Another Year

As people are dressed up for Halloween tonight, I realize I have been single for another year. This time of last year, Cato was holding my hand and kissing me on the streets in public. I had adrenaline rushes nonstop.

Last night Ken and I fell asleep on the same couch after watching a DVD of Love's wedding. He was quite drunk last night but I was sober. Eventually I had to cab home at 2 a.m. alone. Although he called today and apologized, he didn't plan things for us today. Then I felt disappointed.

I tried to take care of myself, did grocery, housework, and got flowers for my apartment. In the evening I took a walk along the ocean while listening to one love song. This city is so beautiful and I suffered so much to be living in this city. I stopped and sat down at a quiet spot and watched the ocean at night. Then I cried. The spot was in fact very close to Ken's apartment. I cried for more than an hour alone. I was thinking about Cato, about Ivan, about Matt, about Ken, and about Eric. Eric is a guy I met recently and we connected very quickly but he has a girlfriend for five years. Ivan is happily married now for 5 months and perhaps he's going to be a dad soon. I kept wondering why I am always alone. I have been single for another year, again. I haven't been kissed for another year. Nobody has held my hand for another year. No one has held me tight for another year. I know I can always go to a bar and get drunk and get those things from a random guy but I want something that lasts forever. Does that mean I have to continue to be a patient nun for some more time before that happens to me?

I cried also because everyone on the street was walking in couples but I have no friends, no lovers in this new city. I do feel very lonely. I was also wondering why my life is more difficult than others', why I was born in such a screwed up family, and why I manage to excel in everything throughout my life. Will someone catch me if I let myself go?

I had the biggest interview in my life last Wednesday. I had five back-to-back interviews with different department heads and in the end a financial modeling test. I spent so much time preparing for the interview and after the four-hour marathon I felt very touched by my own power. I think I did really well and nailed the financial modeling test. The result shall be revealed next week.