What is a grown heart?

Since my last counseling session I've decided not to go to those anymore. I've had 4 therapists so far and none of them is able to push me forward. I just found my new savior--she's a relationship counselor in Los Angeles and I've already felt a huge difference after watching her DVD programs.

Because of these psychological exercises in her programs, I began to sink into my emotions and feelings again rather than suppress them. But these feelings also trigger my re-evaluation of what I want in a relationship. I think I still haven't changed, since elementary school. People always say we should grow up and be mature in relationships and I really don't know what that looks like. I'm always looking for love, a long-term commitment, smiling to him in a white veil saying "yes I do", and eventually dying simultaneously together 80 years later. However, before I was 25 I actually more focused on the part before the wedding; I had always thought I was too young and my life was too uncertain to settle down with anyone.

After being single for two years, I decided to open up to Cato because I trusted him so much. I actually believed he was different but I was just being stupid and blind again. My heart never grew mature. A couple of weeks ago I finally asked Cato out. It was the first time we talked to each other this year. I told him that I could not be his friend because I still had feelings for him; I also told him honestly how happy I was when he kissed me on the street and walked me home and how jealous and angry I was when other girls were poking him at the bar. The conversation actually turned out quite fun and I could still feel the chemistry a lot. After that he spoke to me twice. For example this afternoon he was standing right next to me in the cafeteria and he initiated a conversation related to work. I was a little confused about how to react because if I responded to him the way I used to I would feel so happy and then I'd feel sad again because all the chemistry I thought was there wasn't really there for him. So yeah, my response was a little awkward and then I still felt sad for the rest of the day.

Every day I wish we were still together. Every night when I come home I wish he was standing in front of my door waiting for me. Yes, it's an unhealthy obsession, something I've been doing since kindergarten. When I was little I used to imagine some boy band member or celebrity doing these romantic things to me like what they did in the movies; when I get older I still imagine these things with real people in my life. I did that to Jes for a couple of years, and then Richard for another two years, and then Ivan for a couple of months, and then Ian, and then JJ for a little while, like a week, and then Richard again until he actually visited me again after 5 years in the City of Power. After his visit I had that obsession for some time and then I went numb and became both physically and mentally celibate and got really fat. Then over the summer there was Ken and during last fall there was Cato. I have not fucking grown up at all have I?

Ken chat with me a few times over the past couple of weeks on his personal dating issue. He's really into a cute girl who comes an extremely wealthy family, has a master's degree from a big name school, very sportive, confident, and career-oriented, oh and, younger than me. He's been distracted by his obsession for this girl at work and felt he was doing too much work to get her. I just gave him my full support; I told him if you feel this girl is the one you have to go for it, no matter how much it takes, as long as she never gives you a "no" because it is a universal law that the guy must chase the girl. I felt happy that I was able to support him genuinely but on the other hand I felt jealous too. There has been no one guy in my entire life who'd do that for me. Ken thought there must be tons of guys after me but it's the complete opposite. My phone is constantly quiet and I'm usually alone every weekend. The only time when someone pursued me like that was Richard. I even humiliated him in the face that it would disgust me to hook up with him but he never stopped trying, although after I made myself vulnerable to him he dumped me. Just like Cato.

One of the reasons why I was OK with the fact that Cato was 3.5 years younger than me was because that women tend to live 3.5 years longer than men so we could die together at the same time.