A Bad Dream

It's a great song by Keane, whom I'm going to see tomorrow.

Today I cried my eyes out. I went to lunch with Ken, all excited and nervous because I hadn't seen him for several weeks. It turned out the first thing he mentioned to me was that he met a girl back home in the City of Rain who went to the same undergrad as he and she was a colleague of my cousin Love. Later Love followed up with me that they even took a picture together after the lunch and Ken was very aggressive in asking her out.

At first I wanted to just spit out that I felt jealous, but I still didn't have enough courage to do so. Later that afternoon I was reading a novel at a cafe in a five-star hotel but I could barely concentrate. I felt anger, grief, and eventually extreme nausea. I crawled up in a ball and cried on the floor when I got home. Then I decided to go to my neighborhood cafe and read some more. After coming home I was listening to my Love Playlist on my iPhone and tears just kept rolling down. For most of the time I wasn't thinking about Ken; I was thinking about my childhood, Ivan, and Eric. I wish I had a smooth, peaceful, loving childhood so that I could be a much more joyful person and grieve less easily. I recall from time to time when Ivan told me that if he met my parents one day he would confront them for treating me the way they did because he found me so loveable. As for Eric, he once told me in his car that I am much stronger than I thought; he said that because I was going through a great deal of anxiety about my previous job and planning the quit it the very Friday. These three things would further make me recall what Ivan told me why he broke up with me, "you need someone who can take care of you and I can't do that." In fact throughout my whole life I had to take care of myself on my own for survival; I don't want to be stronger than I thought and I want to be cared for. Ivan's breakup line always makes me cry.

"I wake up, it's a bad dream. No one on my side. I was fighting but I just feel too tired to be fighting.
Guess I'm not the fighting kind. Wouldn't mind it if you were by my side but you're long gone..."

I must keep believing there is a real, great man out there who is so big to love both himself and me and looking for me. I believe he is trying as much as he can to be here with me and I'm doing the same for him.