I can't believe it's been 3 weeks since I last wrote. I've been back to the City of Power and working my ass off. Lots things happened too.

1) I got back in touch with Jes. It was a lot of work on my side to track him down again. We talked on the phone for hours and he just started a new relationship. In fact it was him who called me for most of the time and I don't think we're going to lose contact of each other again. It's quite incredible to be able to communicate and be best friends with someone whom you've never met in person.
2) JJ and I become good friends again. Over the past week he called me at least twice and last night we talked on the phone for over an hour. It feels good not to have feelings and be just friends with someone you hooked up with, just like me and Ian.
3) I don't want to talk to Tanner anymore. A couple of days ago we were having lunch together and somehow he just got frustrated by the way I communicate. He thought I was always arguing for the sake of arguing whereas I was only pointing out his opinionatedness. I think he felt insecure about those things I said because what he said was actually against the Bible and I'm in fact an atheist. I find that I'm receiving too much negativity from him and it's going to affect my emotions too. For example that day after lunch I could barely work and fell asleep again.
4) Cato and I still run into each other quite frequently. Unfortunately we will need to see each other at least twice per week because of the conferences. Tonight after one conference I got back home and cried, but not particularly forcefully. I shed some tears and felt really really depressed. I actually want to be able to cry out loud, like a little kid, screaming and kicking and throwing toys but I just don't have the ability to do it. I can't let my tears out even though I felt lots of them in my chest, and my throat.

Therefore I went to take a really hot bath that made my whole body red and sweat. I feel tired and sleepy now. Cato still looks good, although I really don't know why I think that because objectively he's probably a 5. His arguments at the conferences were still sharp and eloquent. His OCD is still there; he was brushing and pulling his hair with his hands nonstop throughout the conferences. I still see those shy defense body gestures when he talks to other people, even though he was laughing out loud. Nevertheless I mean no shit to him. He doesn't give a shit whether I was there or not. He did not even glance at me a bit. For him I was just a number, someone he almost nailed but got impatient. For him it didn't matter whether I was hurt because according to him "Relationships don't work out. It's life."

Last weekend I went to the movies by myself. I asked a couple of friends but they weren't available and I decided to go solo, like in high school. I saw The Descendants and truly enjoyed it, also the solitude too. Sitting alone in the middle of the row, laughing and crying without worrying being seen by other people, crunching up a whole bag of popcorn not having to ask the other person whether they wanted some, it is just very relaxing overall, way more relaxing than going with friends. I can wander around the cute neighborhood and watch the sunset on the river, not having to worry about what other people prefer. I LOVE it this way. In fact I plan to do this every weekend and invite no one. Oh forgot to mention another thing--I didn't even need to compromise with others on which movie to watch.

I just want to do well at work. Yes, as I approach the annual hurtful V-day and my 26th birthday I panic a little bit about starting a family. But maybe I just can't get over myself emotionally. Maybe I will adopt a child or find a surrogate sperm. Or eventually I will lose my virginity to some guy with really good genes and get pregnant without romance.