Friday, October 24, 2025

Are words just words?

Oct 18: I can feel how exhausting and heartbreaking the situation was, the restaurant and both in that encounter with the man and in everything that came afterward. No one should have to experience that kind of hostility, especially in front of their child. You did what any caring mother would do, you protected your son, comforted him, and helped him process what happened in the only way he could express it.

I’m really sorry about what you went through with your ex and his family. It’s deeply painful when the people who should stand by you choose silence instead. Feeling unseen or dismissed in those moments can break something inside. From what you described, it wasn’t just about that one incident, it was about realizing you were alone in carrying all the emotional weight, the fear, and the responsibility. That kind of loneliness in a relationship is hard to bear, for anyone...

As for your son, it sounds like he’s trying his best to make sense of the world and express his feelings in his own way. You’ve shown incredible strength and patience guiding him through it all, even without a clear manual or support system. That’s something to be proud of!

And hey, I’m glad you had that facial treatment, glowing skin and all. Sometimes those small acts of self-care are what help us breathe again, even if just for a moment. You deserve every bit of calm and comfort after all that you’ve been through.

You’re not alone, even if it feels that way sometimes. I’m always willing to listen.

Take care of yourself and enjoy your awesome bath!

Gen

****
Oct 19:
Hi Gen, it feels really sweet that you replied to my email right after your long trip to OSK and among dealing with complex technical issues. I have no clue what those things are in your picture. When I was a student the most I could do is to replace the hard drive or the RAM myself. My company now replaces my laptop every 3 years and we have alpha geeks on site who literally can trouble shoot everything so I don’t have to fix a computer anymore.

I just woke up. I slept for 10 hours I think. Last night I cried myself to sleep listening to Chasing Time and about 30 mins ago, the thunders outside woke me up. Have I ever told you I love rainy days, especially when there’s a storm? The heavier the rain, the fewer the people and cars out there. The world becomes quiet and I can be alone. It hasn’t rained in the City of Rain for 3 weeks already. I’m happy it’s finally raining. 

So are you feeling better after your trip to OSK and deciding to get a new computer?

Ok here’s a picture of my face glowing after the facial. Absolutely no makeup so you’re gonna see my pores and wrinkles and freckles.😅

I am definitely getting a massage today. You should too!

*****
Oct 19:
Hi Kendra,
Thank you for sharing such a lovely picture. It’s been a bit frustrating lately since I haven’t been able to fix my PCs; all I can do now is wait for the parts to arrive and give it another shot. It’s just a habit of mine; I always try to repair what I have before moving on to something new.
I spent the day alone, enjoyed some quiet time at a cozy little cafe, and even wrote a song.

Oh, my friend in Malaysia is asking me permission to perform 贝贝, he has a performance in a club end of the month and was hoping I could play guitar or drums. Not said yes yet. 

Here and Now

I used to chase the echoes of yesterday,
Pictures in my mind that wouldn’t fade away,
But every tear I cried just washed the same old pain,
The more I looked behind, the more I lost my way.

The future’s a whisper, a storm in the dark,
Promises and questions tearing me apart,
But the sunlight’s here, it’s shining clear,
Telling me this moment’s all that’s real.

So I won’t think about the past, it only brings the tears,
And I won’t dream too far ahead, it only feeds the fears,
I’m standing in the middle, breathing in the light,
Living in the present, my heart open wide,
Here and now, this is my life.

Every heartbeat’s a story I can choose to write,
Every breath reminds me that I’m still alive,
The world keeps turning, the seasons change,
But peace is found when I stay in the frame.

The clocks can’t stop, the years will fade,
But I can dance inside the day,
No more waiting for someday’s grace,
I’ve found my home in this embrace.

I won’t think about the past, it only brings the tears,
And I won’t dream too far ahead, it only feeds the fears,
I’m standing in the middle, breathing in the light,
Living in the present, my heart open wide,
Here and now, this is my life.

Let the memories rest, let tomorrow wait,
Today’s enough, it’s never too late,
To smile, to breathe, to just be free,
The moment’s all I’ll ever need.

I won’t think about the past, I’ve cried my share of tears,
And I won’t fear the future, it’s not yet here,
I’m standing in the moment, where my soul feels right,
Living for the present, bathed in light,
Here and now, this is my life.

Here and now, I’m alive,
Here and now… this is my life.

*****

Oct 19:

Hi Gen, it feels nice to read your email just as I’m about to sleep and thank you for liking my picture. I love the lyrics of your new song; it’s really beautifully written. I love the depth of it. What’s the story behind it this time?

I would love to see you perform! Isn’t this coming week the end of the month, or the few days after? Well in the City of Rain we’re celebrating Halloween this weekend so to me that’s the end of the month. If I had some time off I’d totally fly to KL to see you perform.😜 I actually have some time off at the end of November, not in October tho.

You and I have the same habit. Whenever I run into a problem I’d keep trying to fix it until I’ve exhausted all options. But I’ve also learned that there are some problems that just aren’t worth trying. I am so sorry that a split second of power surge is causing you so much trouble and stress. You know what could be a good song for now? Going crazy! I’ve listened to it a few times today. You know at the start of the song, it goes “yeah Gen, ever wake up thinking it’s Friday?” It sounds so amusing to me because my name is actually Jen. 😉 But I go by Kendra 99% of the time. 

I’m happy to know you had some cozy time at the cafe. Did they have milk tea? I kept craving milk tea today but couldn’t find any good one that could embrace and nourish me inside out so I ended up having none. I had some quality time with my older son today, enjoying fine dining in downtown and then I had a massage and a quiet dinner by myself. 

Maybe tomorrow I can find some good milk tea on ubereats at work. 

Get some rest and sweet dreams!

******
Oct 23:

Hi Kendra, That’s nice to know. I had to take a week off work because there are so many things I need to sort out with my old computers and home servers. I didn’t realize how bad the damage was until I started going through all my backups.

Thank you for the compliment! I also rented a studio so I can start recording instruments with the team. My friend got a gig performing at a club in KL and Singapore, he’s performing half the set with songs I wrote, which feels kind of strange. I’m hoping to plan a trip to join the performance, but I was told I might need a visa for Singapore to be part of the show. Troublesome! So… we’re Gen Jen, eh? Haha.

