I finally get it.

 Recently I finished binge watching a Chinese drama series titled “Romance in the Rain” and I finally get it. I don’t mean getting the show, but getting life.

When I was a teenager I had the chance to experience puppy love, but I gave them all up. I disciplined myself so that I could have a successful academic career because that was the only way I had to escape from my family and change my destiny. Even in college, I gave up the opportunity to find an authentic puppy love with someone who could go to school with me. Instead, I kept dating online and kept having long distance relationships. I finally get it now. I had these imaginary, unrealistic relationships because my life gave me no choice. My family was my baggage, and still is. I had too many things to worry about at that point of my life—I prioritized moving abroad by studying a PhD with a full scholarship. I wanted to be away from home. I wanted a man who would take me abroad, a man whose family would not look at a relationship transactionally and I thought that could only happen if I was far away from my family, basically like an orphan. I wanted a man who could listen to my pain and not be overwhelmed by my baggage. Life deprived me of the chance of having puppy love.

There was a guy I met at my high school. I don’t even remember his name. He worked at my brother’s restaurant and every weekend I’d go to my brother’s restaurant for dinner. That guy went to a vocational high school, born and raised deprived, and he was working here and there so that he could be independent from his family. Every time when I went to the restaurant, we would chat and he was hilarious. So hilarious that I’d laugh so hard every time when I talked to him. There was so much chemistry. One day he told my other brother that he really wanted to date me and he promised that he would pamper me. My brother just told him it would be impossible because my family would not let me date someone who was not on my academic level, and more importantly they would not let me date someone with a much worse upbringing than mine.

After hearing that from my brother, I kept my distance from that guy. In my teenage years I gave up on all these opportunities just so that I could guarantee myself a successful academic career. How did I channel my needs then? I bought every CD, DVD, magazine and posters that I could find of the Backstreet Boys. I imagined Nick Carter to be my boyfriend. I talked to him every night after 12 hours of school. I mean, I talked to him in my head. You’d think it’s so unhealthy but actually that got me going with my life. The only hope I had was that I gotta meet him and date him one day, and to get there, I need to be very successful, very impressive, very beautiful. I cannot let the mediocre men around me delay my plan. This entire imaginary relationship kept my sane in my teenage years.

After high school, I had a lot more freedom in my life. I decided to let go of the Backstreet Boys and started to date men that looked like the Backstreet Boys. But of course some of them are nowhere near the Backstreet Boys in their looks, like Richard. There’s no denying that my superb will power has indeed achieved a lot of amazing things for myself, but at the same time the opportunity cost was way too high. I basically had no clue of how life worked. I knew how “work” worked, but not how “life” worked. The closest thing I had in my teenage years was Jes. Sadly I have never even met him in person. That is how pathetic my life is. I loved him so much and missed him for over a decade but I have never even met him in person. I’m still imagining that there could be someone out there who really hears my heart.

I could find true puppy love with a man who shares my culture, my language and my value system because I am looked down upon in my own system. I was one of those very deprived and marginalized where I went to school. I did not have the courage to open up to one of the people in my system in exchange for their rejection. Therefore I decided to despise all of them in my system and lived my social life off campus. 

I don’t know if it was a mistake in my life but it sure was a defense mechanism. I only dated men who would be moving far away so that they didn’t have to see who I am when I’m in my surroundings. I’ve always wished that a man could love me for who I am without my surroundings. If they see my surroundings they’d be overwhelmed and leave me. 

Then what about Angel? Does he love me for who I am? He says he does but trust me, he doesn’t. He married me for my abilities and credentials, and he doesn’t really know who I am. Our relationship has always been pretty transactional—I am capable in everything so I basically takes care of his life and our two special needs boys’ life, and his family has money so he pays. I married him because I was very tired of looking. I gave up and didn’t believe that the kind of man I wanted existed, especially after Ken got a woman pregnant and married her. 

How do I keep moving on? It’s very depressing to tell myself that this is my destiny and this is the man I’m gonna have to live with forever. It’s also very depressing thinking that there’s a true love out there somewhere for me. Both thoughts are very depressing; my circumstances are depressing and I just don’t have a way to change my destiny.

A few nights ago I saw Jes in my dream and I kept crying. I saw that he came to visit me in the City of Rain and he spent 3 days hanging out with me and my kids. He had a great way playing with special needs kids. He told me I was a good mom and soon he went to the airport. I tried really hard to call him to tell him to stay and I kept chasing after him. I kept calling out his name. I saw myself arriving at the airport but I was afraid that he had already boarded the plane. Then I woke up in terror.

Funny thing is that I don’t dream about Angel at all. He’s like a family member to me, and there’s no more romance. Maybe that kind of true love I had always dreamed of exists, but just not for me. Tears are a part of my destiny. I have the need to be pampered but it just won’t happen to me. My heart is aching again.