me; if he's not, other better men will show up. Either way my life is elevated.

The quote from Stardust kept wandering around my mind. I believe there's nothing happier in the world than knowing the person who has your heart has also given his heart to you.