To be heard

Today is the last day of work for the semester and I only had half a day. I was quietly working in the office most of the time. Occasionally students would drop by to let me know their good news for college admissions and drop me some gifts. Some alumni came back to visit me as well, including two twin brothers who I taught when I first started my job here. It's a season of lots of bliss, warmth, and blessings, and I'm starting to see light in all these connections I've built with my students and coworkers over the years.

Yesterday at work it was a lot of parties. Since I'm working cross-department so I got to go to both departments' parties and then there was another lunch gathering for all employees. There was a lot of laughter, chitchat, and I was never alone. The interesting thing was that Jinu and I spent a lot of time together at work yesterday. During our breakfast potluck and gift exchange, he was sitting next to me and talking to me and then when I went the the other department for my second gift exchange, he tagged along and then we chatted some more one-on-one. After our all-employee lunch we came back to the office and he chat with me more. What do we talk about? Everything--from his parents, his school experience, my life, history, work, history, economics, systematic inequality, literally everything. Our conversation just flows very easily, but then I'd recall Eric, because when we reconnected, we were also able to talk nonstop like this on the phone, and now we're not even talking. Who knows when Jinu and I will stop talking one day?

He's flying back home tomorrow and a part of me wishes that he would tell me he's gonna miss me so much and that he'd want to hang out with me one more time, but another part of me thinks that he's not going to do that, maybe ever. When we farewelled at work today, he said nothing like that, and I only professionally told him "have a nice break".

But the real interesting conversation I want to write down today is the one I had with our CFO. I first met our CFO because he offered to be a guest speaker in my class in spring. Since then, we occasionally chat with each other and just seem to vibe well, but our previous conversations were all professional in social settings, like happy hours and parties. Yesterday a student gave me a really nice bottle of champagne because he got into an elite school, but I don't drink so I have been thinking about giving it to someone, then our CFO came to my mind. Therefore, this morning I dropped by his office to give him the bottle. At first our conversation was just like casual coworker chat--about our winter break plan, how the semester had been, etc. I talked about the conference I went to in the City of Richard and the kind of inclusion they have at international schools there. Then I briefly mentioned that both my kids have special needs and are autistic so what I learned at the conference was quite inspiring for me.

Then I talked about the educational arrangement I'm currently making for Little N and Little O. I told him that I hope to get Little N into our school next year and Little O is currently very happy with this homeschooling plan, so the CFO asked me who is at home homeschooling Little O, and I said no one. I said he goes to school every day for only two subjects and for the other subjects I've hired therapists and tutors to teach him, and after work I'd also teach him math and English every day. Then he was impressed by how much work I do because I'm also working part-time and how much I have on my plate. So I laughed and said, "well I haven't told many people this but I'm in the process of getting divorced." Then he was so shocked and said he'd be worried about me--a single mother working full-time and taking care of two special needs children? I said, "oh no, I'm not the kind of single mother who has to earn money and take care of kids entirely alone. I've built good connections with their therapists and teachers and their father will be a coparent. Also they're dad's family also loves them very much so financially we can handle it." He kept telling me that if I needed anything or if there's anything our school can do I should let him know.

He also thought that I was going through too much with all that trauma, and I told him I don't think their diagnosis was traumatic for me because my kids look at the world in a very naive way and I'm happy that they don't have to see the world the way I had to see it. I told him what I'm going through right now is nothing compared to what I went through in my upbringing. I told him that intellectual giftedness is something that runs on my dad's side but also mental illness. Then he immediately agreed and told me that one of his sons is also like that--so focused and gifted in one area but struggles with socializing etc. I'm a bit surprised but not so surprised that he also has a special needs son--maybe that's why we vibe. But he's from an older generation (he's in his 60s) so he's not very open about it until now. Then I told him that my dad was the first person who issued corporate bonds in my country and made so much money, but he couldn't handle the stress and socialization so we grew up with domestic violence and because of his mental illness he lost all the money he had made.

Then the CFO said, "my admiration for you just increased tenfold". 

It was a very heart-warming conversation and at the end he asked me if he could give me a hug, assuming it didn't violate HR policy etc and I laughed and gave him a hug. He also said, "we've gotta find you a new husband now" and I laughed and said, "I don't think that's the solution!"

This moment matters a lot to me because it was my first time in my life to let someone who has authority over me to see my truth, my upbringing. I've always lived with so much shame and secrecy and I don't want to see my circumstances as something shameful anymore, but I never got to choose my circumstances. I never got to choose my parents, the violence around me, my kids' diagnosis, and my marriage to Angel was a result of trauma. At age almost 40, I want to be proud of how much I've overcome--my therapist told, "don't you think all your experiences only tell people how capable and resilient you are?" At that time, I told her "no, because people from the elitist world would only judge me and look down on the fact that my family had no money or power." But now I'm getting old and tired, and I am way more capable than those who could rise high because they started high. The distance I've traveled is way longer than what they have given the same amount of time. My story deserves to be heard and maybe one day, I will write a memoir.

Yesterday Jinu told me that his mom regretted saying yes to his dad when he proposed; she wished she had lived in China for a year and then asked his dad to propose if he still felt the same way about her, but she gave up all her plans and married him. Then I told him, "oh that's like me. I wanted to say no but I said yes instead." Jinu was shocked and said, "Kendra, you betrayed yourself! You wanted to say no? That's actually personal." I smiled and said, "but I don't see it as a regret because in hindsight, it was what I needed given my circumstances at that time. Let's call it destiny."