Settled.

After so much drama, I have finally settled down in a comparatively large studio in the center of the City of Power. Except for the unreasonably high rent here, I have no complaints.

I moved in on Saturday. I did so much labor work during the past two days. I got a lot of stuff from IKEA, which required delivery and assembly. My right hand got swollen from all the drills I did (as I did not have an electric drill). I had to transport so many heavy things on foot while I was suffering from menstrual cramps. On Sunday I went out of town for grocery shopping. I put 70lb of food in a large duffel bag, and not long after I left the supermarket, one of the wheels was melted into one piece because the road surface was too hot and things were too heavy. I dragged the whole thing all the way to the metro station, took the metro, got off the metro, and then walked home with the monstrous bag. On my way home, I even bumped into two colleagues who saw me sweat like a pig. One interesting thing to note is that many people were staring at me when I was on my way home, but none offered to help. This made me recall that when I was living in the City of Extremity, some guy offered to carry a heavy box of canned coke in the parking lot to my car. Is it really the so-called "big city life"?

While I was assembling my furniture in pain, some images of Ivan came across my mind. It is so strange that I barely think of him even though it was the longest relationship I have ever had. The images were of him assembling the furniture for me, carrying the heavy things for me, and always being next to me. I'm starting to believe that even such a nice guy like Ivan who cares about everybody so much turns into a jerk after being with me, which means I was the cause of all this; I turn every man into a jerk.

I have been single for 8 months now, and still am not ready for a new relationship. I have encountered so many good-looking, nice, gentle men since I came here, but each time when there a tiny crush that arises, I tell myself that I am not good enough for them; they will not love me. On Saturday Vin drove me to IKEA. I have to say his car is hotter than he is...LOL. But anyway, he's a responsible, mature, successful, and a nice guy, yet he's not single. In fact, most guys I like now are not single. It actually makes me wonder, is being a 24-year-old woman shameful? Do men like only women under 22? Somehow I feel I was more popular when I was slightly younger.

JJ let me crash at his apartment on Thursday and Friday, and on Saturday morning, he helped me move, in spite of the hangover from Friday night (by the way, every Friday night in the City of Power is so crazy and exhausting; the average number of parties I go to on Friday is 4). We talked a lot about different things, including relationships. In fact, he calls me a lot too; basically we talk every day, long conversations, yet he doesn't talk to his girlfriend every day. I still like him a lot, but I don't allow myself to be an intruder. Further, he might be only manipulating me, using me to help him on various things. I should still be cautious, although he is definitely my type. JJ is out of town for a few days, and I strongly feel that I miss him, but then, there's nothing I can do about it.

Can't type anymore; already dozed off in front of my screen.

Loner.

It's been about 5 days since I arrived in the City of Power. Issues revolve housing again. Somehow I always have some bad luck when having roommates. This time my going-to-be roommate rented out the bedroom to someone else although she promised me first. Oh well, she and her new roommate are my colleagues so what can I do about it? I can take it personally that she doesn't like me as much as her new roommate, but I don't really give a shit to them.

This makes me recall that last time when I had housing issues I met Ivan. However, this time, I am not seeking any help because this is American individualism. I have dropped a single tear since I left home, nor at the airport. I do feel lonely and miss my dog, but I insist not to cry.

There have been quite a few social events. I have met more than one hundred people during the past 2 days. But then, I still get this feeling of distance from whatever it is. It's just that, people meet people for the sake of money, but when you truly need help, you have nobody. You're a loner after all, even if you have hundreds of friends on Facebook because you know Facebook is only for networking and showing off instead of a place where you share anything true about yourself.