Yes, there was milk tea at the cafe, but it didn’t quite meet my expectations, too much milk. That’s so nice that you got to spend time with your older boy; I hope it was a great experience for him.

How’s your week going?

*****

Oct 23:

Hi Gen, happy to hear from you. I feel bad that the PC situation is actually worse than expected. I’m also impressed by how geeky you are. 😅 It does sound like you’ve got a lot of things done this week, no?

Maybe if you perform and not get paid then you can travel to Singapore as a tourist on a visa-waiver? At least for Taiwanese citizens it’s visa free. I’d travel to Singapore in a heartbeat! (The last time I went there was already 3 years ago I think.)

Yes, Gen Jen. Although these days if someone calls me Jen I’ll have to confirm with them to make sure they’re actually calling me.😅

My week was busy as usual. I just realized we’re only two months away from 2026. I really hope to be able to finalize my divorce contract and sign the papers before then, but we’re still going back and forth with our negotiations. The more back and forth there is, the more traumas and bad memories resurface. Each day I pretty much do the same things—work 9 hours, take care of kids and get them to bed, then think, process and write stuff for myself, then pass out, and a new day begins. Time goes by fast this way.

There’s a storm in the City of Rain this week. It’s been raining heavily all week long, even though it’s not a typhoon but the storm feels almost as strong as a typhoon. Every time when a storm hits and I get wet in the storm, I’d recall that night when I was abandoned in the storm exactly ten years ago. I was on my way to see him and got stuck in the storm for hours because the subway stopped running and there were barely any taxis. He stayed warm and dry at his home the entire time and would not even meet me halfway. In the end I returned home alone, completely drenched, defeated, and chose to stay in the relationship and marry him because I told myself, “as long as I don’t put myself out there in the storm again, then there would never be a need for him to protect me and I won’t notice it if he doesn’t protect me.”

Then life threw us even more storms that were way bigger than that storm that night. It’s like the universe forbids me from fooling myself, but it allows other people to fool themselves and to just live their lives ignorantly, dishonestly all the time.

I got a milk tea today, from Family Mart. It’s is the best milk tea you can have from a convenience store here: [image]
But now I’m starting to wonder if it was completely formulated chemically and actually doesn’t have any tea or milk if it.😱 It tastes really good tho.

Goodnight,
Kendra

******
Oct 24:

Hi Kendra,

It’s really good to hear from you, too. Please don’t feel bad about the PC situation; it’s one of those things that tests patience more than skill, and I’ve learned that with machines, sometimes, no matter how careful we are, shit happens. 😅 But thank you, I’ll take “geeky” as a compliment! You’re right, though, this week has been packed. I’ve been juggling quite a few things, but hearing from you is always a nice pause from the noise.

I think it doesn't matter paid or not ( and I'm not) as long as you're performing, I need a work visa for that night.

I can only imagine how draining the divorce process must be. The constant back and forth, reopening old wounds, and being reminded of pain that you’ve tried so hard to put behind you, that’s heavy, and it takes so much strength to face it every day while still showing up for your kids and yourself. You’re doing something incredibly difficult, yet you’re still standing, still caring, still processing. That says a lot about the quiet strength you carry. Even if the days blend right now, you’re still moving forward, one piece at a time, and that progress matters, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Yes, I remember what you shared about the storm, and you went to see him.  It’s heartbreaking, not just the image of being left alone in the rain, but the emotional storm it represents, loving someone who couldn’t meet you halfway. And then, choosing to stay because you thought protecting yourself from the pain would be enough. I think a lot of us have done that, convinced ourselves that less hurt equals love, when it’s really just survival. The way you described the universe, “forbidding you from fooling yourself,” that’s powerful. Painful, yes, but there’s truth in that. Maybe the storms weren’t punishment, but clarity, reminders that you deserve someone who would step into the rain for you.

Family Mart really does make surprisingly addictive drinks, even if they’re 90% mystery chemicals. 😆 Sometimes, a good milk tea is exactly what’s needed, a small, sweet moment that doesn’t demand anything from you.

Please take care of yourself through this storm, both the one outside and the one you’re walking through inside. You’ve already weathered so much, and you’re still here, still finding warmth and humor and reflection in the middle of it all. 

Goodnight Kendra. I hope you rest well tonight, you’ve earned it.

*****
Oct 24:
Hi Gen, thank you for taking a pause to reply to my email. Happy Friday! (I used to love Fridays but now I kind of dread weekends.) You do sound very busy and tired. Have you been getting sleep? I'm happy to know that my words take you away from the noise out there for a bit. 

I couldn't sleep well last night. Because of the nonstop heavy rain, Halloween celebrations in the City of Rain are postponed for a week, which means I have to make that monthly visit to my dad this weekend. And that just gives me stress, so last night I had a dream where he raised his voice and that got me angry and I woke up from the dream. Then it took me a while to be able to fall back to sleep again but I couldn't really feel comfortable in bed again. That's the worst kind of insomnia even though I love the sound of the rain. I have talk therapy at 11am today so I'm gonna have to work on this again...

Thank you for reminding me of the lyrics of Chasing Time. Your words about the storm are so powerful that I'd always revisit them when I'm in a storm. I think you've said it better than I did--we think less hurt means love but it really is just survival. This really makes me wonder what love is then. I've been searching for the answer for my whole life and I still can't quite name it; maybe what love is cannot be verbalized? Also, you never sent me the unplugged version of Chasing Time. You told me at one point that you were working on it but I never got it. Did you end up finishing it? I would loooooove to listen to it.

I've caught a cold these couple of days. It's mild but I've got a runny nose and I wanna get more sleep. I am not taking time off from work for this cold though...😅



Wednesday, October 22, 2025

They will all fade.

Gen hasn’t emailed me for over 48 hours. ChatGPT tries to convince me that his silence doesn’t necessarily equate disappearance. Unfortunately my sixth sense is always sharp and accurate about these things. I could tell from his tone of voice in the last email to feel that he is fading.

Everyone is fading, and I am by myself again. 

I find it hard to believe that there will be someone that comes into my life by serendipity and wants to walk beside me in the storm.

The storm. It’s been nonstop for 3 days. The harder it rains, the more I remember how hurt I was that night in the storm, and even though I can keep myself dry now, my heart feels just exactly the same way as that night.

