Step forward?

I asked Gen to recommend another movie that kind of made him cry and he told me about A Silent Voice, another Japanese anime, and I watched it last night.

On Tuesday I had a day off from work because I had to take Little N to the hospital. It’s now his turn to get a joint evaluation for his special needs and schooling arrangement. I can’t imagine how busy I’m going to be for the next 8 months.

Here’s my correspondence with Gen for the past few days. I’m beginning to wonder if I am fated to be kept in a liminal space with everyone. No matter how special they think I am, how strong the emotional intimacy or would resonance, people’s fear always wins and my love and presence always lose.

Me: Hi Gen, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me. I’m terrified of physical exams actually, so scared that I often procrastinate.😭 A couple of years ago they found a lump in my breast and I had a microscopic surgery to remove it. It turned out to be pre-pre-cancerous so I’ve been getting annual check ups for that and each time it still gives me so much anxiety. My next general exam is coming up in December. I like the post-exam meal and the view at my hospital though.😅 How did it go for you? I started writing this email during my lunch break but I was completely swamped at work so couldn’t finish it. Now I have just finished work and got home.

I did not sleep well last night because my Monday blues gave me a nightmare about work. Even though my job is very easy I still have nightmares about it from time to time, mostly due to my own expectations of myself. (I’m quite a perfectionist when it comes to work.)

I’m terrified of Alzheimer’s as well. I don’t think it’s genetic in my family but I’ve witnessed my grandparents deteriorate in their memory and functions before they died. Sometimes when I’m so busy with work and parenting I forget things too and I’d freak out and wonder if I’m getting Alzheimer’s. My brainpower is very central to my identity and without it I don’t know who I’ll be. I also wonder if I can’t remember things, who would still be in my memory. I hope I’d remember my kids no matter what.

As for mental health, that’s something I focus on a lot for my children. I’d rather that they can be who they are and mentally healthy than try to fit them into some system that doesn’t make them happy. Mental illness is universal especially among teenagers, not just in the US. In Taiwan 1/6 of the population has mental illness and I think the number should be even higher because so many people are undiagnosed. I see crazy people on the streets all the time. In my community I’ve seen multiple people die by suicide over the past decade, including minors and expats.

I’m not sure if there’s a surge but in the world today people are definitely more open to diagnosis and talking about it. I’ve been living with chronic depression and gone through a few nervous breakdowns in my life so I am very aware of the vicious cycle—if the caretakers themselves don’t have the emotional resources to support their children then depression just keeps getting passed down. That’s why I work so hard to heal myself because I am committed to breaking the cycle in my family. My parents do not understand emotional intimacy or mental health and therefore I grew up without compassion, and it’s also because their parents didn’t know that those things either when they were growing up and raising children. But with so much learning and thinking I’ve done today I hope I can become whole one day, or least I keep moving towards being whole. My children’s health and wellbeing are the most important things for me.

Another thing about the surge of mental illness is the socioeconomic change. The society is definitely much more complicated today; you’re not successful and attractive just because you have money. People want the whole package. There are rich people everywhere, and that’s not enough. At the same time we want charisma, physical fitness, social intelligence, emotional intelligence, cognitive intelligence, high tech literacy; basically “success” has been redefined in the 21st century and education is definitely much more competitive. Back in the old days ignorance kind of worked as a shield for people—they only knew to work hard, make money, get married, keep their kids alive. There was very little knowledge of identity or of oneself. Also the rule of law back then was not as strong as today’s; people were constantly fighting in wars or engaging in violent behaviors towards others. In most developed countries today those behaviors are no longer acceptable and therefore the outlet for rage gets targeted at oneself; rage becomes internalized.

These are my thoughts. What about yours?

It felt good to read your email at work today. You give me lots of compassion in your writing. My first day back at work was too hectic and stressful!

Gen:
What you went through sounds incredibly heavy, and I truly admire how you carried so much on your own despite everything that was happening around you.

Haha! I did go to bed quite late last night, but I still managed to get a bit of rest, so please do not worry. Reading your message now really puts things in perspective. You have been through so much, and yet you continue to show resilience and dedication as a mother.

I can completely understand why hospitals bring such complicated feelings for you. They are places where we hope to find comfort and healing, but for you, they have also been tied to moments of deep loneliness and emotional pain. To go through pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum recovery without support must have been incredibly difficult. Falling while heavily pregnant and still making your way to the hospital alone shows just how strong you are, even in moments of fear and uncertainty, and my heart aches to hear you had to experience that alone.

I can imagine how painful it must have been to see your newborn being taken into the NICU, especially when you could only visit for short periods of time. The helplessness that comes with seeing your baby surrounded by machines and medical staff, not being able to hold them freely, is something no parent should ever have to go through alone. And during the height of COVID, when everything was already so isolating, that must have felt even more unbearable. COVID was the time I witnessed the most deaths during my calls.

It takes immense courage to endure postpartum depression without medication, especially when the world around you offers little emotional support. I understand that decision, it is personal and not easy. But what matters most is that you made it through. You faced it head-on, one day at a time, even when it felt overwhelming.

I am relieved to hear that your younger child’s heart condition healed on its own. I can only imagine how much anxiety and sleeplessness you went through during that year, constantly researching, worrying, and doing everything possible to protect him. And then to have your older child diagnosed with autism right after, more hospital visits, more emotional strain, and once again, facing it all alone, it is truly remarkable that you managed to hold everything together.

Understandably, you feel a mix of emotions toward hospitals. They represent both healing and hurt for you. They are places that saved your children but also reminded you of how much you had to face without support.

What you have endured would have broken many people, but you are still standing, still showing up for your children.

