Withdrawn Again.

I have decided to withdraw myself from opening up to Cato. Yes, it took me only one day to get so scared and quit the game.

From his Facebook photos I can tell that he's popular among women and probably has a girlfriend that I don't know. Besides, the fact that he's so young means there is no way he wants to settle down right now.

And I, am going nowhere again. I have been single for almost two years and haven't touched a guy for more than a year. Why is it so hard for me to date again? Guys I like don't want to date me while guys I don't like are all over me. I am surrounded by a lot of men in my life actually but I haven't dated anyone of them. The fear for even getting intimate to a man is so overwhelming that I even find it incredible to withdraw within only one day. One day. That's the maximum amount of time I can open up to someone. Seriously?

Sometimes I wish I could scream; sometimes I wish I could eat nothing but ice cream all day. Unfortunately I can't do none of those. And my dog Baby is not here with me either. I need something that I can indulge myself in. Yes, my career. I am going on a big business trip this week to the City of Money. But damn, Cato is going on the trip too.

Indulge, indulge, indulge. I don't want to face any of the reality. The reality is anyone with a penis cannot be trusted, including my own father. I cannot imagine investing so much time, energy, and soul to another man like I did to Ivan. I don't think I'll be able to handle another failed relationship. A failed relationship does not limit to a relationship that doesn't work; it kills to see your loved one actually thinks about someone else all the time. It is really suicidal.

I think I need to speak with my therapist soon. I have so many "friends" in my life yet I can only speak with my therapist about this.