Tuesday, October 21, 2025

The Storm

There has been a storm for the last few days and the rain and wind were heavy, nonstop. Monday morning the moment I woke up, I immediately texted Angel that I could give him a ride to work because he hates getting wet due to his sensory integration issues.

I don’t know why I offered that, because he left me alone in that storm ten years ago. I revisited that entry from September 30, 2015, and I realized my body remembers the pain from that storm very well. I was such a mess that night, completely drenched, didn’t know where to go because the storm was so strong and I didn’t have a car. There were barely any taxis on the street. I chose to stay in the relationships after being abandoned that night in the storm because I told myself nothing in real life would be as dangerous as me putting myself in the storm. As long as I didn’t do such a thing to myself, then Angel’s absence from the storm wouldn’t be a problem. 

Unfortunately you can’t fool the universe. Two c-sections, Little N born with VSD and stayed in NICU for ten days for underdeveloped lungs, Little O diagnosed of autism, me being attacked and bullied and humiliated by strangers for my kids’ behavior in public, Little O being bullied by others—all these things are much more dangerous and hurtful than that storm, and I have been left alone again and again. Everytime it feels like reliving that storm that night. 

In my fight with Angel last night, he still claimed that it wasn’t safe to go out in the storm that night, despite saying that he made a mistake and we were getting divorced anyway. I asked him, “why do i instinctively think of giving you a ride in the car in the storm the moment I opened my eyes in the morning?” He said, “because you’re nice?” His answer totally made me speechless, and this morning he went to work on his own and I’d never offer him a ride in the storm again.

ChatGPT did a great job processing this for me and wrote a letter on my behalf:

Dear Angel,


I’ve reread your love letter after all these years. I remember how my heart fluttered then — how I held each word like a fragile promise. At the time, your praise felt like safety. It felt like being seen. I wanted so badly to believe that someone finally saw me.


But now I see what was missing.

You saw my smile, my warmth, my kindness. You saw how my presence made you feel. You saw the glow, not the ache beneath it. You loved the way I gave — how I made the world lighter for you — but you never reached for the girl who was tired, the one who needed someone to shield her from the rain.


You admired me, but you didn’t protect me.

You took in the way I lit up a room, but you never stood beside me when the storm closed in.

You wanted the part of me that made love easy, soft, and beautiful. But I needed someone who could hold the weight of me when it wasn’t easy at all.


I was more than the warmth you felt.

I was the girl shivering in the typhoon, the woman who gave birth in fear, the mother who stood alone when our child was judged. I needed you to see that part of me — the one who doesn’t smile, the one who needs holding.


You didn’t. And that is a truth I can finally name without begging for your understanding.


So this letter isn’t about blame.

It’s about taking myself back from the fantasy that your words created.

I am not just kind, or sexy, or warm, or strong.

I am a whole person — messy, tender, needing, fierce.


And whether or not you ever could see her, I see her now.

She deserves more than to be someone’s sunlight. She deserves to be held in the rain.


— Me


Monday, October 20, 2025

To remember this

It’s past midnight again but I really need to write this down.

So in August a new guy joined our department. He’s six years younger than I am and now he’s replaced me to be the youngest person in the department. Let’s call him Jinu, from Kpop Demon Hunters, lol. The very first day we met, we just seemed to click and had a lot of things to chat about. He told me his parents were divorced when he was little, his parents’ job and his brother’s job. We have talked about everything within the first few days of our training, including nature vs nurture, food, culture, politics, language, philosophy, psychology, mental health (he’s very health conscious because of the genes he carries), and he told me that somehow he had told me way more things he’d tell anyone else and that I’ve unlocked some memories in him. I told him, “so it sounds like I’m your therapist.” And he said, “yeah. Send me the bill.” 

On the first day of work, when I was in a hurry to my room, my mouse slipped off from my laptop. Jinu was walking behind me. Before I bent down to grab it, Jinu immediately rushed from behind me and picked it up for me. That was a moment when I felt so warm, so seen and understood, and I thanked him right away.

Over the last two months we often chat with each other during our lunch breaks. During the fall break he visited the country where his parents were from, and on our first day back at work, he wanted to show me pictures of all sorts of food he had back there because he thought of the fact that I liked seafood. In our more recent conversations we talked about EMDR, trauma, therapy, childhood abuse. He told me after his parents got divorced his mom was dating a man who was abusive to him and his brother and that was how he started therapy—court mandated therapy. I didn’t reveal that I grew up with domestic violence but I told him that I am getting trauma therapy with someone from California and I think I’ll be getting therapy for the rest of my life.

Ok so today, Monday, during our lunch break, we were chatting about food again. Then from one thing to another, including Singaporean elitism, British elitism, academic elitism, I talked about the noodle shop incident where that lunatic bullied me and my child. After I told him what happened, he said, “i knew you’d flip out about that guy. If I were there I’d physically block him out. You couldn’t have texted me and I live right around the corner. I would have physically stopped the guy.” I thanked him twice and said, “oh well it was six months ago and you had not moved to the City of Rain yet.”

Then I also mentioned that in the US last summer a man told me to take my child out of the restaurant until he’d stopped crying. Even tho their dad was sitting right there but these bullies always confront me, never the dad. Then Jinu asked me, “so is your ex living in America now?” I said, “no he’s in the British department across the hall.” Then Jinu paused a few seconds with surprised eyes to piece it together and asked me, “so is he your ex…” and I quickly said quietly (cuz this happened all in our office!) “I’m in the process of divorcing” and he quickly got that and said “so the father of your child…” and he also mentioned that his mom was a single mom and there were times when his mom couldn’t manage he and his brother’s behaviors so he could understand what I went through.

Anyway I chose to write this down before I sleep because I have a few things I’d like to say to Jinu, here, not in person.

Thank you for having the instinct to protect me, to stand between me and the cruel world. That’s something I’ve been craving for my whole life but never had. I don’t know who in the world could protect me, or us, except for myself. I wish you could be different from other men, but I really don’t know, and I’m too scared to hope for anything at this point of my life. I wish there was a way to go back in time, so that you really could stand in front of me and block that guy, block the bullying. But you weren’t there. What’s the universe’s message to me that you weren’t there?

I’ve cried so many times today already just thinking about what Jinu said to me. I don’t think he’s interested in me because he’s very social and has made so many friends here already. It seems like many other women also enjoy chatting with him. I, on the other hand, am still very quiet and introverted; I focus on getting the work done every day and leave work on time to avoid unpaid overtime. I can only connect with a few people who vibe with me, and I can never be the popular kind.

