As long as you love me

I had a blast with the Backstreet Boys. As a Platinum VIP, I got to go on stage when they were singing 10,000 promises, Quit Playing Games, and Madeleine. I want to write down everything as soon as possible so I will never forget this day.

I got to the venue at 2:30pm sharp, but I still waited in line for 30 minutes or so before they officially started to check in all the VIPs. Platinum VIPs got to stand in the first row during the sound check party and I asked the first question: do you personally believe in the ideas of true love that are so frequently and profoundly expressed in your songs?

Nick clarified with me, "like do we believe it?" I said, "yeah like Permanent Stain, Love Somebody?"

AJ answered the question solely. He said that a lot of the songs were based on their own experience of relationships, breakups, etc. Then I stopped hearing what he was saying because he walked to me and answered the question looking at me in the eyes in a squatting position. For the first time in my life, I felt like the Backstreet Boys were real people instead of some fantasies or images that I had always been chasing in my head. It was an ineffable feeling that I had never experienced before. I'm no longer a teenager and it felt like AJ was answering my question as if we were friends. It wasn't like I was one of those crazy fans who want to marry them or have their babies or would die for any chance to be hugged by them etc. (No, I'm really not that fucked up!) It kind of reminds of those good times I had with my buddies in the City of Power, with Tanner, Matt, etc. We could have this personal, intimate conversation although he, theoretically speaking, lives in a world I have no idea of. I can say his social status is much higher than mine and for him, I'm just another fan, but I'd rather not think like that. For one moment there, it felt like a friend I had always fantasized became real. That's all I can put in words.

The other guys didn't answer my question. I felt a bit bad and conscious about it. What if they thought I was too naive or stupid or they were impatient or even annoyed by questions like this? Other fans all asked "fun facts" sort of questions like "who do you secretly admire" or "can you sing this or that" or "what do you think about this or that". But I honestly didn't care that much about those fun facts because for the past 20 years, the only thing that has always puzzled me is that whether this kind of "as long as you love me" or "my love is all I have to give" true love is real. Does it exist? Has anyone seen it? Do those people singing it believe in it? Hence my question that day.

As soon as AJ finished answering my question, I just gave me a big smile and said "thank you!" After the sound check party, I took a picture with the boys. Everyone of them gave me a hug and I was so surprised and said thanks to everyone. But I wasn't all that ecstatic like other fans; again, it felt more like getting hugs from old friends, some old friends I had never met in person but had always been there for me when I needed some reaffirmation. Brian was the first who reached out his hands to hug me. A moment earlier I was just telling the security guy that I was feeling disappointed because they had just told us that we wouldn't be able to get back to our spot once we get off the stage, but eventually the problem was solved that they created a new small spot for all the platinums in the pit that we could go back to after we get off the stage. Then as soon as I saw Brian reaching out his hands asking me, "how are you doing?" I immediate felt great and just said, "great, thank you!" Then it was Kevin. Then I looked at Nick into his eyes, and somehow couldn't believe that I was meeting him in person for the first time in my life. I said to him, "oh my god, first time in my life!" Nick said, "come here babe," and hugged me really tight and lifted me a little. I looked so happy in the picture that everyone thought Nick was my bf. After they finished taking the photo, I also hugged AJ and said "thank you for answering my question" and then hugged Howie too.

That wasn't my only encounters with the boys. I shook hands with all of them repeatedly during the show and when I was on stage. The funniest thing was that I ran into Nick in the backstage alone when I was about to go on stage. I was the last in line (almost always the case because all other bitches were always running first and they all came with friends who could help each other get good spots; I was the only platinum VIP by myself so no one took pics of me when I was on stage) and when all the girls were on stage, I saw a shadow behind me so I turned around and looked. Nick just came to the backstage and we looked at each other in the eyes. I had one of those dramatic facial expressions where I appeared to my utterly surprised with my eyes wide open and hands on my chest. I didn't bother him for a hug or anything but I think he thought I was quite funny. I ended up sitting on the far left on the stage, a spot that all the youtube videos I've checked so far have been unable to capture. When Nick was ready, he came out from my right hand side and I didn't even notice it because I was paying all my attention to the other guys performing on stage. Then he offered his left hand right in front of my face and I was surprised again. I put my right hand on his hand and held his hand for a couple of seconds with my right hand (yeah, I'm conditioned to always use my right hand to shake hands and it wasn't intuitive to me to use my left hand). He looked at my in a sexy, flirtatious way which I found quite amusing that day. It was like he wasn't seriously flirty at all; he was just flirty in his own funny way, which I think is a good thing since all the boys are married now. They just work really hard to "entertain" the fans.