I hope your child’s current exams go smoothly and that everything turns out well. You deserve moments of peace and reassurance after all that you have gone through. Please remember to take care of yourself too, even in small ways, because you have given so much of yourself to others.

You are an incredible person and a devoted mother, even if it may not always feel that way to you. I truly mean that.

Me:
I’m glad you enjoyed my humor. I hope I wasn’t too mean for you. 😉

So I just watched A Silent Voice in my bath (which meant that I took a two-hour bath and all my fingers had wrinkled). This movie is very deep too, especially that it’s focused on teenagers. Teenagers are extremely complicated creatures and this movie has handled their traumas, shame, guilt, dysfunctional families, depression superbly while ending the movie with a positive outlook. It gives me a lot of things to think about, but I’ve only cried once throughout the movie.😅

My teenage years were complicated and while most people have amnesia from age 0 to 6, I have amnesia from age 10 to 18, until recently my trauma therapy has dug them all out. Why did you like this movie? I believe there must be something that resonated with you. Is it the depression, bullying, or the soul resonance from someone whose heart is so pure but also full of trauma? I want to hear your side of the story.

Were you in Japan when COVID hit? I’m sorry that you had to witness so many deaths being in the field of medicine. I had a pretty sheltered life in the City of Rain, although the quarantine and no travel drove me nuts. The blessing was that I had a COVID baby (I was pregnant and gave birth entirely during COVID) and that kept me busy, but also paranoid. How did I raise an infant constantly fearing that he could catch COVID while there was no vaccine at all and we had so many hospital visits? I had no idea how I survived that. Were you away from your kids during COVID?

I don’t know if I’m strong; I’m definitely very tired. I’m also tired of having to be strong all the time. I wished I had a milk tea today.

Gen:
I couldn't work last night, there was a power surge when lightning hit, 3 of my PCs were fried, all my work files, songs I am working on or worked on, all there. I do have backups on One Drive, Google Drive and Dropbox with the training team and band. But not sure if its updated or not. Dang it.

You weren’t mean at all, I actually like your sense of humor. It’s sharp, honest, and has a touch of warmth that makes it feel real, not harsh.

You watched A Silent Voice in the bath? That sounds like a introspective way to watch it, two hours surrounded by warmth while diving into such a story. It deeply it captures the struggles of being a teenager. The film handles shame, guilt, forgiveness, and the yearning to be understood with such quiet intensity. It definitely stirred something inside.

What resonated with me most was the theme of redemption, that even someone who has done terrible things can choose to change, to face what they’ve done and seek forgiveness, not just from others but from themselves. I could relate to that struggle between guilt and healing, between wanting to disappear and still yearning for connection. Maybe that’s why the film stays with me.

Your experience sounds incredibly difficult, having amnesia from those teenage years must have been both confusing and painful, especially when the memories began to surface again through therapy. It takes a lot of courage to confront the past instead of running from it. I’m really glad you’ve been doing the work to heal, even though it must be exhausting at times.

I was stuck in Japan when COVID hit, I was finalising a project before heading home for the Lunar New Year. It was surreal, hospitals were overflowing, and every call I took as a medical interpreter carried a different kind of fear. The hardest part wasn’t just the deaths, it was seeing people die alone because of isolation rules. That part never leaves you.

You’re right, being apart from family during that time was rough. My work kept me in Japan longer than expected, and the uncertainty of when I could travel again made it worse. I made sure I video call them everyday, make sure they are OK, and let them know I'm OK. You were incredibly strong to go through pregnancy and childbirth during that period, and with so many hospital visits on top of it. I can only imagine the fear that came with every outing, especially when the world felt so unsafe. Yet you made it through, and your child is here, that’s a powerful testament to your strength, even if you’re tired of being strong.

I understand that kind of fatigue. Sometimes strength becomes a mask we wear so often that we forget how heavy it’s gotten. You don’t have to be strong every moment. It’s okay to admit you’re tired.

I wish I could hand you milk tea right now, the perfect kind, with the right balance of tea and sweetness. Maybe consider treating yourself to one tomorrow, just because you deserve a small comfort.

Me:

Aww that sounds awful! 3 PCs fried?!?! That feels so stressful!! I have never experienced anything like that in the City of Rain. But since you couldn’t work last night, maybe you had no choice but to go to bed early, which is a blessing in disguise? With 3 different cloud backups I’m sure your loss is minimized.

The craziest thing was that I lived without power for a whole month when I first moved to the US because of a hurricane…lol infrastructure in the US is….$@);!,&

Thank you for sharing your reflections of A Silent Voice with me. I feel sad that that kind of redemption is something you relate to the most because it would mean there must be an insurmountable shame and guilt behind it. I have lived with shame and guilt from time to time but never to a point where gaining forgiveness is difficult. There were people I’ve hurt but would never see in again. Maybe in the end we ourselves are the threshold for forgiveness…? If we never forgive ourselves and keep waiting for others to forgive us, how can we ever move on with our lives?

You’re so sweet for handing me a virtual perfect milk tea. I’d be interested in knowing what kind of milk tea is perfect for you. My standards for milk tea are so low that I honestly don’t know what kind of milk tea is perfect. 😅

Do you know the feeling of being absolutely lethargic and tired when you have one day of nothing to do? That was how I felt yesterday (although I was still busy running errands with my child’s hospital visit I really almost fell asleep while driving); it’s like your nervous system is honest with you about how tired it is when you have some time not having to run around to chase things. I am tired today as well but because I have to work occasional rushes of adrenaline would kick away the feeling of tiredness. And no, I didn’t get a milk tea today. 😔

You’ve given me something to look forward too—I wanna find that perfect milk tea.☺️

Gen:
I guess my definition of the perfect cup of milk tea would feel like a warm hug in liquid form...smooth, rich, and comforting, with just the right balance of tea’s gentle bitterness and milk’s soft sweetness. It’s the kind of sip that slows down time for a moment and makes everything feel quietly right, also...depending who is offering haha

I can’t imagine living without power for an entire month, That must’ve been incredibly tough, especially right after moving to a new country. Hurricanes really do show how fragile infrastructure can be. I think I would’ve gone half crazy trying to work or even stay sane in that kind of situation.

