Ending 2025
I ended 2025 by having a quiet intensive physical exam, and my period just started yesterday and I was bleeding a lot. I’ve been suffering from iron deficiency anemia since I gave birth to Little N because the c-sections had structurally changed my uterus and now I bleed too much every time when I menstruate. I thought I’d pass out after they drew almost 50ml of blood from me. I also had to run while they took my ECG and that was always the most challenging part. Basically each physical exam is just really tiring, plus I could barely sleep last night because I had to get up to change my tampons every two hours. The massive blood and anemia really make me want to reach menopause ASAP.
While I was waiting for my exams, I got an email from Angel’s dad:
Sorry
Dear Kendra, Angel told me yesterday morning that you have said I am not longer welcome at the apartment when you are there. If this is because I teased you Monday evening, I am sorry for it.
I replied:
Hi Angel’s dad,
I am not sure how Angel delivered the message to you because most of the time he has trouble processing what I tell him and relaying the ideas to others, but it is not simply about the teasing. It is about my 10 years of invisibility in the L family.
It’s no one’s problem really; it’s merely a matter of capacity. No one in the L family knows what it feels like to live with abandonment, abuse, survival upon birth; no one in the L family knows what it’s like to be financially independent (with zero dollars in the bank account) since 18 (except for you) and to work as a blue-collar worker.
However, the major difference between your path and mine is that you’re a male WASP born and raised in the US, whereas I was born illegitimately, Asian non-English speaking and female, outside of the US and tried to make my American dream work with my bare hands and failed. To the L family, I am low-class, because when I argue I get loud; when I am aggressed on the streets, I curse. That’s what you do on the streets, when you’re trying to survive as a blue-collar worker, and that’s how I had lived before working for my current job since 18.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a new family of my own, and I projected too much hope into the L family because you called me your daughter, because you told me you loved me. Finally, after so much time and money on so many sessions of therapy, reading and writing, I’ve learned my hard lesson that the way I define “family” and “love” is at a totally different depth. For example, it’s obvious that if your daughter or granddaughter were placed in my circumstances upon birth, you would have a totally different reaction to whatever was happening to them from your reaction to my circumstances. I believe you wouldn’t simply say, “Daughter, I’m sorry your life is so difficult.” Over the past ten years, I have exhausted myself by explaining myself constantly to Angel and the Ls, with both my words and actions, only to learn that no one has the capacity to see me and hold me, and that capacity’s limit can rarely be changed in one person.
By writing this long email, I am still engaging in the labor of over-explaining myself, and maybe that’s because I still have a slight hope to be understood just a bit more. I don’t know why I still do this because no one has asked me any question to try to understand me more. Maybe it’s a process before I can finally just interact politely, superficially, emotionlessly by simply saying, “how are you,” “did you have a nice meal/walk/sleep/massage”.
As for our home, it should be a place where I feel safe with my kids. Even my father is not legally allowed to come near to my home, and I only have two people in my family now—Nolan and Owen. Whoever comes into our home should be someone who understands and protects us, not someone who triggers me. Honestly if it weren’t for logistical reasons I would not want my own mother in my house either.
So, you are free to go into the house to hang out with the kids when I’m not there. If you need more time you can take the kids out. When can we both be present in the house? I guess when I finally achieve being emotionless when I see the Ls, however more inner work I’ll need to make this happen.
Oh one more thing I need to clarify is that Angel said my emotions come before others because I have so much trauma, and that’s absolutely not true. I believe that in any connection, two people are free to express whatever emotions they have and they also have the freedom to walk away if they don’t like the emotional reciprocity anymore. There shouldn’t be any hierarchy in people’s emotions. If we vibe, we freely choose to stay and if we don’t vibe, we freely choose to leave.
I am not sure how Angel delivered the message to you because most of the time he has trouble processing what I tell him and relaying the ideas to others, but it is not simply about the teasing. It is about my 10 years of invisibility in the L family.
It’s no one’s problem really; it’s merely a matter of capacity. No one in the L family knows what it feels like to live with abandonment, abuse, survival upon birth; no one in the L family knows what it’s like to be financially independent (with zero dollars in the bank account) since 18 (except for you) and to work as a blue-collar worker.