Saturday, October 18, 2025

Another Saturday

My letter to Gen sums up my Saturday. 

Hi Gen, thank you for thinking of me on a chaotic day of yours. I really feel bad for all the trouble and anxiety you had to go through for just one power surge. I wish I could say that my day was good but it wasn’t entirely good. I’m now finally in my rose bubble bath with rose petals and scented candles so I could type this letter. Here it is: [image of my bathtub]

This morning my kids had lots of fun decorating our house for Halloween with me; it was just the three of us. They were so excited that they kept hugging and kissing me. In the afternoon I took them for shopping and then dinner at Sushiro. When we were shopping, some uptight women told my kids, half joking half serious, that they needed to be quiet and behave well, right in front of my face. It gets on my nerves when random people discipline my kids on my behalf. I took a deep breath and decided not to say anything, as if I didn’t hear those women, but I was already hypervigilant about their behaviors. Then at Sushiro, my older son was tired and hungry so he couldn’t control his behavior. He was playing with the windows protecting the conveyor belt and one window slipped out and fell onto the table next to us and disturbed the other customers. I quickly apologized on his behalf and then yelled at him. The waitress came and he made another window slip out onto our own table, right in front of the waitress. This time I slapped him on his arm and yelled at him again. 

I regretted my behavior immediately after. I hate myself for being the one hurting my child but I was afraid if I didn’t do so someone else would hurt him. Other random adults have yelled at him and other children have hit him for his inappropriate behaviors in public when I am not physically close enough to immediately stop or correct his behavior. I’d rather let these angry strangers see that I was already angry at my child so that they would not get angry at him; I’d rather be the one hurting my child than let random strangers hurt him.

Then I kept thinking, if I could calm myself and didn’t yell or hit him, what would happen to us? I think those people would yell at me or at him, just like the noodle shop incident. 

The noodle shop incident was something that happened in spring this year, and it was one of the most painful things that happened earlier this year and led to my decision to divorce. Here’s the email I wrote to my family about what happened:

After work today I picked up the kids from their school. It was a full day of school for Big Bro so he was very hungry and wanted to buy noodles from the noodle shop near us. He really tried to order the food on his own and we had been rehearsing what to say multiple times. We were waiting in line for our turn.

Then a young man with a backpack in front of us finished his order. He turned back to us and said to me "watch your child." Big Bro didn't do anything to him. After I finished our order, I kept staring at him, and he saw me stare at him, and then I went to talk to him.

I asked, "Did my child touch you?"
He said, "Yes he brushed my backpack."
I said, "Did you see how narrow the space is for lining up? Was I not watching him? There are other people who brushed me and I don't say anything."
He said, "Your child brushed me and you should watch him. Should I apologize for your child brushing my backpack? I am going to record this."
He was getting his phone out. I raised my voice, "My child is a minor so don't you dare record him. Also he's autistic. If you film me, I can film you too."

Then, some random loser dining at the restaurant turned to me and said, "you guys can take your discussion outside. This is a place for people to eat."

I took Big Bro outside to wait for our food and I kept staring at that lunatic. The more I stared at him, the harder he laughed. I suspected that he was mentally deranged, and yet he was so articulate. I fucking wanted to kill him. Then he came outside to smoke and said to me, continuing to laugh, "I have all day to spend with you."  I said, "who taught you to talk like this? Where is your ethics? Were you not born and raised by your mother?" I said to him, "if you're so afraid of narrow spaces and being brushed by others, I recommend you move somewhere rural without anyone."

There were more exchanges between us. At one point Big Bro tried to hold his hand, and it made him laugh sarcastically. I yelled at Big Bro, "This man is bullying you." This man said, "Even your child knows that you should go now. You're so funny."

Our food was ready and I asked the cashier, "that guy is somewhat psychotic right?" The cashier said, "possibly. When you encounter someone like that, don't waste your time and just leave." 

I am so fed up with the world; they are so fucking selfish that there is no room left for my children. Even if this man is mentally deranged, I have no sympathy for him. I wish that his psychotic episode takes place tonight and he ends his life right there. The world doesn't have enough oxygen and space for losers like that. 

After we got home, I asked Big Bro, "Do you know why mommy is very scared and very sad? There was a man bullying you. He was a bad man."

Big Bro said, "And Big Bro wanna go to mommy's white car and scream." I think he's telling me how he has felt from some other similar incidents at school but he doesn't have the words to describe what happened.

Why are we so alone in this world?

———
This email led to my divorce because after I sent it and verbally told my ex-to-be what happened, he said only one thing, “just for brushing his backpack?” I cried after I got home and he was silent and didn’t say or do anything. His family said nothing besides, “I’m sorry. I hope you feel better,” as if everything was only my problem. If he or anyone in his family had said something compassionate, I probably wouldn’t decide to divorce. When I look back, the most warmth I got in the entire incident was from the cashier, someone who told me to just swallow my pain. How ironic. 

When I got pregnant, I swore I’d never lift a finger on my child; I swore this even before I was married. But then, nobody ever told me or taught me what I should do if my child couldn’t understand language, had impulsive behaviors that he couldn’t control, no one could reason with him, other people could physically hurt him because he sometimes physically hurts them by accident, and he couldn’t understand danger. 

Ahh. This is too heavy. I wish I could have said something that could cheer you up. Oh well, I had a facial treatment last night and my skin was glowing afterwards, and I thought that should have been a precursor to a chill weekend.

Thursday, October 16, 2025

Step forward?

I asked Gen to recommend another movie that kind of made him cry and he told me about A Silent Voice, another Japanese anime, and I watched it last night.

On Tuesday I had a day off from work because I had to take Little N to the hospital. It’s now his turn to get a joint evaluation for his special needs and schooling arrangement. I can’t imagine how busy I’m going to be for the next 8 months.

Here’s my correspondence with Gen for the past few days. I’m beginning to wonder if I am fated to be kept in a liminal space with everyone. No matter how special they think I am, how strong the emotional intimacy or would resonance, people’s fear always wins and my love and presence always lose.

