There is a light in your eyes.

Sunday. I always feel scared on Sundays. I get scared of unknown turmoils in the coming week, or on Mondays. I'm scared of my boss. This week I'm also scared to find out about the result of my big interview. I feel confident that I did well but uncertainty still scares me.

In the afternoon I was hanging out at one of the piers and getting in the warm sunshine. Lots of couples were walking on the streets in funny costumes. As I listened to Payphone by Maroon 5 I thought of Ivan, and then tears just rolled down my face in public. It's been three years since someone actually loved me. Why did fate have to end us?

I miss the time when Ivan went through all the worst difficulties with me. He took me to visit his friends and then the City of Magic. We fought but I never felt scared.

Eric said I need to find someone who can do the relationship dance and is very patient and there are very few of them in this 21st century culture. He thinks I have idealized virginity and emotional connection.

When Ivan and I were dating, we tried to understand what love is. He came up with Robert Heinlein's quote: "Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." I didn't quite understand it back then, but I understand it now. He tried so hard to make me happy because it was essential to his happiness. And I was too childish to cherish that.

It's been three years and it still hurts.