A family?

What does it take to establish a family?

My answer is this: a loving, capable and responsible couple who believe that their partner is the one, a 4-bedroom house, a car, and enough savings for kids' education.

Angel and I just had the most depressing conversation any couple could have, about money. It all started from me being stressed out; I'm stressed out because I'm being exploited at work, and he told me to quit one of my jobs. After lots of analysis, I still decided to keep tutoring those kids because I want to make as much money as possible. Then I started to tell him about all the financial mess in family that almost half of my annual income goes to paying off my student loans, rent, and supporting my family. I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I'm depressed upon the thought of this.

Then my mind continued to meander around this issue; would Angel and I be ready to start a family together? Well, our kids get to go to his school for free from kindergarten through K12, which is a saver on a huge expense on education at the best private school in this country. But real estate price is crazy here. A thirty-year-old four-bedroom could easily cost $1m. Angel said it would be impossible for him to buy one, but he intended to rent a 3-bedroom to raise kids. The thought of our kids growing up in an apartment rental and myself spending the rest of my life in an apartment rental terrifies and saddens me.

And a car? Angel is against the idea of driving. He claims it's because parking is difficult in the City of Rain and he hates maintaining the car. But I think the truth is he can't have a good control of the car due to his scoliosis surgery. The picture of me and him pushing a stroller up and down the subway and bus saddens and terrifies me even more.

Is he loving, capable, and responsible? He's definitely loving and responsible, but not capable enough due to his scoliosis. Today I invited to go for a hike on a trail that I really like--it's a trail of which about 600 yards are almost vertical up to the top. In other words, half of the trail requires rock climbing. And according to his estimate, he wouldn't be able to make it because his back prevents him from carrying anything over 50lb. Rock climbing would require him to lift himself, which is over 50lb. This again frustrates me, because his scoliosis surgery does prevent him from engaging in a lot of activities, and yet he still tells me that it's never made him feel conscious or different from others. He has to get 8 to 9 hours of sleep every day because if he doesn't, his back hurts. 

Now I have more questions in my head. Can I really love a handicapped person? And how come in my experience so far, only handicapped people are crazy about me? Remember that one time I went on a date with a guy who has microtia? Can I raise my kids in a rented apartment without a car? There were other guys I dated who weren't homeowners and wouldn't be able to afford a house either, but when I was with them, I was somehow so fond of them that I could accept having a family without owning a house and a car; on the other hand, there's not enough evidence to back that up because our relationships were all too short for these issues to even come up.

How can I be depressed again when I'm in a loving relationship that I believe is the one?