I asked Gen to recommend another movie that kind of made him cry and he told me about A Silent Voice, another Japanese anime, and I watched it last night.
On Tuesday I had a day off from work because I had to take Little N to the hospital. It’s now his turn to get a joint evaluation for his special needs and schooling arrangement. I can’t imagine how busy I’m going to be for the next 8 months.
Here’s my correspondence with Gen for the past few days. I’m beginning to wonder if I am fated to be kept in a liminal space with everyone. No matter how special they think I am, how strong the emotional intimacy or would resonance, people’s fear always wins and my love and presence always lose.
Me: Hi Gen, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me. I’m terrified of physical exams actually, so scared that I often procrastinate.😭 A couple of years ago they found a lump in my breast and I had a microscopic surgery to remove it. It turned out to be pre-pre-cancerous so I’ve been getting annual check ups for that and each time it still gives me so much anxiety. My next general exam is coming up in December. I like the post-exam meal and the view at my hospital though.😅 How did it go for you? I started writing this email during my lunch break but I was completely swamped at work so couldn’t finish it. Now I have just finished work and got home.
I did not sleep well last night because my Monday blues gave me a nightmare about work. Even though my job is very easy I still have nightmares about it from time to time, mostly due to my own expectations of myself. (I’m quite a perfectionist when it comes to work.)
I’m terrified of Alzheimer’s as well. I don’t think it’s genetic in my family but I’ve witnessed my grandparents deteriorate in their memory and functions before they died. Sometimes when I’m so busy with work and parenting I forget things too and I’d freak out and wonder if I’m getting Alzheimer’s. My brainpower is very central to my identity and without it I don’t know who I’ll be. I also wonder if I can’t remember things, who would still be in my memory. I hope I’d remember my kids no matter what.
As for mental health, that’s something I focus on a lot for my children. I’d rather that they can be who they are and mentally healthy than try to fit them into some system that doesn’t make them happy. Mental illness is universal especially among teenagers, not just in the US. In Taiwan 1/6 of the population has mental illness and I think the number should be even higher because so many people are undiagnosed. I see crazy people on the streets all the time. In my community I’ve seen multiple people die by suicide over the past decade, including minors and expats.
I’m not sure if there’s a surge but in the world today people are definitely more open to diagnosis and talking about it. I’ve been living with chronic depression and gone through a few nervous breakdowns in my life so I am very aware of the vicious cycle—if the caretakers themselves don’t have the emotional resources to support their children then depression just keeps getting passed down. That’s why I work so hard to heal myself because I am committed to breaking the cycle in my family. My parents do not understand emotional intimacy or mental health and therefore I grew up without compassion, and it’s also because their parents didn’t know that those things either when they were growing up and raising children. But with so much learning and thinking I’ve done today I hope I can become whole one day, or least I keep moving towards being whole. My children’s health and wellbeing are the most important things for me.
Another thing about the surge of mental illness is the socioeconomic change. The society is definitely much more complicated today; you’re not successful and attractive just because you have money. People want the whole package. There are rich people everywhere, and that’s not enough. At the same time we want charisma, physical fitness, social intelligence, emotional intelligence, cognitive intelligence, high tech literacy; basically “success” has been redefined in the 21st century and education is definitely much more competitive. Back in the old days ignorance kind of worked as a shield for people—they only knew to work hard, make money, get married, keep their kids alive. There was very little knowledge of identity or of oneself. Also the rule of law back then was not as strong as today’s; people were constantly fighting in wars or engaging in violent behaviors towards others. In most developed countries today those behaviors are no longer acceptable and therefore the outlet for rage gets targeted at oneself; rage becomes internalized.
These are my thoughts. What about yours?
It felt good to read your email at work today. You give me lots of compassion in your writing. My first day back at work was too hectic and stressful!
Gen:
What you went through sounds incredibly heavy, and I truly admire how you carried so much on your own despite everything that was happening around you.