Me: Hi Gen, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me. I’m terrified of physical exams actually, so scared that I often procrastinate.😭 A couple of years ago they found a lump in my breast and I had a microscopic surgery to remove it. It turned out to be pre-pre-cancerous so I’ve been getting annual check ups for that and each time it still gives me so much anxiety. My next general exam is coming up in December. I like the post-exam meal and the view at my hospital though.😅 How did it go for you? I started writing this email during my lunch break but I was completely swamped at work so couldn’t finish it. Now I have just finished work and got home.

I did not sleep well last night because my Monday blues gave me a nightmare about work. Even though my job is very easy I still have nightmares about it from time to time, mostly due to my own expectations of myself. (I’m quite a perfectionist when it comes to work.)

I’m terrified of Alzheimer’s as well. I don’t think it’s genetic in my family but I’ve witnessed my grandparents deteriorate in their memory and functions before they died. Sometimes when I’m so busy with work and parenting I forget things too and I’d freak out and wonder if I’m getting Alzheimer’s. My brainpower is very central to my identity and without it I don’t know who I’ll be. I also wonder if I can’t remember things, who would still be in my memory. I hope I’d remember my kids no matter what.

As for mental health, that’s something I focus on a lot for my children. I’d rather that they can be who they are and mentally healthy than try to fit them into some system that doesn’t make them happy. Mental illness is universal especially among teenagers, not just in the US. In Taiwan 1/6 of the population has mental illness and I think the number should be even higher because so many people are undiagnosed. I see crazy people on the streets all the time. In my community I’ve seen multiple people die by suicide over the past decade, including minors and expats.

I’m not sure if there’s a surge but in the world today people are definitely more open to diagnosis and talking about it. I’ve been living with chronic depression and gone through a few nervous breakdowns in my life so I am very aware of the vicious cycle—if the caretakers themselves don’t have the emotional resources to support their children then depression just keeps getting passed down. That’s why I work so hard to heal myself because I am committed to breaking the cycle in my family. My parents do not understand emotional intimacy or mental health and therefore I grew up without compassion, and it’s also because their parents didn’t know that those things either when they were growing up and raising children. But with so much learning and thinking I’ve done today I hope I can become whole one day, or least I keep moving towards being whole. My children’s health and wellbeing are the most important things for me.

Another thing about the surge of mental illness is the socioeconomic change. The society is definitely much more complicated today; you’re not successful and attractive just because you have money. People want the whole package. There are rich people everywhere, and that’s not enough. At the same time we want charisma, physical fitness, social intelligence, emotional intelligence, cognitive intelligence, high tech literacy; basically “success” has been redefined in the 21st century and education is definitely much more competitive. Back in the old days ignorance kind of worked as a shield for people—they only knew to work hard, make money, get married, keep their kids alive. There was very little knowledge of identity or of oneself. Also the rule of law back then was not as strong as today’s; people were constantly fighting in wars or engaging in violent behaviors towards others. In most developed countries today those behaviors are no longer acceptable and therefore the outlet for rage gets targeted at oneself; rage becomes internalized.

These are my thoughts. What about yours?

It felt good to read your email at work today. You give me lots of compassion in your writing. My first day back at work was too hectic and stressful!

Gen:
What you went through sounds incredibly heavy, and I truly admire how you carried so much on your own despite everything that was happening around you.

Haha! I did go to bed quite late last night, but I still managed to get a bit of rest, so please do not worry. Reading your message now really puts things in perspective. You have been through so much, and yet you continue to show resilience and dedication as a mother.

I can completely understand why hospitals bring such complicated feelings for you. They are places where we hope to find comfort and healing, but for you, they have also been tied to moments of deep loneliness and emotional pain. To go through pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum recovery without support must have been incredibly difficult. Falling while heavily pregnant and still making your way to the hospital alone shows just how strong you are, even in moments of fear and uncertainty, and my heart aches to hear you had to experience that alone.

I can imagine how painful it must have been to see your newborn being taken into the NICU, especially when you could only visit for short periods of time. The helplessness that comes with seeing your baby surrounded by machines and medical staff, not being able to hold them freely, is something no parent should ever have to go through alone. And during the height of COVID, when everything was already so isolating, that must have felt even more unbearable. COVID was the time I witnessed the most deaths during my calls.

It takes immense courage to endure postpartum depression without medication, especially when the world around you offers little emotional support. I understand that decision, it is personal and not easy. But what matters most is that you made it through. You faced it head-on, one day at a time, even when it felt overwhelming.

I am relieved to hear that your younger child’s heart condition healed on its own. I can only imagine how much anxiety and sleeplessness you went through during that year, constantly researching, worrying, and doing everything possible to protect him. And then to have your older child diagnosed with autism right after, more hospital visits, more emotional strain, and once again, facing it all alone, it is truly remarkable that you managed to hold everything together.

Understandably, you feel a mix of emotions toward hospitals. They represent both healing and hurt for you. They are places that saved your children but also reminded you of how much you had to face without support.

What you have endured would have broken many people, but you are still standing, still showing up for your children.

I hope your child’s current exams go smoothly and that everything turns out well. You deserve moments of peace and reassurance after all that you have gone through. Please remember to take care of yourself too, even in small ways, because you have given so much of yourself to others.

You are an incredible person and a devoted mother, even if it may not always feel that way to you. I truly mean that.

Me:
I’m glad you enjoyed my humor. I hope I wasn’t too mean for you. 😉

So I just watched A Silent Voice in my bath (which meant that I took a two-hour bath and all my fingers had wrinkled). This movie is very deep too, especially that it’s focused on teenagers. Teenagers are extremely complicated creatures and this movie has handled their traumas, shame, guilt, dysfunctional families, depression superbly while ending the movie with a positive outlook. It gives me a lot of things to think about, but I’ve only cried once throughout the movie.😅

My teenage years were complicated and while most people have amnesia from age 0 to 6, I have amnesia from age 10 to 18, until recently my trauma therapy has dug them all out. Why did you like this movie? I believe there must be something that resonated with you. Is it the depression, bullying, or the soul resonance from someone whose heart is so pure but also full of trauma? I want to hear your side of the story.

Were you in Japan when COVID hit? I’m sorry that you had to witness so many deaths being in the field of medicine. I had a pretty sheltered life in the City of Rain, although the quarantine and no travel drove me nuts. The blessing was that I had a COVID baby (I was pregnant and gave birth entirely during COVID) and that kept me busy, but also paranoid. How did I raise an infant constantly fearing that he could catch COVID while there was no vaccine at all and we had so many hospital visits? I had no idea how I survived that. Were you away from your kids during COVID?