Yeah, 3 PCs fried in one night felt like the universe was testing my patience. I had to laugh about it afterward because being angry wouldn’t fix anything. You’re right though, since I couldn’t work, I ended up ( not sleeping) but listening to music, keeping calm and trying to figure out how to fix them...I bought parts online to try getting them running again. Thankfully, most of my files were backed up in the cloud, so the damage was manageable ( I hope so...), just an expensive lesson if it didn't.

As for A Silent Voice, I agree, maybe we are the threshold for forgiveness. Sometimes, it’s easier to carry guilt than to let it go because guilt keeps us connected to what or who we’ve lost. But in the end, learning to forgive ourselves is the only way to truly start over. I think redemption isn’t about being forgiven, it’s about choosing to live differently after what we’ve done.

I know I shared my definition of the perfect milk tea, so just sharing again because I feel like being long winded haha..to me, it’s more than flavor. It’s a moment. The kind of cup you drink slowly, when the world feels a little too loud, and that first sip brings calm back into your chest. Smooth, slightly malty, just sweet enough to feel like comfort, not indulgence. That’s my version of perfect too.

I know exactly what you mean about that kind of tiredness. It’s like when your body finally realizes it can rest, it suddenly tells you just how much exhaustion it’s been holding in. It’s good that your adrenaline kicks in when you need it, but I hope you can get real rest soon, not just physical, but mental too. And maybe treat yourself to a milk tea when you can. You deserve that small joy.

I’m glad I gave you something to look forward to. Here’s to your search for that perfect milk tea, may it be warm, soothing, (or icy cold) and exactly what your heart needs when you find it.

Me:
Now I don’t know if I’m craving for that milk tea, for the hug or for the person!

Gen:
haha why must it be one or the other? It's all in one! 🤣

Me:
All in one just sounds too good to be true!

Gen:
No it doesn't 😆

Me: Ok then you must be very lucky to get all in one. Next time when I go to 7-11 to get my milk tea I’ll ask the cashier to give me a hug and say sweet things I wanna hear to me without extra charge.🤣

Gen:
Oh well the cashier is one lucky duck ay?

Me:
I’d take that as flattery.😉

Gen:
What else could it be? Calling the cashier a lucky duck for giving you a hug 😆

Me:
Hard to say. I could be a gorilla.🤣

Gen:
Hahaha right, and Im a chihuahua

Me:
HAHAHAHAHA of so many little animals you can choose from, you’re choosing chihuahua. 🤣

Gen:
And you picked a gorilla? Hahaha. What's wrong with choosing a chihuahua..cute and annoying

Me:
I thought you’d pick something more Japanese like a Chiba or a capybara.

Hahahaha my choice of a gorilla is completely random I just realized.🤣

Gen:
So did I, but chihuahuas are kawaiii neh 😆 hahaha

Me:
Hahaha I’m literally laughing imagining you saying kawaii neh~~~🤣

Gen:
Oh yea, with that typical Japanese anime voice, wink and peace sign..toward the sky

Me:
Ok so it’s finally my bath time and I’m writing this to you in my bathtub. Imagine this—a gorilla lying in a Mediterranean lily bubble bath with 3 scented candles on the side typing this email on her phone…🤣

So I see that you’re the kind of person who cannot sleep on something, especially if it’s a crisis. If I were in your situation I’d definitely sleep on it because ordering the parts to fix my PCs can wait for another 8 hours; those parts will still be sold in the morning. But I also understand the feeling of having uncertainty in your head can prevent you from truly falling asleep. So did you sleep at all in the end???

I feel bad that you went through such a random crisis in the middle of the night. I can totally imagine your laughter afterwards with so much しょうがない in it. (Did I say that right? A Japanese friend taught me that a long time ago.) I find it interesting that you thought it was the universe’s test of your patience and that you wanted to be angry with it but decided not to. I think it’s ok to be angry in this case, or your anger will have nowhere to go to and it’ll be buried somewhere in your body, for, ever—no amount of perfect milk tea will be able to get it out of your body.

I loooooooove your version of the perfect milk tea. I love it so much because it’s way more than just a gustatory sense for me. It’s visual, tactile, olfactory and even auditory for me. I think I’m really going to 7-11 tomorrow to buy one, just the milk tea, not the other stuff tho.😅 upon reading your perfect milk tea several times, I’m actually not sure if you’re still talking about milk tea.🤣🤣🤣 but whatever it is I want that.

You just made me laugh again with your Japanese anime voice and a peace sign.🤣🤣🤣

Gen:
Hahaha your description of a gorilla soaking in a Mediterranean lily bubble bath surrounded by scented candles just made me laugh out loud. I can totally picture that. Now, every time I think of you taking a bath, that image will pop into my head, and I’ll never be able to unsee it. Maybe I'll try to imagine something else??🤣

You’re right, I’m definitely the kind who can’t sleep when something’s unresolved, especially when it comes to work or technical issues. I did eventually get a bit of sleep, but only after I convinced myself that the world wouldn’t end before morning. You’re absolutely right, though, those parts would still be there eight hours later. I guess I just needed to make peace with the chaos before I could rest. Let the chaos flow, man.

