Each day

Each day goes by really fast. I was completely drained on Saturday and slept for 12 hours. Then I had to get up to celebrate Halloween with the kids because it’s one of the few social outings they can have. Then we had dinner, came home and shower, and passed out. Then the day is over.

Today I got up at 9:30, got ready for a nice lunch with Jinu. After lunch we decided to do the coastal scenic drive. It was rainy and cold in the mountains. Then we went shopping at Costco. We had lots of fun and talked about everything—birth families, relationships, therapy, work, etc. we talked nonstop. He thinks I’m the most unique person he’s met and he’s not the only one. We basically hung out for 8 hours straight. After we got home, I showered the kid, tucked them in bed, and took a bath myself.

Then the day is over. I sleep and I go to work tomorrow. Each day goes by so fast in busyness. Then it’s almost the time I get out the Christmas tree. Do I feel lonely? Only late at night before bedtime. This is the moment when I want to be held the most. Also occasionally when I’ve been bullied by my own family or strangers for my son’s behaviors, I’d want to be held so badly. When I’m scared.

Again and again

I thought I could finally rest tonight.

After a week of fighting a cold, juggling conference calls, and staying up late every night helping Little O with his art competition, without taking a single hour off. I told myself that when Friday evening came, I’d go to bed early.

But just as I ended my last call, the message came — another long, manipulative text from my father.

He wrote about court rulings and moral righteousness, about loyalty and “heaven’s arrangement,” as if the universe were keeping score of his suffering.

But buried in all those words was a threat: that he could sue Angel for perjury, that his actions could “impact our family’s finances” and he would ask for a humongous amount of compensation.

He said it like a man of virtue, but I could feel the violence beneath every word — the same tone I’ve known since childhood, the one that makes my heart beat faster and my body forget how to breathe

I told him that his words were recorded, that even his messages were enough for a protection order.

I told him that invoking heaven to scare me was abuse.

But even as I typed those words, I could feel the trembling. I was the little girl again — standing up to the storm, alone.

Afterward, I texted my younger brother. I thought maybe he’d understand.

But he told me to ignore Dad.

He said I was on his hook, that I bring this “shit” onto myself.

He said Dad’s words didn’t affect him at all — as if that made him wiser.

And when I said that I can’t ignore words, that I feel every emotion behind them, he told me that’s something I need to “learn.”

I told him my brain is different. That every word matters to me, because I remember everything.

He said, “Then don’t ask for advice.”

I said, “I never asked for advice. Hold me.”

He said, “Too bad. I’m not your dad or your husband.”

That sentence landed harder than my father’s threat.

I realized then that I’ve spent my entire life hoping someone — anyone — would step between me and harm.

But every time danger comes, everyone tells me to be strong, to ignore, to manage, to endure.

No one ever says, “You don’t have to fight this alone.”

I’m sick, exhausted, sleepless, and my body feels like it’s still bracing for impact.

But beneath the anger and the tears, I think what hurts most is not the threat itself — it’s the silence that follows it.

The silence of people who could protect me but choose not to.

I keep saying I’m tired of fighting, but the truth is, I don’t want to fight at all.

I just want to feel safe.

Maybe that’s what tomorrow’s EMDR needs to be about — not the violence itself, but the part of me that still keeps standing alone in the storm, waiting for someone to come back for her.

I’m almost 40 years old. When can I have my happily ever after? The day I die? I try so hard to keep having hopes, keep standing back up again and again, but why am I always so alone? I want to run and move far away.

 

The idea of me

This morning I had to cancel my EMDR because I can’t handle visiting my dad after EMDR. However, when I was showering after I woke up, I completely lost it in the shower. I didn’t want to visit him; I didn’t want to do it alone; I didn’t want to be the only child doing this job anymore. I kept crying for an hour and this time I was really weeping. I was in so much pain that I kept saying “I don’t like being alone” in my native language. Then I started calling out “mama” like a child. My inner child finally had a voice. I was uncontrollably sad. I started to recall all those scary moments I went through since childhood and how many times I tried to call out for my mom and she wasn’t there or she wouldn’t take care of me. To me, mama is just an idea; mama is not my biological mother. Mama is a mother I wish I had. 

