Not so bad.

Or it's only because it can't be worse.

I thought I decided not to see Cato anymore but apparently we hooked up over and over again. Things are really sweet for most of the time, but for other times I still feel really scared and lonely. Like tonight he went out to party without me and didn't spend the night with me; it made me feel a little disappointed and recall all the bad memories. Then I tried to focus on work again and listened to Pandora so it got better. I almost cried at some point but still couldn't squeeze out the tears.

Cato didn't go the Halloween party with me. I just went with my buddies instead. Partying seems so lame when everyone else is making out with someone except for you. I love PDA. I think kissing in public is a magical moment when everything in the outside world does not matter at all; the universe is drawn to only the two people, to that momentum, to that kiss. This morning when Cato was leaving my apartment he kissed me on the porch outside of my building; that was the most public display of affection he's ever done so far and that made me high for half of the day.

I talked to Greg for a couple of hours yesterday. At the beginning we were just talking about career and stuff because I'm interested in some businesses at his company. Then we were just catching up on the most complicated issue in life. He doesn't see a future with his current girlfriend and they have broken up for like 100 times but somehow they're still together for the sex; I believe there is love too but he's not falling freely either. I told him about Cato and that I am different person now. I mean, yes, I do hope Cato could initiate more and I am insecure but on the other hand, my expectation is really low and I think about him way less than I used to when dating Ivan; I am not as emotional as before either. I think the relationship with Ivan has taken all my energy and feelings and now I don't have much left in me to give. I do care about Cato; I try to please him and be there for him but if he doesn't call or text me for a day I am still pretty fine. I also have backup options so if he hurts me I will be able to move away my attention quickly. I am also very tolerable to differences now and considerate (if not more than before); this is because I still trust him a lot. I just believe he's a special man and he needs some time to figure this out as he's only 22; after all it's been only 2.5 weeks since we first hooked up.

One funny thing is I can actually sleep with him in a twin bed. When I was dating Ivan I had a full size bed and I couldn't stand sleeping with him; now I only have a twin size bed and I actually enjoy sleeping with Cato in this small twin bed. I guess it's because he'd hold me tight all night and that feels so safe.

The first snow has hit the City of Power today, which is 1.5 months earlier than usual. The climate change is real and I hope my career in renewable energy and finance will soon contribute something to the planet.

How many times can I break till I shatter? Over the line can't define what I'm after; I always turn the car around.