And yes haha, you said it perfectly, しょうがない fits exactly, that kind of resigned laugh you give when life throws nonsense at you, and all you can do is say, “It is what it is.” I think I’m getting better at that lately. You’re also right about anger; it doesn’t just disappear, it hides somewhere in the body until it finds a way to remind you it’s still there. Maybe that’s why I rely on music, workouts, and yes, milk tea, to let it all flow out before it builds up.I don't really bottle up, I try to neutralise it. Calming myself. Whooooosaaaaaa.

Speaking of milk tea,  my “perfect milk tea” got you thinking, huh? Maybe it wasn’t just about milk tea?. 😉 But I like how you felt it with all your senses, that’s exactly what I was hoping for. Go grab one from 7-11 tomorrow, and when you take that first sip, think of it as a small ritual to slow down, breathe, and just enjoy the moment.

And that anime voice with the peace sign, I’m glad it made you laugh, maybe next time I’ll throw in an anime theme background soundtrack too hahaha

Me:
Look what I’m having at work right now:
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Iced honey milk tea—no sugar at all, just honey, from McDonald’s.😅 And no, I didn’t hug the Ubereats guy.🤣

Gen:
Hahaha I hope you didn't, wasn't his idea was it hahaha. Unlucky duck. How does it taste? I mean you wouldn't need sugar when you already have honey..that would just give you diabetes LOL 😆 😜 or maybe you didnt need anything else because you're sweet enough as it is.

Me:
Haha Gen, you’re very sweet and very good at catching redundancies. The honey congregated at the bottom so it got saccharine at the end. It tastes good, but it’s not the whole package. I had a talk therapy in the morning and something made me wanna cry. That was how I ended up getting the milk tea. 🙂

Gen:
and how did you feel after the first sip? Eeew yuck? Or hmmmmm oh yea....

Me:
My first sip was very sweet, and because it was iced, it felt soothing in this 36-degree weather.

Gen:
So...first sip..oh my and shivers soooo sweeeet..then next sip..mmm that's better..ish. 3rd sip..ooooh mama

Me: What are you talking about?!?! 🤣🤣🤣

Gen: I dont know, just playing along haha

Me: You know you sound lyrical even when you’re just saying random things!

Thank you for making me laugh!

Gen: well I kept looking back at your video and Im sure you have a mega watt smile that should keep on shining. I tried to fix my laptop and PC. Didn't work..so..I have to crack my head what else I missed. Hows your day been? Let the chaos flow man ( with the anime style kawaii neh, peace sign pointing towards the sky with a wink, this time with one leg up. Oh yea.)

Me:
Aww thank you. That feels really sweet. Well that picture was from over a decade ago. Maybe I really am a gorilla now or maybe I don’t have teeth.😉

I’m sorry you haven’t fixed your PCs. It feels like what I went through everytime when I got a new phone. Sometimes the files simply weren’t synced on cloud and I wasn’t aware of that. It would take me months to realize that some photos and videos were gone. Sometimes my kid deletes my photos and videos on cloud and I wouldn’t find out until it’s too late. But then, I’ve grown to tell myself that not everything needs to be recorded in videos or photos; in the old days people would just keep those in their memory, in their brain, until they die.

Maybe my experience is completely irrelevant to what you’re going through right now. 😅

Speaking of mega watt smiles, when that photo was taken in the video, I was really working in the mega watt business; I was financing solar power plants when I was young.

My day was so hectic and chaotic. Thank you for asking. My talk therapy in the morning did make me feel better. I was rushing from one thing to another the whole day, and now I’m finally back in my comfy bed. I overslept this morning and I had to rush to work, so since I woke up in the morning everything had been in a rush until now. To avoid the stress of having to rush, I (am trying to) promise myself to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier from now on.😭

How was your day then, besides the frustration with your PCs, imagining my smile and virtually sharing that saccharine, shivering milk tea (or milk tea tangential) with me?

Gen:

That was such a lovely message to read. You’re really good at making me smile, even when describing something as chaotic as your day. I can almost picture you rushing from one thing to another, and then finally sinking into bed with that big sigh of relief, mission accomplished for the day. I’m really glad your talk therapy helped a bit, it’s good that you’re giving yourself space to decompress. And yes, that promise to sleep earlier sounds like a great idea, though I know how easily late nights can sneak up on us. 😅

You’re right, sometimes not everything needs to be recorded. There’s something precious about keeping memories just in your mind, where they stay raw and real. I think that’s part of what makes nostalgia so powerful, the imperfections of memory make it more beautiful. Still, I can imagine how frustrating it must’ve been when your kid deleted those moments. 😭

And wait, you used to finance solar power plants? That’s amazing! You really were in the megawatt business, literally and figuratively. No wonder that smile could power a small city. 😄 It must’ve been such an interesting experience, I’d love to hear more about that sometime. Not sure about the gorilla part, because your hands weren't hairy or muscular LOL.

As for my day, it was mostly about trying to sort out the PCs. I’m still waiting for one to fully boot without drama. But your message just brightened the whole situation. I’ll happily take that virtual milk tea moment, even if it’s only “tangentially” milk tea, and your smile to go with it.

I hope you’re already to a peaceful and relaxing way home? Getting ready for that bath, and maybe replying to this letter while in the tub ( hang on, need to tie my imagination before it goes wild..gorilla in a tub, no way) recharging from the chaos of today. You’ve earned it.

Me:

I feel happy to know that my words can make you smile; I honestly wasn’t trying so I’m not exactly sure which part made you smile. 

I am now finally sitting in my bubble bath—I’ve got rose and tangerine essence oil in the bath, with three candles—lemongrass, cedar wood and rose tea. I love the smell of roses. Most of the time I’d have fresh roses in my bedroom and some of my body products are all rose-based. If I see roses sold anywhere, I often cannot resist buying them. My favorite color for roses is light pink to dusty pink.