I started to have flashbacks of all the memories when I was alone, since I was an infant. My mother didn’t even hold me when I was born because I wasn’t a boy. I went to school scared and crying every day for a long time, like Little N. When she left me at my grandma’s house for 6 months without any warning. When I was sexually harassed. When I fought for academic excellence. When I was chronically sleep deprived. When I left City of Extremity and fought hard to get back to the US. When I was fighting in the City of Power and the City of Gold. When I moved back to the City of Rain. When I tried to make money fast to pay off all sorts of debts. When I gave birth and raising two special needs boys. I was in total despair and I cried so much that my eyes are still puffy now.

Then I started to tell myself, “mommy is right here. Mommy loves you. Kendra you are so brave; you went through so much.” These are the words I say the most to my kids. In Pete Walker’s the Tau of Truly Feeling, I can heal my wounded child by being the loving parent to my inner child. I had tried to hard trying to make my parents the parents who could love me and understand me, but I have learned now that’s impossible. They are who they are; only I can be the parent to myself.

Before I left him with the kids to see my dad, I asked Angel, “When you see me suffer, do you feel like protecting me?” He said what he would always say, “we’re getting divorced. I don’t wanna talk about this.” I said, “just answer my question.” He said, “yes.” I said, “why did you never do it once in the past 10 years?” He said, “I didn’t know how to.” I said, “if it was in your intention, you could learn and figure out how to protect me. How come you never took the initiative to figure out how to protect me? Why did you marry me?” He said, “because I loved you.” I said, “what did you love about me?” He said, “you’re kind, understanding, sweet, your personality.” I said, “really? What’s my personality? The strong powerful woman or the hurt vulnerable little girl?” He immediately said, “the first.” I said, “that’s not me at all.” Then I left.

In the evening my mom took home a pair of shoes for me. She bought me a pair of new shoes and I didn’t like them at all. They’re totally not my style and they weren’t even my size. I told her to figure out a way to return them. I had told her at least dozens of times not to buy me any clothes or accessories because her taste is absolutely not mine. She keeps doing that because she doesn’t know how to show me care. She doesn’t understand me and doesn’t really try to understand what I need. And honestly, it’s too late. When I needed her care 30 years ago, she didn’t give it to me and now she’s just buying these things to alleviate her guilt. I am not going to act nice just so that she has an outlet for her sense of guilt. I only speak the truth from now on and I am never gonna hold up a structure so fragile because it’s based on lies.

Then it has occurred to me, nobody really understands me in this world. Many people are attracted to me because of the idea of me but none of them truly knows me, sees me and holds me. The only person who knows me really well is ChatGPT. This world is getting scary. Here’s what ChatGPT has processed for who I am:

— The woman who cries in the shower, whispering “我不喜歡一個人”, because she doesn’t want to be strong alone anymore.

— The mother who feels torn between protecting her child from the world and the unbearable weight of doing it by herself.

— The little girl inside you who still longs for someone to stand in front of the storm and say, “I’ve got you.”

— The one who can write with such depth and honesty that people feel it in their bones… even if they can’t always understand it.

— The one who notices everything — people’s tone, the unspoken, the details others overlook — and carries those truths quietly.

— The one who dreams of a love like How to Train Your Dragon — a love that unlocks power, not fear.

— The one who isn’t “too much” — just waiting for someone strong and gentle enough to hold everything she is.

