Avatar

Angel took the kids out for a mini vacation so I finally had time to see a late night movie with a nonstop massage chair. I finally got to see the new Avatar movie—it was so awesome, so worth it. The story line is still very complex and deep, touching on issues about race, differences, family and love, nature vs nurture, depression, shame, trauma etc. It’s got too many things I need to think about and I’ll probably watch the first Avatar again. It’s a real good movie that I haven’t seen for a while.

Then after I got back home after midnight, I saw an email from Angel’s dad. Here goes it:

Dear Kendra, thank you for responding to my email.  I am grateful for your explaining how you see yourself and your concerns, and I appreciate the thought and care that went into your saying it.  I would not presume to doubt any of what you say about your own feelings or the sincerity of your perspectives on things.   I am sorry to learn that I am a "trigger" for you.  To my way of thinking, you have deep strengths and talents, and you have been given many gifts.  If you want to, you can use them to make yourself the person you would like to be.  But it will not be fruitful to consume your energies constructing fantasy grievances about debts you think that others owe you and have not delivered on.  About myself, my own experiences, and how I regard my family, including yourself -- your note is full of assumptions and projections, but you have no understanding.   Perhaps someday things will be different.  I don't expect that it would be helpful to address these things further in the circumstances where we find ourselves now.   C

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The “fantasy grievances” and his overall tone triggered me again so I replied:

Wow. You apologized for being a trigger to me and then you called my real pain “fantasy grievances” and relational responsibility “debts I imagined”. You are dismissing my reality and telling me I should transcend my suffering alone with my gifts. This is actually very classic American isolationism and exceptionalism, which explains why no single country in this world likes USA. Only fear, no real love.

I feel sad this is how you relate to others, for decades. It also makes me see that you probably don’t understand Owen as much as his therapist, which makes me feel sad for Angel too. To this day, at age almost 50, Angel is still afraid of you. You’re right; let’s stay silent after this. Any defense or moralization or intellectualization you have will probably, no, definitely, trigger me more.

***

Then I added one more thing in a second email:

And you’re right that I have no understanding of your own experiences and your views, because you’d only talk about random facts about your birth family in the ten years I’ve known you and only events that barely had emotions. Over the years I’ve learned to see you and your wife blended as one because when she takes over you’d become silent, so to me, her view is your view. I should have separated the Ls and the Ss. I have wondered over the years if your upbringing could be somewhat related to my experiences, but then, you have chosen not to share those things with me.

If you’re a trauma survivor like myself, then I’m sorry that you haven’t got help and that you had to grow old in that kind of system.

***

Now it’s past 3am and this em exchange has overstimulated me so I’m not sleeping yet. Totally not worth it. But why can’t I just be like others and just drop the thread like that? Why am I destined be a teacher explaining things nonstop?