So, I take it that you’ve never seen a gorilla with slender manicured hands; you need to visit Taipei Zoo some time. 

Hahahahaha🤣

I was gonna hop in my bath an hour ago, but I still got delayed by Halloween decorations. I was hoping to pass Halloween this year because so many things have happened to me in the past six months and I wanted to just take it easy and not do much. But then I see my kids getting so excited shopping for candies, costumes and getting me dressed up. I can’t let one Halloween slip from their childhood, so I ended up spending a couple of hours looking for our Halloween decorations from our storage room.

This is what I worked on: [video]

FYI, my younger son has requested me to be Rumi this year, and he’s gonna be a saja boy so we’re gonna match well together. Imagine this—a gorilla in Rumi’s costume for Golden with purple long braided hair. How sexy.

I’m also happy to know that virtual milk tea with my smile matters so much to you. If you really need to see my smile that badly I guess I can send you a photo some time. Many people have told me I’ve got a beautiful smile (not that I’m bragging again😅)—on the bus, at the airport, at work, with my clients, etc. But the thing is, my smile is much more infectious in person than in a photo. 🙂

I find it interesting that you can just neutralize anger. I’d have to cry and maybe scream to a pillow to let it out. Btw, the gorilla doesn’t hit the gym, nor work out in any way. 😅

Your letter made me smile again and again.

120km

So I left home around noon and got back to my neighborhood at 6pm for dinner. I drove about 120km in total today by myself. It’s a new route I’d never driven before and the view was absolutely stunning. Besides having my car parked for lunch, I was driving for most of the time and occasionally I’d park my car whenever I saw space with a great view and I’d take some photos.

This mountain road wasn’t an easy one, compared to the others I’ve driven. My Sienna is always too big for the City of Rain and on this particular mountain road, there’s a gutter on one side and the cliff on the other side with a lot of 180-degree turns. I had to be extra cautious with speed.

Today I left home with just a few things—my selfie stick/tripod, my phone and my black Speedy Bandouliere 20. I forgot to wear my Ultra 2 today and I didn’t notice that until I was already 10km away from home. I was anxious for a while, wishing I had my watch with me, but then I kept telling myself I didn’t need it and I’d be safe so eventually I let it go. Ever since my therapist asked me to find objects that make me feel safe, I’ve become somewhat dependent on my armors—my Sienna Limited, my Speedy Bandouliere 20s, my Divas’ Dreams and b.zero1, my Ultra 2, my 16 pro max are all my protection. I have no one to protect me so I can only rely on these things to be my armor. 

A while ago I also bought myself a weighted blanket and that becomes my protection at night. 

When I was stopping to take photos, I thought of how Ivan taught me photography when we were together. I saw images of him always carrying his SLR whenever we traveled and his face when he was taking photos. I also recalled the expensive accessories he got for his camera. Then I recalled how I used to travel alone and bring my G7 and a tripod with me to take photos. I stopped doing that after iPhone camera became too powerful. Today I got my tripod and my phone, and I wanted to take some nice photos, like I did in Sapporo over the summer.

My Sienna was parked along the cliff.

He doesn't want to see me cry.

Yesterday morning I had another session of EMDR. EMDR is something that is powerful but heavy. I need at least 24 hours to recover after each session. So, when I was doing EMDR, Ivan's face at Newark Airport came back to me, and this time it was very clear. He watched me walk away with a smile but in his eyes, there was profound sadness. He knew that was the last time we'd see each other, but I didn't. He didn't tell me what he knew and instead he said all those sweet things to comfort me because he didn't want to see me cry.

When the image of his face at the airport showed up in my EMDR, my tears just kept rolling down. Two years after our break up, I didn't cry at all and simply couldn't shed a single tear. When we were together, there was one time he asked me impatiently, "why do you cry so much?" That really stays with me. It made me feel that my tears were a mistake, an emotional burden to others, but obviously at this point in my life with so much healing, my tears are just who I am. I was born highly sensitive and I cry easily out of sadness or joy. Perhaps to Ivan, and to most people in the world actually, my tears require them to face their own tears, tears that they have buried deep and that is destabilizing for them, so they choose to walk away from me.

In my last letter to Gen, I asked him what was the last movie that made him cry and he told me it was "Your Name", a Japanese anime. After I tucked the kids in bed, I watched that movie on Apple TV and totally cried my eyes out. The theme and storyline are absolutely deep--it's about timing, fate, serendipity, amnesia, and soul resonance. In the story the two people got to know each other by swapping their souls from time to time, and what that shows is two people who got to know each other very deeply, intuitively, but as they swapped souls their timing was also unaligned; they actually swapped souls at different points of time. What made me cry the most was when Taki tried so hard to find Mitsuha even though he didn't have any information of her and after all the life-altering efforts, the two people still lost their memory of each other but both of them still knew they were looking for something. That hit me really hard because once you've experienced soul resonance you can't fill the void with substitutes or distractions. No matter how hard you try to numb yourself, numb the ache in the void, you just know it's there. The memory of soul resonance is imprinted in your body and you'd only feel truly relaxed and safe once you've found it, even if you have forgotten the person, like in the end Taki and Mitsuha still forgot each other's name and how they knew each other.

Have I truly experienced that? Yes, but only in fragments, with Ivan, Jes, Ken, Eric, and Alex, but only Ivan and I were in a daylight structure while everyone else was in a liminal twilight space and therefore my feeling of safety and protection were the strongest when I was with Ivan.