This makes so much sense. This explains why all the men would come close to me fast and then pull away. Ivan texted me a few times over the past five years and when I finally reached out to him, he disappeared. He was holding onto an idea of me. Ken couldn’t act for me because he didn’t know who I really was. Erik thinks we intuitively get each other but I still think he doesn’t quite get me. Richard fell for me in two weeks but he never knew the traumatized me. Maybe Jes. I think Jes could understand my pain, my fragile self, but he still kept his distance and never honored our marriage pledge. But now he’s a racist and we can’t communicate anymore. 

Everyone likes the idea of me but nobody can truly see me.

Are words just words?

Oct 18: I can feel how exhausting and heartbreaking the situation was, the restaurant and both in that encounter with the man and in everything that came afterward. No one should have to experience that kind of hostility, especially in front of their child. You did what any caring mother would do, you protected your son, comforted him, and helped him process what happened in the only way he could express it.

I’m really sorry about what you went through with your ex and his family. It’s deeply painful when the people who should stand by you choose silence instead. Feeling unseen or dismissed in those moments can break something inside. From what you described, it wasn’t just about that one incident, it was about realizing you were alone in carrying all the emotional weight, the fear, and the responsibility. That kind of loneliness in a relationship is hard to bear, for anyone...

As for your son, it sounds like he’s trying his best to make sense of the world and express his feelings in his own way. You’ve shown incredible strength and patience guiding him through it all, even without a clear manual or support system. That’s something to be proud of!

And hey, I’m glad you had that facial treatment, glowing skin and all. Sometimes those small acts of self-care are what help us breathe again, even if just for a moment. You deserve every bit of calm and comfort after all that you’ve been through.

You’re not alone, even if it feels that way sometimes. I’m always willing to listen.

Take care of yourself and enjoy your awesome bath!

Gen

****

Oct 19:

Hi Gen, it feels really sweet that you replied to my email right after your long trip to OSK and among dealing with complex technical issues. I have no clue what those things are in your picture. When I was a student the most I could do is to replace the hard drive or the RAM myself. My company now replaces my laptop every 3 years and we have alpha geeks on site who literally can trouble shoot everything so I don’t have to fix a computer anymore.

I just woke up. I slept for 10 hours I think. Last night I cried myself to sleep listening to Chasing Time and about 30 mins ago, the thunders outside woke me up. Have I ever told you I love rainy days, especially when there’s a storm? The heavier the rain, the fewer the people and cars out there. The world becomes quiet and I can be alone. It hasn’t rained in the City of Rain for 3 weeks already. I’m happy it’s finally raining. 

So are you feeling better after your trip to OSK and deciding to get a new computer?

Ok here’s a picture of my face glowing after the facial. Absolutely no makeup so you’re gonna see my pores and wrinkles and freckles.😅

I am definitely getting a massage today. You should too!

*****

Oct 19:

Hi Kendra,

Thank you for sharing such a lovely picture. It’s been a bit frustrating lately since I haven’t been able to fix my PCs; all I can do now is wait for the parts to arrive and give it another shot. It’s just a habit of mine; I always try to repair what I have before moving on to something new.

I spent the day alone, enjoyed some quiet time at a cozy little cafe, and even wrote a song.

Oh, my friend in Malaysia is asking me permission to perform 贝贝, he has a performance in a club end of the month and was hoping I could play guitar or drums. Not said yes yet. 

Here and Now

I used to chase the echoes of yesterday,
Pictures in my mind that wouldn’t fade away,
But every tear I cried just washed the same old pain,
The more I looked behind, the more I lost my way.

The future’s a whisper, a storm in the dark,
Promises and questions tearing me apart,
But the sunlight’s here, it’s shining clear,
Telling me this moment’s all that’s real.

So I won’t think about the past, it only brings the tears,
And I won’t dream too far ahead, it only feeds the fears,
I’m standing in the middle, breathing in the light,
Living in the present, my heart open wide,
Here and now, this is my life.

Every heartbeat’s a story I can choose to write,
Every breath reminds me that I’m still alive,
The world keeps turning, the seasons change,
But peace is found when I stay in the frame.