However, the major difference between your path and mine is that you’re a male WASP born and raised in the US, whereas I was born illegitimately, Asian non-English speaking and female, outside of the US and tried to make my American dream work with my bare hands and failed. To the L family, I am low-class, because when I argue I get loud; when I am aggressed on the streets, I curse. That’s what you do on the streets, when you’re trying to survive as a blue-collar worker, and that’s how I had lived before working for my current job since 18.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a new family of my own, and I projected too much hope into the L family because you called me your daughter, because you told me you loved me. Finally, after so much time and money on so many sessions of therapy, reading and writing, I’ve learned my hard lesson that the way I define “family” and “love” is at a totally different depth. For example, it’s obvious that if your daughter or granddaughter were placed in my circumstances upon birth, you would have a totally different reaction to whatever was happening to them from your reaction to my circumstances. I believe you wouldn’t simply say, “Daughter, I’m sorry your life is so difficult.” Over the past ten years, I have exhausted myself by explaining myself constantly to Angel and the Ls, with both my words and actions, only to learn that no one has the capacity to see me and hold me, and that capacity’s limit can rarely be changed in one person.
By writing this long email, I am still engaging in the labor of over-explaining myself, and maybe that’s because I still have a slight hope to be understood just a bit more. I don’t know why I still do this because no one has asked me any question to try to understand me more. Maybe it’s a process before I can finally just interact politely, superficially, emotionlessly by simply saying, “how are you,” “did you have a nice meal/walk/sleep/massage”.
As for our home, it should be a place where I feel safe with my kids. Even my father is not legally allowed to come near to my home, and I only have two people in my family now—Nolan and Owen. Whoever comes into our home should be someone who understands and protects us, not someone who triggers me. Honestly if it weren’t for logistical reasons I would not want my own mother in my house either.
So, you are free to go into the house to hang out with the kids when I’m not there. If you need more time you can take the kids out. When can we both be present in the house? I guess when I finally achieve being emotionless when I see the Ls, however more inner work I’ll need to make this happen.
Oh one more thing I need to clarify is that Angel said my emotions come before others because I have so much trauma, and that’s absolutely not true. I believe that in any connection, two people are free to express whatever emotions they have and they also have the freedom to walk away if they don’t like the emotional reciprocity anymore. There shouldn’t be any hierarchy in people’s emotions. If we vibe, we freely choose to stay and if we don’t vibe, we freely choose to leave.
***
I sent that email while I was having lunch at the hospital, with a view of the mountains in the rain. I felt moved and cried when I saw the mountains in the rain, because that’s actually my favorite image. I love the rain, and the clouds surrounding the mountains are the best view. I tried to take a nap after I finished my lunch and was waiting for the doctors to explain my numbers. Somehow, and I really don’t know why, I called out Ivan’s name while looking out the window. I kept trying to figure out why I did that. Maybe that dream of me stayed with me, because it was a very soothing feeling, and that smile made me feel very safe. Maybe it’s because he was the one who got me hooked to How I Met Your Mother, which has hugely impacted my view of love, and to this day I still think back to some of the stories in HIMYM.
Every year I wish there could be a surprise on NYE, but there has never been one. Maybe the fact that Ivan broke up with me a few days before the NYE of 2010 traumatized me too much and left an imprint in my body that only a surprise/miracle could reverse that pain. No. It’s never happened, and no matter how much I wish for one, the most the universe would give me is some fireworks in my neighborhood in the mountains. I wake up in the morning and everything is just the same as every other day—the same feeling of hyper independence, hyper vigilance, aloneness, and not being understood.
After my physical I met up with Tony to catch up. He works at that hospital so every time when my kids or myself go there I’d give him a holler. We’ve known each other since 15 and he’s just turned 40. Never married and never had kids. It’s an ineffable feeling to see how our lives have evolved for 25 years.
Happy New Year Kendra. I hope the divorce settlement can be signed soon. I hope to be free again. I hope to be able to find my chosen family and find love again in 2026.
written by Kendra Johanson at 3:24 PM
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