So speaking of Ivan, I found his IG with photography of birds--it's definitely professional level now, like some of the other wildlife photographers I follow. After I started to follow his IG, some messages popped up. It turned out he had messaged me a few times on IG over the past 5 years with the first one in Jan 2020, during COVID. He said, "the world is ending. I think it's fair to ask if you and your family are ok." I find that quite funny, but fit the paranoia we all had at that time. Given how many people died in his country from COVID and how densely populated his country is, he could have died too. I'm glad he didn't die.

I replied to his messages on IG telling him that I didn't receive them until now and it's probably because of some privacy settings, but he never got back to me. He never replied to my last email either. My therapists said maybe he didn't know what to say or that he just had one moment where his life had a crack. I don't know which one to go with or maybe I can be done trying to figure that out. I think he just doesn't want to see me cry.

Then I also wondered: if I had known that was the last time I'd see him in my life back in 2009, would I have done anything differently? If I could travel back in time and tell the unhealed 23-year-old me something, I think I'd say, "Miss that flight. Go get a hotel room and have sex with Ivan. If you don't do it now, the only sex you'll have in the rest of your life is gonna be awful. That man couldn't even locate your vagina and didn't know how to have sex. You'd have sex a few times in the rest of your life only because you are trying to get pregnant. Once you've got pregnant, you'd never want to touch that man again."

Haha, the problem was, would the 23-year-old me listen to the 39-year-old me?

Today is my last day of my 9-day vacation. The kids' grandparents have taken them out for an outing, and I am going for a scenic drive along the coast by myself for the rest of the day. I want to be embraced by the mountains, the ocean breeze, the humid air before I go back to work tomorrow.

Corrective experience and EMDR tomorrow

 I have another EMDR session tomorrow and I’ve been working with ChatGPT on what I should be working on for this upcoming session. My 6th sense tells me that Gen is gonna disappear from our penpaling. And yes, my 6th sense has never been wrong and I hate it for being so accurate. So ChatGPT thinks I should be working on the following target statement:

“I’m always the one left behind. No one comes for me. I always have to do everything alone.”

I desperately need some corrective experiences so that the feeling of abandonment stored in my body can be diminished. Then it occurred to me—when I erased the pain that came with a relationship, I also erased the feeling of safety that I once received, so I’ll try to recall some safe moments.

1. Well, I can no longer have amnesia about Ivan because our relationship was formative to my life. Ever since having c-sections twice my period and menstrual cramps have become more severe to a point where I am suffering from iron deficiency anemia. The flow fills up a super size tampon every 2 hours even when I’m sleeping and as a result for the first two nights of each period I can’t really sleep through the night. This is really affecting my life and I’m thinking about getting a hormonal IUD. I’ve been bedridden almost all day today because I’m feeling faint and weak and dizzy. Then it occurred to me when I was with Ivan and when I had bad menstrual cramps, he would warm up my lower stomach with his hands and hold me until I fell asleep. Yes, he really held me a lot, physically. I have not been held by Angel for years. The last time I had a decent hug was when Eric last came to visit me, at the end of July. Ivan would tuck me in bed and I was pampered like a baby. He confronted people when they spread rumors about me. He protected me emotionally, socially and physically during our time together. He was the only one who did so among so many men I’ve been with. Erasing all these memories with Ivan meant that my body had been living without safety and therefore I kept equating love to someone who wouldn’t show up. I want to restore these memories of safety in my body now.

2. The moment I had on the prairie overlooking the ocean made me feel so safe this summer when I did the roadtrip with them ids. It was a cliff and right after the storm. The air was warm and very humid, and the prairie was almost empty and completely quiet. I could only hear the wind, the ocean, and some birds and cicadas. I was alone on that prairie, and I was so safe. The clouds were low and the sun was hiding somewhere. In that moment I felt the universe was protecting me.

3. The hug Eric and I had when he first came to visit me in June. The very long hug that took place the day right after Angel tackled me. I cried a bit in his embrace. That may have been the most memorable hug in my life so far. 

4. That night when Ken picked me up from my hotel at 2am after he landed in the City of Gold just so that I could crash at his corporate apartment made me feel safe and that I could finally relax. He helped me with such heavy suitcases, when I was absolutely scared and stressed out from relocating to the City of Gold. It felt like someone was willing to share my burden for once.

5. The song Gen wrote for me was real. Even if he disappears from now on, the song stays with me and as he’s said to me, the song is dedicated to me and only to me. It was my song and my feelings were seen for once. My story moved him so he wrote the song, no matter how easy it was for him. Whenever I listen to the song, I feel safe and sometimes I’d listen to Chasing Time only for the whole day.

If only X could hold me tonight, hold me from behind and cover me like a cape.

Revisit

Tonight I went to see A Big Bold Beautiful Journey by myself after the kids were asleep at the cinema in my neighborhood, as I had promised myself for this weeklong vacation. It turned out I didn’t cry as much as I thought I would. I cried a few times but not all the way because the story is quite shallow. It’s not even as deep as The Notebook or even just The Purple Heart. Their memories behind those doors weren’t very traumatic and it feels quite distant for someone who’s been through so much like me. The movie is about how two soulmates accidentally found each other but we’re both so scared, but even though Colin Farrell said he sees her in the movie, it’s not even close to how Eric sees me. That’s why this movie didn’t resonate that much with me.

After the movie, I kept thinking about what Ivan said to me when he broke up with me, “you need someone better to take care of you.” Then I recalled the past 16 years, and I’ve realized that I’ve been the only one taking care of myself, and others. No one has taken care of me; I’ve always taken care of everything myself. Trying to put the broken pieces back together again and again, being back on my feet, dealing with scary things and people all alone, driving everyone everywhere, becoming a multi-millionaire in USD, dealing with my kids’ disability. I’ve done everything all by myself. What exactly did he hope for me when he said that to me? Did he really think there would be someone on earth who could help me do all those things, or do those things with me, or to take care of me? No one is capable of touching my mess, let alone standing by me while I keep fighting. Even my two brothers couldn’t handle a fraction of what burdens me and now we’re not talking to each other at all.