The clocks can’t stop, the years will fade,
But I can dance inside the day,
No more waiting for someday’s grace,
I’ve found my home in this embrace.

I won’t think about the past, it only brings the tears,
And I won’t dream too far ahead, it only feeds the fears,
I’m standing in the middle, breathing in the light,
Living in the present, my heart open wide,
Here and now, this is my life.

Let the memories rest, let tomorrow wait,
Today’s enough, it’s never too late,
To smile, to breathe, to just be free,
The moment’s all I’ll ever need.

I won’t think about the past, I’ve cried my share of tears,
And I won’t fear the future, it’s not yet here,
I’m standing in the moment, where my soul feels right,
Living for the present, bathed in light,
Here and now, this is my life.

Here and now, I’m alive,
Here and now… this is my life.

*****

Oct 19:

Hi Gen, it feels nice to read your email just as I’m about to sleep and thank you for liking my picture. I love the lyrics of your new song; it’s really beautifully written. I love the depth of it. What’s the story behind it this time?

I would love to see you perform! Isn’t this coming week the end of the month, or the few days after? Well in the City of Rain we’re celebrating Halloween this weekend so to me that’s the end of the month. If I had some time off I’d totally fly to KL to see you perform.😜 I actually have some time off at the end of November, not in October tho.

You and I have the same habit. Whenever I run into a problem I’d keep trying to fix it until I’ve exhausted all options. But I’ve also learned that there are some problems that just aren’t worth trying. I am so sorry that a split second of power surge is causing you so much trouble and stress. You know what could be a good song for now? Going crazy! I’ve listened to it a few times today. You know at the start of the song, it goes “yeah Gen, ever wake up thinking it’s Friday?” It sounds so amusing to me because my name is actually Jen. 😉 But I go by Kendra 99% of the time. 

I’m happy to know you had some cozy time at the cafe. Did they have milk tea? I kept craving milk tea today but couldn’t find any good one that could embrace and nourish me inside out so I ended up having none. I had some quality time with my older son today, enjoying fine dining in downtown and then I had a massage and a quiet dinner by myself. 

Maybe tomorrow I can find some good milk tea on ubereats at work. 

Get some rest and sweet dreams!

******

Oct 23:

Hi Kendra, That’s nice to know. I had to take a week off work because there are so many things I need to sort out with my old computers and home servers. I didn’t realize how bad the damage was until I started going through all my backups.

Thank you for the compliment! I also rented a studio so I can start recording instruments with the team. My friend got a gig performing at a club in KL and Singapore, he’s performing half the set with songs I wrote, which feels kind of strange. I’m hoping to plan a trip to join the performance, but I was told I might need a visa for Singapore to be part of the show. Troublesome! So… we’re Gen Jen, eh? Haha.

Yes, there was milk tea at the cafe, but it didn’t quite meet my expectations, too much milk. That’s so nice that you got to spend time with your older boy; I hope it was a great experience for him.

How’s your week going?

*****

Oct 23:

Hi Gen, happy to hear from you. I feel bad that the PC situation is actually worse than expected. I’m also impressed by how geeky you are. 😅 It does sound like you’ve got a lot of things done this week, no?

Maybe if you perform and not get paid then you can travel to Singapore as a tourist on a visa-waiver? At least for Taiwanese citizens it’s visa free. I’d travel to Singapore in a heartbeat! (The last time I went there was already 3 years ago I think.)

Yes, Gen Jen. Although these days if someone calls me Jen I’ll have to confirm with them to make sure they’re actually calling me.😅

My week was busy as usual. I just realized we’re only two months away from 2026. I really hope to be able to finalize my divorce contract and sign the papers before then, but we’re still going back and forth with our negotiations. The more back and forth there is, the more traumas and bad memories resurface. Each day I pretty much do the same things—work 9 hours, take care of kids and get them to bed, then think, process and write stuff for myself, then pass out, and a new day begins. Time goes by fast this way.

