No woman no cry.

I've been listening to this song by Bob Marley live. No woman no cry.

I do need a good cry, a loud cry that exhausts me and makes me fall asleep. Last night I hooked up with Cato again, hoping he'd ask me the question I've been craving for: Would you like to be my girlfriend?

Obviously the question was never asked, and I still made out with him. Honestly since nobody is going to love my soul I'd rather have a few moments when I can lie to myself that some man actually cares about me and making out is the only way I can feel cared for. So yes, I let Cato stay over at my place again and in the morning the parting process always has prolonged, procrastinated kisses, which makes me feel loved and treasured, even though afterwards I have to convince myself again that nobody really gives a shit.

But somehow I don't feel that sad. I think I've given up the value of my body and myself. In other words, I am just a valueless person. All the education, bilingualism, success, physical fitness are all useless. They do not add any value to me; I simply cannot be valued by any man at all. If my value was an objective existence, why would no one be able see that?

I talked to Ken briefly today and I kind of miss him. Our relationship was platonic but I felt cared for. I enjoyed rides back and forth to work with him; I enjoyed going furniture shopping with him all night. Nevertheless, he is not going to love me either. Cato said he cares about me but it's not love. Ivan said the same thing, i.e. that he cared about me but continuously hurt me.

What is love really? All the nice guys I've been with have turned into jerks, so nice guys can't love. Or maybe they can, but just not me. Then it's all coming back to me again. What is my problem then? I think I am loving and sensitive; I try to take good care of the man, flatter him, appreciate him, admire him, sacrifice for him, and change for him. But no man is capable of doing any of these for me. What have I done wrong? I wish I could have the answer so badly so I can be with someone again and make things right.

At the moment I feel polyamorous. I am still looking for someone whom I can date other than Cato. This is the only way that makes me feel less depressed.