How deeply can one believe?

I’ve been sick. Angel got on a plane to Tokyo to meet his parents and he’s going to vacation there for almost a week. As a 47-year-old man, he still has his parents pay for his trips, and yet he’s incredibly stingy with child support. I can’t sign our divorce settlement yet because every time when I negotiate for something, he takes something else down from it. All he’s thinking about is how to live off dividends after he’s retired and he’s planning to live somewhere overseas and still has money to travel all the time. But as a mother of two special needs children, I’ve never imagined my retirement that way. I don’t know how functional and independent they will be and having to spend the rest of my life living with them might be a possibility. Every back and forth with the divorce settlement is re-opening my trauma wounds repeatedly; they keep reminding me of how transactional he’s been with my labor—he basically married a poor competent woman to do the work for him and every gift he’s given me has never made me feel that I’m important, that I matter, or that he understands how tired I’ve been. He gives the same gift every try holiday and his budget for each gift is the same every year. I got so tired of it so eventually I told him to just give me cash. And then, because he owed me so much money—for a lot of major purchases I’ve paid everything upfront with my own savings so that he doesn’t need to sell his stocks and he pays me back very slowly with zero interest—those cash gifts just became additions to the money he owed me. Therefore, the financial arrangement in the divorce settlement is just a reminder of all the shit he’s done to me.

So I’m gonna be without any help these days—absolutely no helpers or aides or tutors for the kids. I asked Angel why he didn’t take the kids to Tokyo with him, since he keeps talking about “maximizing” his time with them, and he said he and his parents , 3 adults in total, cannot handle our kids’ traveling, whereas his parents often babysit his sister’s two kids all the time. That’s how difficult Little N and Little O are, but I can take them anywhere all by myself. 

This morning I had another talk therapy with my EMDR therapist. Since I’m sick, I can’t really do EMDR, but I’d like to dig deeper with words and feelings. Towards the end of the therapy, she told me repeatedly to be kind to myself, and if there’s any voice in my head that tells me, “who’d wanna be with me given my kids’ special needs and difficult behavior”, “I’m gonna be alone forever,” “I’m too old,” “men just wanna be with someone young and sexy” etc then I need to stop those voices and tell myself those voices are not mine. I need to believe there’s someone out there for me, but I’m not interested in online dating. I need to believe there’s someone who loves me enough and also loves my kids, because she’s also a stepmom now. I want to believe in these things so bad but there’s a part of me that still doubts it a lot, and yes, I’m aware that the doubtful part isn’t my real voice.

This afternoon Little N had a play date with someone from his school. Little N is 5 years old and this kid Simmy is 4, but I think they’re maybe just six months apart. However, Simmy’s verbal and social understanding is way more advanced than Little N and Little O. He’s so independent while Little N still needs to be told to use the toilet on his own. Simmy’s dad just dropped him off at our place and went back to work, so basically I experienced what it felt like to be a single mom to 3 boys, but Simmy barely behaves like a boy—he’s so thoughtful, independent, obedient, reserved, and socially aware. He told me he has a baby sister who’s zero years old—so there are three kids in his family and he’s the second one. Little N hates girls and only wants to play with boys, so Simmy asked Little N: would you still hate girls if you have a baby sister? A baby sister is so cute!

OMG having a little boy who can talk like this is basically a dream come true. No wonder his parents are fine having a third child. It also makes me wonder: if both Little N and Little O are like Simmy, would I still be awaken and want a divorce? Would  feel that I’ve got my happily ever after? A well developed child like this first, makes it easier to find sitters who can watch him while the parents go on dates, second, offers lots of emotional attunement to the parents so that the mom doesn’t feel emotionally starved, and third, saves a lot of money because you don’t always need an adult to supervise him and also he’s doesn’t need all those tutors and therapists.