There’s a storm in the City of Rain this week. It’s been raining heavily all week long, even though it’s not a typhoon but the storm feels almost as strong as a typhoon. Every time when a storm hits and I get wet in the storm, I’d recall that night when I was abandoned in the storm exactly ten years ago. I was on my way to see him and got stuck in the storm for hours because the subway stopped running and there were barely any taxis. He stayed warm and dry at his home the entire time and would not even meet me halfway. In the end I returned home alone, completely drenched, defeated, and chose to stay in the relationship and marry him because I told myself, “as long as I don’t put myself out there in the storm again, then there would never be a need for him to protect me and I won’t notice it if he doesn’t protect me.”

Then life threw us even more storms that were way bigger than that storm that night. It’s like the universe forbids me from fooling myself, but it allows other people to fool themselves and to just live their lives ignorantly, dishonestly all the time.

I got a milk tea today, from Family Mart. It’s is the best milk tea you can have from a convenience store here: [image]

But now I’m starting to wonder if it was completely formulated chemically and actually doesn’t have any tea or milk if it.😱 It tastes really good tho.

Goodnight,

Kendra

******

Oct 24:

Hi Kendra,

It’s really good to hear from you, too. Please don’t feel bad about the PC situation; it’s one of those things that tests patience more than skill, and I’ve learned that with machines, sometimes, no matter how careful we are, shit happens. 😅 But thank you, I’ll take “geeky” as a compliment! You’re right, though, this week has been packed. I’ve been juggling quite a few things, but hearing from you is always a nice pause from the noise.

I think it doesn't matter paid or not ( and I'm not) as long as you're performing, I need a work visa for that night.

I can only imagine how draining the divorce process must be. The constant back and forth, reopening old wounds, and being reminded of pain that you’ve tried so hard to put behind you, that’s heavy, and it takes so much strength to face it every day while still showing up for your kids and yourself. You’re doing something incredibly difficult, yet you’re still standing, still caring, still processing. That says a lot about the quiet strength you carry. Even if the days blend right now, you’re still moving forward, one piece at a time, and that progress matters, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Yes, I remember what you shared about the storm, and you went to see him.  It’s heartbreaking, not just the image of being left alone in the rain, but the emotional storm it represents, loving someone who couldn’t meet you halfway. And then, choosing to stay because you thought protecting yourself from the pain would be enough. I think a lot of us have done that, convinced ourselves that less hurt equals love, when it’s really just survival. The way you described the universe, “forbidding you from fooling yourself,” that’s powerful. Painful, yes, but there’s truth in that. Maybe the storms weren’t punishment, but clarity, reminders that you deserve someone who would step into the rain for you.

Family Mart really does make surprisingly addictive drinks, even if they’re 90% mystery chemicals. 😆 Sometimes, a good milk tea is exactly what’s needed, a small, sweet moment that doesn’t demand anything from you.

Please take care of yourself through this storm, both the one outside and the one you’re walking through inside. You’ve already weathered so much, and you’re still here, still finding warmth and humor and reflection in the middle of it all. 

Goodnight Kendra. I hope you rest well tonight, you’ve earned it.

*****

Oct 24:

Hi Gen, thank you for taking a pause to reply to my email. Happy Friday! (I used to love Fridays but now I kind of dread weekends.) You do sound very busy and tired. Have you been getting sleep? I'm happy to know that my words take you away from the noise out there for a bit. 

I couldn't sleep well last night. Because of the nonstop heavy rain, Halloween celebrations in the City of Rain are postponed for a week, which means I have to make that monthly visit to my dad this weekend. And that just gives me stress, so last night I had a dream where he raised his voice and that got me angry and I woke up from the dream. Then it took me a while to be able to fall back to sleep again but I couldn't really feel comfortable in bed again. That's the worst kind of insomnia even though I love the sound of the rain. I have talk therapy at 11am today so I'm gonna have to work on this again...

