Feeling the Same Way

Last night Cato asked me a question: If I could say anything to my parents without worrying about the consequences what would I say?

I hesitated and never answered the question. But tonight I just have all the depressing thoughts going all over my head.

7 years ago, I was able to connect with someone without any physical intimacy. We exchanged diaries and talked about the most emotionally intimate things. Yes I was young and naive, but that made me feel so safe. I mean, really safe, rather than just numbness and absence of expectation. Last night, Cato and I almost did it, and I resisted eventually. In fact I actually thought for a while that I should have just got rid of my virginity like that, but I went back to my very original ideal that my first time has to be given to someone who truly loves me.

How did I go from a naive loving girl to a monster who almost gave her virginity to just a hookup? Me and Cato may be able to go farther down the road, but as of now it's still so early and we almost did it. For most people in the world that's entirely normal and common but it's simply not the case for me. I had those silly ideals for romance and maybe I still have a few of them left in me. However, it all makes me sad to realize how much I've changed over the past few years. So many ideals are gone and I have to keep lowering my expectation for love. Perhaps some day if some guy gives me $1 million I'd call that love as well.

I wish I wasn't born in this weird family. I wish I wasn't unwanted pregnancy. I wish I wasn't raised as a boy. I wish I was never an instrument for my mom to gain security from my dad against his first wife. I wish I wasn't born a bastard. I wish there was never domestic violence at my home. I wish I was born in a loving family where at least security was always present; I wish my fear did not come from my family but elsewhere. I wish I were the first child born to a normal married couple who were doing whatever they could to anticipate their first birth. I wish my parents had steady financial plan so I wasn't born rich and now extremely poor. These are my answers to Cato's question.

Relationships are still hard for me. I'm less needy than before because I have no expectations. Sometimes I even wonder if having no expectations is equivalent to having no hope. I often feel all the guys I've been with so far are only attracted to my appearance rather than who I am. Surely appearance and chemistry are important, but I do crave for someone who is able to be there for me and understand the way I think and why I think that way. It is so hard to find that someone. I feel so vulnerable yet fairly numb. What if all I need or all I can have is just a puppy after all?