I don’t know if I’m strong; I’m definitely very tired. I’m also tired of having to be strong all the time. I wished I had a milk tea today.

Gen:
I couldn't work last night, there was a power surge when lightning hit, 3 of my PCs were fried, all my work files, songs I am working on or worked on, all there. I do have backups on One Drive, Google Drive and Dropbox with the training team and band. But not sure if its updated or not. Dang it.

You weren’t mean at all, I actually like your sense of humor. It’s sharp, honest, and has a touch of warmth that makes it feel real, not harsh.

You watched A Silent Voice in the bath? That sounds like a introspective way to watch it, two hours surrounded by warmth while diving into such a story. It deeply it captures the struggles of being a teenager. The film handles shame, guilt, forgiveness, and the yearning to be understood with such quiet intensity. It definitely stirred something inside.

What resonated with me most was the theme of redemption, that even someone who has done terrible things can choose to change, to face what they’ve done and seek forgiveness, not just from others but from themselves. I could relate to that struggle between guilt and healing, between wanting to disappear and still yearning for connection. Maybe that’s why the film stays with me.

Your experience sounds incredibly difficult, having amnesia from those teenage years must have been both confusing and painful, especially when the memories began to surface again through therapy. It takes a lot of courage to confront the past instead of running from it. I’m really glad you’ve been doing the work to heal, even though it must be exhausting at times.

I was stuck in Japan when COVID hit, I was finalising a project before heading home for the Lunar New Year. It was surreal, hospitals were overflowing, and every call I took as a medical interpreter carried a different kind of fear. The hardest part wasn’t just the deaths, it was seeing people die alone because of isolation rules. That part never leaves you.

You’re right, being apart from family during that time was rough. My work kept me in Japan longer than expected, and the uncertainty of when I could travel again made it worse. I made sure I video call them everyday, make sure they are OK, and let them know I'm OK. You were incredibly strong to go through pregnancy and childbirth during that period, and with so many hospital visits on top of it. I can only imagine the fear that came with every outing, especially when the world felt so unsafe. Yet you made it through, and your child is here, that’s a powerful testament to your strength, even if you’re tired of being strong.

I understand that kind of fatigue. Sometimes strength becomes a mask we wear so often that we forget how heavy it’s gotten. You don’t have to be strong every moment. It’s okay to admit you’re tired.

I wish I could hand you milk tea right now, the perfect kind, with the right balance of tea and sweetness. Maybe consider treating yourself to one tomorrow, just because you deserve a small comfort.

Me:

Aww that sounds awful! 3 PCs fried?!?! That feels so stressful!! I have never experienced anything like that in the City of Rain. But since you couldn’t work last night, maybe you had no choice but to go to bed early, which is a blessing in disguise? With 3 different cloud backups I’m sure your loss is minimized.

The craziest thing was that I lived without power for a whole month when I first moved to the US because of a hurricane…lol infrastructure in the US is….$@);!,&

Thank you for sharing your reflections of A Silent Voice with me. I feel sad that that kind of redemption is something you relate to the most because it would mean there must be an insurmountable shame and guilt behind it. I have lived with shame and guilt from time to time but never to a point where gaining forgiveness is difficult. There were people I’ve hurt but would never see in again. Maybe in the end we ourselves are the threshold for forgiveness…? If we never forgive ourselves and keep waiting for others to forgive us, how can we ever move on with our lives?

You’re so sweet for handing me a virtual perfect milk tea. I’d be interested in knowing what kind of milk tea is perfect for you. My standards for milk tea are so low that I honestly don’t know what kind of milk tea is perfect. 😅

Do you know the feeling of being absolutely lethargic and tired when you have one day of nothing to do? That was how I felt yesterday (although I was still busy running errands with my child’s hospital visit I really almost fell asleep while driving); it’s like your nervous system is honest with you about how tired it is when you have some time not having to run around to chase things. I am tired today as well but because I have to work occasional rushes of adrenaline would kick away the feeling of tiredness. And no, I didn’t get a milk tea today. 😔

You’ve given me something to look forward too—I wanna find that perfect milk tea.☺️

Gen:
I guess my definition of the perfect cup of milk tea would feel like a warm hug in liquid form...smooth, rich, and comforting, with just the right balance of tea’s gentle bitterness and milk’s soft sweetness. It’s the kind of sip that slows down time for a moment and makes everything feel quietly right, also...depending who is offering haha

I can’t imagine living without power for an entire month, That must’ve been incredibly tough, especially right after moving to a new country. Hurricanes really do show how fragile infrastructure can be. I think I would’ve gone half crazy trying to work or even stay sane in that kind of situation.

Yeah, 3 PCs fried in one night felt like the universe was testing my patience. I had to laugh about it afterward because being angry wouldn’t fix anything. You’re right though, since I couldn’t work, I ended up ( not sleeping) but listening to music, keeping calm and trying to figure out how to fix them...I bought parts online to try getting them running again. Thankfully, most of my files were backed up in the cloud, so the damage was manageable ( I hope so...), just an expensive lesson if it didn't.

As for A Silent Voice, I agree, maybe we are the threshold for forgiveness. Sometimes, it’s easier to carry guilt than to let it go because guilt keeps us connected to what or who we’ve lost. But in the end, learning to forgive ourselves is the only way to truly start over. I think redemption isn’t about being forgiven, it’s about choosing to live differently after what we’ve done.

I know I shared my definition of the perfect milk tea, so just sharing again because I feel like being long winded haha..to me, it’s more than flavor. It’s a moment. The kind of cup you drink slowly, when the world feels a little too loud, and that first sip brings calm back into your chest. Smooth, slightly malty, just sweet enough to feel like comfort, not indulgence. That’s my version of perfect too.

I know exactly what you mean about that kind of tiredness. It’s like when your body finally realizes it can rest, it suddenly tells you just how much exhaustion it’s been holding in. It’s good that your adrenaline kicks in when you need it, but I hope you can get real rest soon, not just physical, but mental too. And maybe treat yourself to a milk tea when you can. You deserve that small joy.