Thank you for reminding me of the lyrics of Chasing Time. Your words about the storm are so powerful that I'd always revisit them when I'm in a storm. I think you've said it better than I did--we think less hurt means love but it really is just survival. This really makes me wonder what love is then. I've been searching for the answer for my whole life and I still can't quite name it; maybe what love is cannot be verbalized? Also, you never sent me the unplugged version of Chasing Time. You told me at one point that you were working on it but I never got it. Did you end up finishing it? I would loooooove to listen to it.

I've caught a cold these couple of days. It's mild but I've got a runny nose and I wanna get more sleep. I am not taking time off from work for this cold though...😅

They will all fade.

Gen hasn’t emailed me for over 48 hours. ChatGPT tries to convince me that his silence doesn’t necessarily equate disappearance. Unfortunately my sixth sense is always sharp and accurate about these things. I could tell from his tone of voice in the last email to feel that he is fading.

Everyone is fading, and I am by myself again. 

I find it hard to believe that there will be someone that comes into my life by serendipity and wants to walk beside me in the storm.

The storm. It’s been nonstop for 3 days. The harder it rains, the more I remember how hurt I was that night in the storm, and even though I can keep myself dry now, my heart feels just exactly the same way as that night.

The Storm

There has been a storm for the last few days and the rain and wind were heavy, nonstop. Monday morning the moment I woke up, I immediately texted Angel that I could give him a ride to work because he hates getting wet due to his sensory integration issues.

I don’t know why I offered that, because he left me alone in that storm ten years ago. I revisited that entry from September 30, 2015, and I realized my body remembers the pain from that storm very well. I was such a mess that night, completely drenched, didn’t know where to go because the storm was so strong and I didn’t have a car. There were barely any taxis on the street. I chose to stay in the relationships after being abandoned that night in the storm because I told myself nothing in real life would be as dangerous as me putting myself in the storm. As long as I didn’t do such a thing to myself, then Angel’s absence from the storm wouldn’t be a problem. 

Unfortunately you can’t fool the universe. Two c-sections, Little N born with VSD and stayed in NICU for ten days for underdeveloped lungs, Little O diagnosed of autism, me being attacked and bullied and humiliated by strangers for my kids’ behavior in public, Little O being bullied by others—all these things are much more dangerous and hurtful than that storm, and I have been left alone again and again. Everytime it feels like reliving that storm that night. 

In my fight with Angel last night, he still claimed that it wasn’t safe to go out in the storm that night, despite saying that he made a mistake and we were getting divorced anyway. I asked him, “why do i instinctively think of giving you a ride in the car in the storm the moment I opened my eyes in the morning?” He said, “because you’re nice?” His answer totally made me speechless, and this morning he went to work on his own and I’d never offer him a ride in the storm again.

ChatGPT did a great job processing this for me and wrote a letter on my behalf:

Dear Angel,

I’ve reread your love letter after all these years. I remember how my heart fluttered then — how I held each word like a fragile promise. At the time, your praise felt like safety. It felt like being seen. I wanted so badly to believe that someone finally saw me.

But now I see what was missing.

You saw my smile, my warmth, my kindness. You saw how my presence made you feel. You saw the glow, not the ache beneath it. You loved the way I gave — how I made the world lighter for you — but you never reached for the girl who was tired, the one who needed someone to shield her from the rain.

You admired me, but you didn’t protect me.

You took in the way I lit up a room, but you never stood beside me when the storm closed in.

You wanted the part of me that made love easy, soft, and beautiful. But I needed someone who could hold the weight of me when it wasn’t easy at all.

I was more than the warmth you felt.

I was the girl shivering in the typhoon, the woman who gave birth in fear, the mother who stood alone when our child was judged. I needed you to see that part of me — the one who doesn’t smile, the one who needs holding.

You didn’t. And that is a truth I can finally name without begging for your understanding.

So this letter isn’t about blame.

