No need

Yesterday Angel’s parents wanted to pick up Little N from his school and I offered them a ride. While I was almost at his school, a food delivery scooter surpassed me very fast in a very narrow space and I had to brake before I’d hit him. Then I said to myself “if he wants to die he can die by himself.” I absolutely hate it when people are driving aggressively on the streets because it simply means they’re not afraid of dying and yet if they do get killed even if it’s their wrongdoing, whoever kills the still has to compensate. 

Then Angel’s mom and his dad exchanged a look. I knew they were judging me. After my IEP meeting with Little N’s teachers, I got home and said to Angel: what trigger me most are men who represent criminality, violence, impose authority over me, and provoke me on the streets. Then his dad said to me, “Kendra I’m sorry your life is so difficult.” I asked him, “are you being sarcastic?” He said yes. Then I asked to talk to Angel privately. 

He fucking triggered me because he, an elite privileged WASP is telling me sarcastically that my life is difficult. I asked Angel, “has anyone in the L family kneeled down in front of the whole family at age 5, slapped on their face twice, face swollen immediately but they couldn’t drop a tear because they wanted to spare their mother’s guilt and sadness?” “Was anyone in the L family born abandoned and near death?” “And he’s asking me sarcastically that my life is so difficult?” 

No one in the L family understands how difficult my life is; even if they know the stories, they cannot imagine or fathom my pain because all of them were born so privileged and sheltered. They were never left in a situation where they had to survive without any safety net. I tried for ten years for them to understand me because I hoped to find a new family of my own so badly and failed. They have always looked down on me for my circumstances and have never admired me for what I have had to endure and survive. My therapists have finally helped me see through their condescension—they told me people should be impressed by my resilience and strengths, but it turns out all these elites look down on me. I don’t want them to be near me anymore.

I talked to Angel for almost two hours last night trying to help him verbalize where I was coming from because he wants all of us to get along so that they can continue to see the kids, but deep down I’ve given up because that’s just who they are. I told him from now on I only want people who understand and protect me under my roof. Anyone who doesn’t understand or appreciate me should leave me alone. I also told him that I am building my own community of people so that I am surrounded by people who understand me and can support me.

Angel tried to talk about all the things we went through last night with his parents. His parents only say, “we’re sorry that Kendra has such a tough life,” without sarcasm this time. It was 100% predictable to me but a part of me was longing all day long that maybe they could say something that would surprise me, such as “ooh poor Kendra, what she went through was inhumane and she deserves to have a new family that embraces her”. Nada, of course nothing like that. They said, “but the abuse that happened to her was such a long time ago,” and then Angel tried to explain how trauma works, and I just felt absolutely numb and hopeless about all of the L family when Angel relayed the conversation to me.

I felt so hurt and unprotected last night before I went to bed, and I had an interesting dream. I saw Ivan in a pretty big house, surrounded by lots of greenery and landscapes. I don’t remember talking to him but it was rather quiet. He was smiling at me and I noticed that there were a few snacks in his house that were imported from the City of Rain.

I’ve been thinking about which part of me longs for Ivan’s presence. It was a part of me that once felt safe when being with him, because he was the only competent man I had been with. When my life was hard, he gave me surprises and kept trying to cheer me up. Most other men I had dated were much less competent than me, especially Angel. I married him because I knew if I kept being useful to him, he’d never leave me. 

It’s already the last day of the year. I am going to end 2025 with a physical exam while having my period. There’s really no need to try so hard anymore to explain myself and make myself understood. Whoever vibes with me can know me very easily.