I’m glad I gave you something to look forward to. Here’s to your search for that perfect milk tea, may it be warm, soothing, (or icy cold) and exactly what your heart needs when you find it.

Me:
Now I don’t know if I’m craving for that milk tea, for the hug or for the person!

Gen:
haha why must it be one or the other? It's all in one! 🤣

Me:
All in one just sounds too good to be true!

Gen:
No it doesn't 😆

Me: Ok then you must be very lucky to get all in one. Next time when I go to 7-11 to get my milk tea I’ll ask the cashier to give me a hug and say sweet things I wanna hear to me without extra charge.🤣

Gen:
Oh well the cashier is one lucky duck ay?

Me:
I’d take that as flattery.😉

Gen:
What else could it be? Calling the cashier a lucky duck for giving you a hug 😆

Me:
Hard to say. I could be a gorilla.🤣

Gen:
Hahaha right, and Im a chihuahua

Me:
HAHAHAHAHA of so many little animals you can choose from, you’re choosing chihuahua. 🤣

Gen:
And you picked a gorilla? Hahaha. What's wrong with choosing a chihuahua..cute and annoying

Me:
I thought you’d pick something more Japanese like a Chiba or a capybara.

Hahahaha my choice of a gorilla is completely random I just realized.🤣

Gen:
So did I, but chihuahuas are kawaiii neh 😆 hahaha

Me:
Hahaha I’m literally laughing imagining you saying kawaii neh~~~🤣

Gen:
Oh yea, with that typical Japanese anime voice, wink and peace sign..toward the sky

Me:
Ok so it’s finally my bath time and I’m writing this to you in my bathtub. Imagine this—a gorilla lying in a Mediterranean lily bubble bath with 3 scented candles on the side typing this email on her phone…🤣

So I see that you’re the kind of person who cannot sleep on something, especially if it’s a crisis. If I were in your situation I’d definitely sleep on it because ordering the parts to fix my PCs can wait for another 8 hours; those parts will still be sold in the morning. But I also understand the feeling of having uncertainty in your head can prevent you from truly falling asleep. So did you sleep at all in the end???

I feel bad that you went through such a random crisis in the middle of the night. I can totally imagine your laughter afterwards with so much しょうがない in it. (Did I say that right? A Japanese friend taught me that a long time ago.) I find it interesting that you thought it was the universe’s test of your patience and that you wanted to be angry with it but decided not to. I think it’s ok to be angry in this case, or your anger will have nowhere to go to and it’ll be buried somewhere in your body, for, ever—no amount of perfect milk tea will be able to get it out of your body.

I loooooooove your version of the perfect milk tea. I love it so much because it’s way more than just a gustatory sense for me. It’s visual, tactile, olfactory and even auditory for me. I think I’m really going to 7-11 tomorrow to buy one, just the milk tea, not the other stuff tho.😅 upon reading your perfect milk tea several times, I’m actually not sure if you’re still talking about milk tea.🤣🤣🤣 but whatever it is I want that.

You just made me laugh again with your Japanese anime voice and a peace sign.🤣🤣🤣

Gen:
Hahaha your description of a gorilla soaking in a Mediterranean lily bubble bath surrounded by scented candles just made me laugh out loud. I can totally picture that. Now, every time I think of you taking a bath, that image will pop into my head, and I’ll never be able to unsee it. Maybe I'll try to imagine something else??🤣

You’re right, I’m definitely the kind who can’t sleep when something’s unresolved, especially when it comes to work or technical issues. I did eventually get a bit of sleep, but only after I convinced myself that the world wouldn’t end before morning. You’re absolutely right, though, those parts would still be there eight hours later. I guess I just needed to make peace with the chaos before I could rest. Let the chaos flow, man.

And yes haha, you said it perfectly, しょうがない fits exactly, that kind of resigned laugh you give when life throws nonsense at you, and all you can do is say, “It is what it is.” I think I’m getting better at that lately. You’re also right about anger; it doesn’t just disappear, it hides somewhere in the body until it finds a way to remind you it’s still there. Maybe that’s why I rely on music, workouts, and yes, milk tea, to let it all flow out before it builds up.I don't really bottle up, I try to neutralise it. Calming myself. Whooooosaaaaaa.

Speaking of milk tea,  my “perfect milk tea” got you thinking, huh? Maybe it wasn’t just about milk tea?. 😉 But I like how you felt it with all your senses, that’s exactly what I was hoping for. Go grab one from 7-11 tomorrow, and when you take that first sip, think of it as a small ritual to slow down, breathe, and just enjoy the moment.

And that anime voice with the peace sign, I’m glad it made you laugh, maybe next time I’ll throw in an anime theme background soundtrack too hahaha

Me:
Look what I’m having at work right now:
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Iced honey milk tea—no sugar at all, just honey, from McDonald’s.😅 And no, I didn’t hug the Ubereats guy.🤣

Gen:
Hahaha I hope you didn't, wasn't his idea was it hahaha. Unlucky duck. How does it taste? I mean you wouldn't need sugar when you already have honey..that would just give you diabetes LOL 😆 😜 or maybe you didnt need anything else because you're sweet enough as it is.

Me:
Haha Gen, you’re very sweet and very good at catching redundancies. The honey congregated at the bottom so it got saccharine at the end. It tastes good, but it’s not the whole package. I had a talk therapy in the morning and something made me wanna cry. That was how I ended up getting the milk tea. 🙂

Gen:
and how did you feel after the first sip? Eeew yuck? Or hmmmmm oh yea....

Me:
My first sip was very sweet, and because it was iced, it felt soothing in this 36-degree weather.

Gen:
So...first sip..oh my and shivers soooo sweeeet..then next sip..mmm that's better..ish. 3rd sip..ooooh mama

Me: What are you talking about?!?! 🤣🤣🤣

Gen: I dont know, just playing along haha

Me: You know you sound lyrical even when you’re just saying random things!

Thank you for making me laugh!

Gen: well I kept looking back at your video and Im sure you have a mega watt smile that should keep on shining. I tried to fix my laptop and PC. Didn't work..so..I have to crack my head what else I missed. Hows your day been? Let the chaos flow man ( with the anime style kawaii neh, peace sign pointing towards the sky with a wink, this time with one leg up. Oh yea.)