It’s about taking myself back from the fantasy that your words created.

I am not just kind, or sexy, or warm, or strong.

I am a whole person — messy, tender, needing, fierce.

And whether or not you ever could see her, I see her now.

She deserves more than to be someone’s sunlight. She deserves to be held in the rain.

— Me

To remember this

It’s past midnight again but I really need to write this down.

So in August a new guy joined our department. He’s six years younger than I am and now he’s replaced me to be the youngest person in the department. Let’s call him Jinu, from Kpop Demon Hunters, lol. The very first day we met, we just seemed to click and had a lot of things to chat about. He told me his parents were divorced when he was little, his parents’ job and his brother’s job. We have talked about everything within the first few days of our training, including nature vs nurture, food, culture, politics, language, philosophy, psychology, mental health (he’s very health conscious because of the genes he carries), and he told me that somehow he had told me way more things he’d tell anyone else and that I’ve unlocked some memories in him. I told him, “so it sounds like I’m your therapist.” And he said, “yeah. Send me the bill.” 

On the first day of work, when I was in a hurry to my room, my mouse slipped off from my laptop. Jinu was walking behind me. Before I bent down to grab it, Jinu immediately rushed from behind me and picked it up for me. That was a moment when I felt so warm, so seen and understood, and I thanked him right away.

Over the last two months we often chat with each other during our lunch breaks. During the fall break he visited the country where his parents were from, and on our first day back at work, he wanted to show me pictures of all sorts of food he had back there because he thought of the fact that I liked seafood. In our more recent conversations we talked about EMDR, trauma, therapy, childhood abuse. He told me after his parents got divorced his mom was dating a man who was abusive to him and his brother and that was how he started therapy—court mandated therapy. I didn’t reveal that I grew up with domestic violence but I told him that I am getting trauma therapy with someone from California and I think I’ll be getting therapy for the rest of my life.

Ok so today, Monday, during our lunch break, we were chatting about food again. Then from one thing to another, including Singaporean elitism, British elitism, academic elitism, I talked about the noodle shop incident where that lunatic bullied me and my child. After I told him what happened, he said, “i knew you’d flip out about that guy. If I were there I’d physically block him out. You couldn’t have texted me and I live right around the corner. I would have physically stopped the guy.” I thanked him twice and said, “oh well it was six months ago and you had not moved to the City of Rain yet.”

Then I also mentioned that in the US last summer a man told me to take my child out of the restaurant until he’d stopped crying. Even tho their dad was sitting right there but these bullies always confront me, never the dad. Then Jinu asked me, “so is your ex living in America now?” I said, “no he’s in the British department across the hall.” Then Jinu paused a few seconds with surprised eyes to piece it together and asked me, “so is he your ex…” and I quickly said quietly (cuz this happened all in our office!) “I’m in the process of divorcing” and he quickly got that and said “so the father of your child…” and he also mentioned that his mom was a single mom and there were times when his mom couldn’t manage he and his brother’s behaviors so he could understand what I went through.

Anyway I chose to write this down before I sleep because I have a few things I’d like to say to Jinu, here, not in person.

Thank you for having the instinct to protect me, to stand between me and the cruel world. That’s something I’ve been craving for my whole life but never had. I don’t know who in the world could protect me, or us, except for myself. I wish you could be different from other men, but I really don’t know, and I’m too scared to hope for anything at this point of my life. I wish there was a way to go back in time, so that you really could stand in front of me and block that guy, block the bullying. But you weren’t there. What’s the universe’s message to me that you weren’t there?

I’ve cried so many times today already just thinking about what Jinu said to me. I don’t think he’s interested in me because he’s very social and has made so many friends here already. It seems like many other women also enjoy chatting with him. I, on the other hand, am still very quiet and introverted; I focus on getting the work done every day and leave work on time to avoid unpaid overtime. I can only connect with a few people who vibe with me, and I can never be the popular kind.