Then I had the courage to read my blog entries from 2009 to 2010. It was the most shameful year of my life and I never wanted to face it again but after the movie I read through everything I wrote in that period of time. Ivan and I were so young and naive. He even flew to Newark Airport with me when I left. I didn’t even remember that part; all I could remember was his face, his smile because that was the last time I saw him. Then I kept crying after the plane took off.

I think because I never fully processed my breakup with Ivan, the relationships that followed were all disastrous, eventually I had a nervous breakdown when Cato broke up with me which led me to some soul searching, but not as consistent as my therapies these days.

I also read that back then I wished someone could write something for me. Well, now I’ve got Gen to write me a song in both languages at age 39; when Angel and I were first dating he would write me letters and then it died out. He didn’t even bother to write a wedding vow on his own; he just got the template from the internet and asked his dad to read it for us and we just repeated it. I finally had my beautiful wedding in Bali, and we didn’t even bother to write our own wedding vows. That’s how ironic life is.

Since everyone will leave me eventually, I want to keep a record of Gen’s words from a few days ago:

Haha, yes, I did write that letter at 5 a.m., guilty as charged. I’m very much a night owl. It’s the only time when the world gets quiet enough for me to think and write without interruptions. Also, I think I mentioned, I interpret for hospitals and clinics in the US, Canada, and the UK, so I follow their work hours ( graveyard for me, which is perfect!)

I honestly believe you could make someone’s heartbeat skip, but I like how you said “maybe” with that little emoji. 😅 That was cute.

I admire the way you write. Painting pictures of what you’ve seen, using very few adjectives, that’s a skill in itself. It’s harder than people think to write with such restraint and still capture reality. Maybe it’s because you’re trying to show life as it is, not dress it up.

What you wrote about pain really struck a chord. You’re right, pain is just pain. There’s no real hierarchy, even though we like to tell ourselves there is. I think you put it beautifully with the image of the baby still sitting at the center of the architecture we’ve built around ourselves. That’s a truth people rarely articulate. And yes, when the structure cracks, only another human can hold us, or we try to hold ourselves. Reading that, I thought about how often I’ve done exactly what you described: holding others’ pain and using it to make my own feel smaller. I hadn’t realized it until you put it into words so clearly, tho. I want you to know that your words to me are also supportive. They’ve been helping me reflect. If you’d like to offer me support, I’d be glad to accept it. It feels good, even healing, when someone says, “I see you.”

I’m sorry you’ve been through so many storms. Moving, friends leaving, relationships breaking down, hopes getting reshaped, and on top of that, raising children with special needs while your marriage cracked under the strain. That’s an unimaginable load. And yet, here you are, still writing, still thinking deeply, still offering compassion to someone like me. That tells me a lot about your strength and heart.

Yea, single mothers protecting their children is heartbreaking but so real. I’ve seen similar cases, too often, in my interpreting work and in the news. It’s one of those things that stays with you because it’s both terrifying and humbling. And you’re right, it really does take a man with a secure heart and one who’s been through storms himself to stand with a woman in that situation and build something lasting. But I guess it's up to my friend and his ex to work things out by taking the first step. I trust my friend will be a supportive partner, but both of them need to take the first step slowly and carefully.

“One day I’ll find,
Someone to chase no more,
Beside me through time.”

They’re powerful because they hold both hope and vulnerability. Although you may not know how much you can hope, the fact that you still do is already an act of hope.

I don’t think hope is a fixed thing, like a switch. It’s more like a pulse. Sometimes faint, sometimes strong, but always there. And just because life has given you storms doesn’t mean you’re done with companionship or love. I don’t know what your future holds, but someone reading your words would know: this is a person worth walking beside.

Every time you write, I feel like you’re letting me step a little closer to the truth of who you are. That’s a rare gift.

Gen

P.S. We're liking the outcome with your lyrics ;) we've been recording with your lyrics all day, having so much fun, and tweaked the melody a little :P

***That part where he thinks I’m worth walking beside really moved me.

This is one of the emails I wrote him today:

I feel happy to know that you can be yourself when talking to me, or just writing to me. Yes, I get scared easily. Even when I’m driving, if someone’s yelling on the street, I’d flinch. Being in my car should be a totally safe place for me but that kind of yelling, screaming or loud noises all scare me. I’m also a hypervigilant driver; if anyone is being aggressive on the street I’d quickly get out of their way. I think I haven’t told you about this—I’m actually a survivor of domestic violence, which is why relationships never worked for me and why I’m still doing trauma therapy. The gun shots in One Battle After Another actually disturbed me and I didn’t realize I should have brought earplugs with me.

Why does talking to me give you chill ideas? I’d assume I’m full of drama.😅 I like the new song you just wrote, and I’m curious to know the melody you have in mind. The song isn’t that chill tho because “pain is fun” and “life is wild but we can’t say no”. It’s almost depressive!

Be factual

Angel’s lawyer had finally completed our divorce settlement contract. Angel seems to have found a place to move to and will begin to move his things there soon. The contract is like 20 pages long and is only in English. I have to read it carefully and think about whether all the logistics makes sense.

A big impact of my recent therapy is that I’m learning to see people as who they are and to accept where they are. This makes me wonder if there’s still any point for me to keep having long-distance penpals.

