Highway exit.

In HIMYM, Barney has a theory about highway exits, which is a metaphor for when people should get out of a relationship.

Last Saturday, I spent the night at Angel's place, and lost my virginity Sunday morning. Btw, sex fucking hurts! I'm afraid the pain that comes with breaking the hymen has discouraged me from having sex again. I was penetrated for about 30 seconds but it continued to hurt for another 10 minutes, and the pain was intermittent throughout the day.

But anyway, back to the highway exit. We had a very long fight tonight. This Tuesday I had a day off from work so I went to visit him during dinner time for ice cream. Tonight I wanted to see him again so I told him that I might commute for an hour from work to see him again, so by the time I got there it'd be 8 p.m.

He replied, "that would be tough because I have to be ready for bed by 8:30."

I snapped, again. Although he later explained to me that he found that it made no sense to "me" traveling almost three hours round trip just to see him for 30 minutes, I still believe that his first reaction was that he needed to sleep and I shouldn't go bother him. He just sugar coated it afterwards. If he said instead, "oh thank you baby, but we will only be able to hang out for 30 minutes or so. Would it be ok with you?" or "oh thank you baby. That's so sweet. I'm willing to stay up later for you tonight!", I would have happily gone through my plan and go see him. But the first thing that came out of his mouth just made me so angry and relinquish the plan, and possibly our plan on Saturday too.

He kept apologizing and even said that he would love me to be there. He admitted that he used the wrong words at first and said that everything I said made sense but he's just bad at arguing. The argument kept going on and on and on, revolving sacrifices in a relationship, how much sleep I'm willing so sacrifice for him (and please note that I was even willing to go through all that trouble even though I'm having a cold; on Tuesday I even blew off an important alumni networking dinner just so I could hang out with him), what our priorities in life are. For me, love comes before everything else. I'm even willing to die for love. But he wouldn't. He insists on getting enough sleep every day otherwise he wouldn't be able to function well at work; in other words, work comes before his well being which comes before me.

The text conversation went on for hours. He said he would regret it the rest of his life if he can't do something to keep me because it's the most meaningful relationship he's ever had and I'm the most wonderful woman he knows. And yet, when I asked him if he'd commute 8 hours a day, twice a week, just to see me, like his dad used to do for his mom, he said we're not there yet cuz we've been together for just six weeks. All these messages send me very confusing and mixed signals. We agreed that we're both committed in this relationship but he doesn't love me yet, or he does but his definition of love is too simple and easy and treats love like a leisure activity that people do in their free time.

He feels inadequate as my bf because he can't do what I can do; he can't sleep less or work less for me while I can. Usually, based on my past experience, this is the time when the guy takes the highway exit and tells me that "he can't reciprocate the feelings that I have for him" or "you deserve better" or "I'm not worthy of your love", or "you need someone better to take care of you". He acknowledges that I'm too good for most men and possibly him too, but he's willing to try harder for me, AND YET, his body and job have their limits. He wants to stay in this relationship and is afraid that I might dump him, but there's nothing he can do to improve our current impasse. Oh he's good with words: he keeps saying he wants to but his health fails him, i.e. he can't.

I don't know which is better--guys who admit defeat and walks away on their own or guys who admit defeat but continue to do the minimum to keep me around.

Maybe I'm not a relationship material. Guys always feel inadequate with me. Or maybe the kind of true love I want doesn't exist--the kind that Repunzel would sacrifice her lifetime freedom for and Ryder would sacrifice his life for, or the kind that makes Tristan grow into manhood and that makes Yvaine so powerful that she could save both their lives.