Fat, words

Wow, it's been over two weeks since I last wrote. There have been many times that I felt like writing something down, but I couldn't because I was either exhausted or had too much on my plate.

First of all, I caught a cold after the Backstreet Boys' concert, which took me a week to recover. After realizing that I've been getting sick more frequently than I used to a few years ago, say, when I was in grad school, I decided to start to seriously take care of my personal well-being. I have been neglecting my emotions and physical shape lately because you know, I have kind of given up on love, and the only thing I feel grateful about in my life is my job. I'm neglecting everything else in my life for the sake of building up my reputation and career prospects.

So, a week ago, I bought a Oster Versa blender. It's been evidenced that vegetable and fruit smoothie is able to rejuvenate our digestive system or starve daily tumor cells. Maybe I'm not using the proper words here, so I'll just say it'll make me healthier. Of course I did a lot of research before spending a couple hundred bucks on that thing. It all started from the organizer of my grad school alumni chapter in the City of Rain. He had liver cancer about 20 years ago and his wife has helped inhibit his tumor cells after he had that big surgery all thanks to her VItamix and recipes. I'm waiting for her recipe book to arrive in the mailbox so I can start to make scientifically healthy smoothies. So far I've been blending fruits with vegetables consisting of different colors; apparently, "rainbow diet" is supposed to balance our metabolism (or just to make us healthier simply put).

I intended to write on May 12, when our alumni group gathered again for a fancy dinner welcoming a visiting professor. Guess what? JJ was there. He just moved back to the City of Rain from the City of Power. An hour before the gathering, he sent me an email saying "Hey been losing contact for such a long time! See you tonight!" I was so irritated upon reading this message. WHERE'S THE FUCKING SUBJECT? You were the one who lost contact with me for such a long time; you promised me that you'd give me a call before I left the City of Gold but you never did. You have my email address, whatsapp, iMessage, and everything; if you really wanna stay in touch, you can easily do so. And guess what? People today blame everything to Facebook. If I'm not on Facebook, I'm responsible for not being in touch by default. Argh. I fucking hate the 21st century.

Besides that, nothing really happened between us. We were unauthentic with each other, as always. Some other alumni thought it was so interesting that we were classmates for 6 years in total; he also reminded that we have known each other for 10 years. Yeah, that's true. I can't believe time just flies like that. But I never liked him in college anyway; he said he was afraid to talk to me in college. After that few-night-thing in the City of Power, I made myself vulnerable but he chose his girlfriend over me. I had my heart broken and started to hate him (and myself) again. End of story.

I had an interesting date last Saturday night, with a very intelligent Russian American. We hung out from 10pm till 1am. After that night, I realized how much I miss having intellectual conversations with someone like that. It's been such a long long long time. I've been single for too long. But then, I knew that night that this Russian guy wouldn't commit. He didn't even give me his phone number for our blind date; he just texted me through OKCupid, not even whatsapp, even though I gave him my number. He was very secretive, which made me wonder if he was serious at all. His profile says that we're the same age but I'm pretty sure he's a few years older than me. He's smart, capable of everything (he can fly airplanes and drive motorcycles and used to be a lawyer), but emotionally unavailable--he couldn't remember the last time he cried and he told me that he had to be paid to care for his kids if he had one because he didn't see the point of caring about what the kids do. I was pretty shocked and flustered upon hearing this.

A little part of me still imagined a fairy tale in which I became the woman who completely changed him, "saved" him and made him feel happy again. The 25-year-old me would do so; the 18-year-old would do so as well. But not this almost-30-year-old me. I miss the time of myself being so idealistic and always fantasizing about the romantic stories ever, and then crying helplessly whenever I didn't get it. Stupid right? Why would I miss that part of history of myself? Because that part of me is vulnerable and sweet. Every man wanted to kiss me and I kissed many. Yes, the consequences were terrible but at least I had sufficient dosage of dopamine that I was never overweight. Recently I find myself annoyingly overweight that I'm feeling really stressed out. I can't fit in so many of my clothes and I look round in all my pics. Also, the more I try not to eat the worse the food craving gets. I have an antagonistic history with losing weight and keeping myself hungry and I have never succeeded in that realm. The only way to lose weight that has worked in my entire life is to fall in love, or at least have a crush on someone, even if it's just my wishful thinking. I have been single for too long; what's worse, I haven't loved someone for too long.

The last time I came close to becoming skinny again was when Roy and I were dating. Unfortunately, it ended too soon that the dopamine level dropped to the bottom immediately and hence all my bikini pictures look fat. Before Roy, it was just Sean and Michael. I was skinny as well when I was dating them but I had skin problems. And now my skin is finally clear for almost a year, but my weight is freaking me out again.

That's why I wish I could secretly hold onto that intelligent pilot/motorcycle driver at this moment so my dopamine level would rise. But the pain that comes with wishful thinking is too much that my brain, or heart, automatically shuts off. This is why unloved people or celebrities do drugs, to boost up their dopamine so they can stay skinny. Human beings are such a fucked up creature.

I can't even remember the last time I cried for a man. Maybe I'll do so tonight. That Saturday night before I went to the date, I cried my eyes out thinking about Baby. Baby is the only one in the world who can make me cry helplessly. Our love is irreplaceable and there will never be a day in my life when I think of her and not cry.

I think about Ken, Erik, JJ, Roy, Michael, Sean, or Alex from time to time but I don't feel sad anymore. Maybe I'm shutting down my heart when it comes to those guys; maybe I'm just being indifferent to love these days, which is why I'm getting fat.

I went to a speed dating event last Sunday and was hugely disappointed. Out of the 25 guys I met, only about 5 of them were intellectually compatible with me; out of the 5 who were kind of intellectually compatible with me, none of them chose me in the end. They probably found me intimidating or something.

After that, I went to OT by myself for food. No one came to talk to me, but I kept missing Roy. I remember the first conversation we had, and all the sweet things he said to me. I actually wish he could show up and talk to me again. No, no one showed up. Everyone that was once in my life is now long gone. People I sent emails to never replied to me. Tanner got married on May 9 and I sent him a genuinely blessing email but he never responded. Not even a thank-you. Richard and Gorav asked me how I ended up meeting with the Backstreet Boys, I explained and they never responded; they asked me how I was doing, I answered, but they never reciprocated.

Does everyone hate me?

If I say yes, then you (whoever you are) will say that I shouldn't take this personally and the world isn't against me. In fact, I tell myself that too, but I just find myself more and more numb that I'm always reasoning with me emotions and instincts. I think I brought up a pretty good argument during my date with that Russian pilot lawyer; he claimed that our emotions can be explained because they're all a part of our survival instincts, but I argued that if our instincts are meant to help us survive and yet we use our rationality to reason with it, to convince ourselves whatever we're feeling right now is unnecessary, our rationality and reason are actually going against our survival.

Bam, lawyered!