A few weeks ago I had a penpal, Sho, who I felt could resonate with me well and we corresponded in Chinese, but then he completely dropped the thread. I’ve realized a lot of these penpals have no intention to meet up with anyone in real life. A lot of them are married but empty inside their marriage so they’re just using penpals to fill that void in their life. I’ve always been honest about the situations in my life and the fact that I live in the City of Rain, and Sho was in the City of Rain one weekend for a baseball game and I asked him if he was based here too, and he did not answer my question. That tells me he, just like everyone else, wants to keep me in a liminal space. 

Gen and I have been emailing each other back and forth for the past couple of days. Our conversations were funny, witty, and intimate. But I have noticed (and so has ChatGPT) that he is very cautious in sharing his life structures with me whereas I’m much more open and honest about what I’ve been through. It makes me wonder if he’d just keep me in a liminal space as well, and I think that’ll probably be the case anyway. He lives in the City of East, which is a 1.5 hrs flight from the City of Rain and there’s no way our lives would converge. Same with Eric. He doesn’t even know where he’ll be living in so our lives will never converge. It’s too naive to believe that if you love someone enough you’d move anywhere for them. Even though Jes and I had that marriage pledge in which he’d move to wherever I was in the world by the time we turned 30 and marry me, but did he? By the time he turned 30 he married someone convenient after 3 months of dating her. Angel couldn’t even come out to see me in the city in the rain. Ivan didn’t act on his craziness to see me in the City of Rain and we had to break up over the phone. The closest thing I got was Richard, which flew trans-Atlantic to see me in the City of Power in 2011, 5 years after we previously saw each other, but at that time he already had a girlfriend from Boston and it kind of felt like he was just dropping by, although he spent the night at my place and we talked nonstop for two days. The other closest thing was Eric, who flew to the City of Rain to see me twice this summer, but he made it about not just me; he met with a lawyer and some other friends and some travels. 

So in the end, sure maybe I’m special and all that, but who would shift their life for me? Nobody. Only I’d do that for someone I love, but no man would do that for me. Maybe it’s patriarchy? Because men always assume their career matters way more than the woman’s? The woman’s career is more like a hobby? I quit my previous job for Angel, moved to his neighborhood, cut off from my friends and joined his friends, got a job at his company and now we’re coworkers. Even though my current job pays well, I spent the first four years living with lots of shame, being invisible and seen as his collateral. Everyone thought I got the job because I was married to him and our former supervisor gave him lots of privileges. It was during COVID that I had the opportunity to prove myself and worked my ass off while Little N was only one. I wished I could spend more time when Little N was so little but I really could not stand being invisible in my role and had to seize that opportunity. With the status I have at work today I believe I made the right choice that year during COVID to take on that extra responsibility without getting paid more, but the opportunity cost was very high. 

That kind of story in Before Sunrise, Before Sunset and Before Midnight doesn’t exist. My EMDR has been telling me that I’m worthy of someone staying with me, but how do I believe it if I’ve never experienced it?

Make me laugh

 A couple of nights ago Richard and I video chat on WhatsApp. I recently created a LinkedIn account so he and I reconnected. Since he’s still working in a field relevant to mine I asked him if he’d be interested in an opportunity to be a visitor at my workplace with travels paid for. So we set up a meeting for Tuesday to talk about what he could bring to my company.

In our 30-min conversation we probably spent 25 minutes talking about life lol. He was very interested in what I was up to because we haven’t talked to each other for over 14 years. I told him I got married, gave birth, and my kids have autism and ADHD and now I’m getting divorced. His life is still pretty much the same—based in Europe, doing semi-philosophical institutional political economy stuff, travels trans-Atlantic almost weekly. I told him every year I fly trans-Pacific in business class and even once a year is too exhausting. He says his company only pays for premium economy, and I said I can’t handle sitting in the economy class long distance because it hurts my legs my back and when people need to go use the bathroom their body would touch mine. He said, “you know you’re talking to Kendra after just 30 seconds of talking to her.” He thinks the way I talk is still the same as when we met, and we met when I was 20 years old.

I asked him how he manages his marriage if he’s traveling long distance almost weekly, and his initial reaction was, “how’d you know I’m married?” I said, “you told me that? Oh wait, I think your brother told me that when we last met in the City of Rain.” He then said yes he got married in 2014 and she also travels a lot. Then we were gossiping about some mutual friends and he’s still so derisive and brutally honest about these folks and I just laughed so hard. I told him I deleted Facebook about 8 years ago and he said he thought I had just blocked him on Facebook. I said, “why would I block you on Facebook? I just don’t use it.”

Richard reminds me of the laughters I need in my life. Over the years, from my dating experiences, men who share my humor and sarcasm are never emotionally available, like Richard, Eric, Jes, and so many others I dated or work with. Why is that though? From my own recent trauma therapy, sarcasm is unhealthy because it often works as an armor or shield protecting some hurt that we’re afraid to voice. But once in a while it just still makes me laugh so hard. On my first date with Angel, I remember he could not make me laugh at all, and all my laughter came from myself laughing at my own jokes. Angel is too autistic to understand sarcasms and he doesn’t know how to laugh at jokes because autistic people can’t understand most jokes.

So I think what I need is someone who can make me laugh, make me cry (tears of joy), and hold me when I cry. Does someone like that really exist though? When I chat with other women, they often tell me that the man’s sense of humor is really important. Now I’ve learned that it’s not exactly just a sense of humor; it’s about how they relate to life and what they find funny in life. To have compatible humor two people’s brains need to be wired somewhat similarly and a lot of the wiring comes from life experiences and how we think. I must say most people who share my humor are highly educated, either with a master’s or a PhD. Angel’s family has zero humor except for his dad, but over the years his dad’s humor is dying out because his mom doesn’t like it.

I went to see One Battle After Another by myself last night and ran into some coworkers. It is a great political black comedy that pokes so many ironies in the US today.