I hugged Brian and AJ again on stage and shook hands with Howie. During the show, Kevin also tried really hard to reach my hand, and so did Brian. AJ even walked right in front of me and we touched hands. The music was of course fabulous and perfect, as always. They worked really hard and made zero mistakes whether it was their dance or singing. This kind of spirit belongs to people in the 90s, like myself. I'm a 90s person and after this concert, I'm more assured than ever that the 21st century totally sucks--autotunes, smartphones, Facebook, crony plutocracy, enough said. I feel sad for those kids who spend their teenage years in the 21st century.

So now I'm gonna write more about my thoughts and emotions. I cried when I heard them sing 10,000 Promises at the sound check party. I loved that song when I was 11 or 12. But of course back then I didn't what it meant; I couldn't imagine a woman lying so much to a man. Now I get it, but I still think it's the guy who lies so much to a girl. I also cried when I heard All I Have to Give and As Long As You Love Me. All these songs were from Backstreet's Back, my very first CD album in my life. I learned about them after my German cousins visited our family in my fourth grade and I bought that CD. They were crazy about the BSB back then because the BSB first became popular and famous in Germany and then the entire Europe. After listening to that album over and over again, I bought their very first album Backstreet Boys and every other album thereafter; Millennium came out in my sixth grade I believe in 1998 or 1999, before it turned 2000. All the songs were so great and they were my only escape from all the fear, stress, pain at school. I remember in my 9th grade, I learned the entire Shape of My Heart listening to the radio every night before bed, before the album was officially released (also, this was a time where the Internet wasn't so easily available so it wasn't like I could just download their latest singles off the internet and listen to it repeatedly; I remember I could listen to that song exactly at around 10:20pm on that radio channel and I always had my printed lyrics ready waiting for the DJ to play that latest single right on time). I was deprived of all opportunities to have any romance in my teenage years and the Backstreet Boys were the ones who kept feeding me ideas of love and romance. However, now I'm wondering whether that was a good thing; maybe that's why I'm so unrealistic in love and haven't been able to settle down with someone.

In the summer of my 10th grade, I also booked a trip to Singapore for the MTV Asia Awards because Nick was the first artist who promised to perform there. Then he cancelled the last minute and I really cried out of frustration. In the end, I still went to Singapore for the show and saw many other great artists, like Robbie Williams who shook his hips right above me. There was also Missy Elliott, a couple of guys from NSync or Five or Boyzone (??). Can't remember well. I didn't have any camera and this was again, a time before anything digital. It was a fun trip with my cousin, but after that I kind of gave up on the Backstreet Boys. They were on a hiatus during that time and I thought I would never have a chance to see them.

But then in 2008, some miracle happened. The universe gave me an opportunity to see them free of charge. My seats were were in the front area but not very close to the guys, but that was my first encounter with the boys. This time I finally had the financial capabilities to pay for the Platinum VIP package and I thought it was a way for me to show my support to their perseverance, to thank the Universe's answer to my prayer and some unknown force that brought me to that concert in 2008. And it turned out to be so much fun, so magical.

Here's the most important question of all: do I still believe in the ideas of true love shaped by the Backstreet Boys? Deep down, as I dig and search and dig at the bottom of my heart, I do, I still do. Because without all that, the world is too fucked up and provides no purpose for people to continue to live in this world. When I was 13, I spent one summer at a boarding school in the UK and it was my first time traveling abroad by myself, I felt so scared pretty much every night. Some Italian boys were also harassing me by knocking on my window or even my door. It was such a stressful environment that I kept listening to Millennium every night, my favorites being Back to Your Heart and Spanish Eyes. I also became good friends with a girl from Spain who was totally crazy about the BSB and after that summer we wrote each other mail with magazine clippings of the BSB. It's like the lyrics, the music, their voice have helped me rise up to so many challenges; I could climb out from the bottom of a pit every time because of their music. I was so stupid, and still am so stupid that I just keep believing and believing... I don't know the counter-factuals because this is how I live my life and have made my dreams come true in different stages of my life, including the dream to see the Backstreet Boys in person one day.