Me:
Aww thank you. That feels really sweet. Well that picture was from over a decade ago. Maybe I really am a gorilla now or maybe I don’t have teeth.😉

I’m sorry you haven’t fixed your PCs. It feels like what I went through everytime when I got a new phone. Sometimes the files simply weren’t synced on cloud and I wasn’t aware of that. It would take me months to realize that some photos and videos were gone. Sometimes my kid deletes my photos and videos on cloud and I wouldn’t find out until it’s too late. But then, I’ve grown to tell myself that not everything needs to be recorded in videos or photos; in the old days people would just keep those in their memory, in their brain, until they die.

Maybe my experience is completely irrelevant to what you’re going through right now. 😅

Speaking of mega watt smiles, when that photo was taken in the video, I was really working in the mega watt business; I was financing solar power plants when I was young.

My day was so hectic and chaotic. Thank you for asking. My talk therapy in the morning did make me feel better. I was rushing from one thing to another the whole day, and now I’m finally back in my comfy bed. I overslept this morning and I had to rush to work, so since I woke up in the morning everything had been in a rush until now. To avoid the stress of having to rush, I (am trying to) promise myself to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier from now on.😭

How was your day then, besides the frustration with your PCs, imagining my smile and virtually sharing that saccharine, shivering milk tea (or milk tea tangential) with me?

Gen:

That was such a lovely message to read. You’re really good at making me smile, even when describing something as chaotic as your day. I can almost picture you rushing from one thing to another, and then finally sinking into bed with that big sigh of relief, mission accomplished for the day. I’m really glad your talk therapy helped a bit, it’s good that you’re giving yourself space to decompress. And yes, that promise to sleep earlier sounds like a great idea, though I know how easily late nights can sneak up on us. 😅

You’re right, sometimes not everything needs to be recorded. There’s something precious about keeping memories just in your mind, where they stay raw and real. I think that’s part of what makes nostalgia so powerful, the imperfections of memory make it more beautiful. Still, I can imagine how frustrating it must’ve been when your kid deleted those moments. 😭

And wait, you used to finance solar power plants? That’s amazing! You really were in the megawatt business, literally and figuratively. No wonder that smile could power a small city. 😄 It must’ve been such an interesting experience, I’d love to hear more about that sometime. Not sure about the gorilla part, because your hands weren't hairy or muscular LOL.

As for my day, it was mostly about trying to sort out the PCs. I’m still waiting for one to fully boot without drama. But your message just brightened the whole situation. I’ll happily take that virtual milk tea moment, even if it’s only “tangentially” milk tea, and your smile to go with it.

I hope you’re already to a peaceful and relaxing way home? Getting ready for that bath, and maybe replying to this letter while in the tub ( hang on, need to tie my imagination before it goes wild..gorilla in a tub, no way) recharging from the chaos of today. You’ve earned it.

Me:

I feel happy to know that my words can make you smile; I honestly wasn’t trying so I’m not exactly sure which part made you smile. 

I am now finally sitting in my bubble bath—I’ve got rose and tangerine essence oil in the bath, with three candles—lemongrass, cedar wood and rose tea. I love the smell of roses. Most of the time I’d have fresh roses in my bedroom and some of my body products are all rose-based. If I see roses sold anywhere, I often cannot resist buying them. My favorite color for roses is light pink to dusty pink.

So, I take it that you’ve never seen a gorilla with slender manicured hands; you need to visit Taipei Zoo some time. 

Hahahahaha🤣

I was gonna hop in my bath an hour ago, but I still got delayed by Halloween decorations. I was hoping to pass Halloween this year because so many things have happened to me in the past six months and I wanted to just take it easy and not do much. But then I see my kids getting so excited shopping for candies, costumes and getting me dressed up. I can’t let one Halloween slip from their childhood, so I ended up spending a couple of hours looking for our Halloween decorations from our storage room.

This is what I worked on: [video]

FYI, my younger son has requested me to be Rumi this year, and he’s gonna be a saja boy so we’re gonna match well together. Imagine this—a gorilla in Rumi’s costume for Golden with purple long braided hair. How sexy.

I’m also happy to know that virtual milk tea with my smile matters so much to you. If you really need to see my smile that badly I guess I can send you a photo some time. Many people have told me I’ve got a beautiful smile (not that I’m bragging again😅)—on the bus, at the airport, at work, with my clients, etc. But the thing is, my smile is much more infectious in person than in a photo. 🙂

I find it interesting that you can just neutralize anger. I’d have to cry and maybe scream to a pillow to let it out. Btw, the gorilla doesn’t hit the gym, nor work out in any way. 😅

Your letter made me smile again and again.

Sunday, October 12, 2025

120km


So I left home around noon and got back to my neighborhood at 6pm for dinner. I drove about 120km in total today by myself. It’s a new route I’d never driven before and the view was absolutely stunning. Besides having my car parked for lunch, I was driving for most of the time and occasionally I’d park my car whenever I saw space with a great view and I’d take some photos.

This mountain road wasn’t an easy one, compared to the others I’ve driven. My Sienna is always too big for the City of Rain and on this particular mountain road, there’s a gutter on one side and the cliff on the other side with a lot of 180-degree turns. I had to be extra cautious with speed.

Today I left home with just a few things—my selfie stick/tripod, my phone and my black Speedy Bandouliere 20. I forgot to wear my Ultra 2 today and I didn’t notice that until I was already 10km away from home. I was anxious for a while, wishing I had my watch with me, but then I kept telling myself I didn’t need it and I’d be safe so eventually I let it go. Ever since my therapist asked me to find objects that make me feel safe, I’ve become somewhat dependent on my armors—my Sienna Limited, my Speedy Bandouliere 20s, my Divas’ Dreams and b.zero1, my Ultra 2, my 16 pro max are all my protection. I have no one to protect me so I can only rely on these things to be my armor. 

A while ago I also bought myself a weighted blanket and that becomes my protection at night. 

When I was stopping to take photos, I thought of how Ivan taught me photography when we were together. I saw images of him always carrying his SLR whenever we traveled and his face when he was taking photos. I also recalled the expensive accessories he got for his camera. Then I recalled how I used to travel alone and bring my G7 and a tripod with me to take photos. I stopped doing that after iPhone camera became too powerful. Today I got my tripod and my phone, and I wanted to take some nice photos, like I did in Sapporo over the summer.



My Sienna was parked along the cliff.