Haha! I did go to bed quite late last night, but I still managed to get a bit of rest, so please do not worry. Reading your message now really puts things in perspective. You have been through so much, and yet you continue to show resilience and dedication as a mother.
I can completely understand why hospitals bring such complicated feelings for you. They are places where we hope to find comfort and healing, but for you, they have also been tied to moments of deep loneliness and emotional pain. To go through pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum recovery without support must have been incredibly difficult. Falling while heavily pregnant and still making your way to the hospital alone shows just how strong you are, even in moments of fear and uncertainty, and my heart aches to hear you had to experience that alone.
I can imagine how painful it must have been to see your newborn being taken into the NICU, especially when you could only visit for short periods of time. The helplessness that comes with seeing your baby surrounded by machines and medical staff, not being able to hold them freely, is something no parent should ever have to go through alone. And during the height of COVID, when everything was already so isolating, that must have felt even more unbearable. COVID was the time I witnessed the most deaths during my calls.
It takes immense courage to endure postpartum depression without medication, especially when the world around you offers little emotional support. I understand that decision, it is personal and not easy. But what matters most is that you made it through. You faced it head-on, one day at a time, even when it felt overwhelming.
I am relieved to hear that your younger child’s heart condition healed on its own. I can only imagine how much anxiety and sleeplessness you went through during that year, constantly researching, worrying, and doing everything possible to protect him. And then to have your older child diagnosed with autism right after, more hospital visits, more emotional strain, and once again, facing it all alone, it is truly remarkable that you managed to hold everything together.
Understandably, you feel a mix of emotions toward hospitals. They represent both healing and hurt for you. They are places that saved your children but also reminded you of how much you had to face without support.
What you have endured would have broken many people, but you are still standing, still showing up for your children.
I hope your child’s current exams go smoothly and that everything turns out well. You deserve moments of peace and reassurance after all that you have gone through. Please remember to take care of yourself too, even in small ways, because you have given so much of yourself to others.
You are an incredible person and a devoted mother, even if it may not always feel that way to you. I truly mean that.
Me:
I’m glad you enjoyed my humor. I hope I wasn’t too mean for you. 😉
So I just watched A Silent Voice in my bath (which meant that I took a two-hour bath and all my fingers had wrinkled). This movie is very deep too, especially that it’s focused on teenagers. Teenagers are extremely complicated creatures and this movie has handled their traumas, shame, guilt, dysfunctional families, depression superbly while ending the movie with a positive outlook. It gives me a lot of things to think about, but I’ve only cried once throughout the movie.😅
My teenage years were complicated and while most people have amnesia from age 0 to 6, I have amnesia from age 10 to 18, until recently my trauma therapy has dug them all out. Why did you like this movie? I believe there must be something that resonated with you. Is it the depression, bullying, or the soul resonance from someone whose heart is so pure but also full of trauma? I want to hear your side of the story.
Were you in Japan when COVID hit? I’m sorry that you had to witness so many deaths being in the field of medicine. I had a pretty sheltered life in the City of Rain, although the quarantine and no travel drove me nuts. The blessing was that I had a COVID baby (I was pregnant and gave birth entirely during COVID) and that kept me busy, but also paranoid. How did I raise an infant constantly fearing that he could catch COVID while there was no vaccine at all and we had so many hospital visits? I had no idea how I survived that. Were you away from your kids during COVID?
I don’t know if I’m strong; I’m definitely very tired. I’m also tired of having to be strong all the time. I wished I had a milk tea today.
Gen:
I couldn't work last night, there was a power surge when lightning hit, 3 of my PCs were fried, all my work files, songs I am working on or worked on, all there. I do have backups on One Drive, Google Drive and Dropbox with the training team and band. But not sure if its updated or not. Dang it.
You weren’t mean at all, I actually like your sense of humor. It’s sharp, honest, and has a touch of warmth that makes it feel real, not harsh.
You watched A Silent Voice in the bath? That sounds like a introspective way to watch it, two hours surrounded by warmth while diving into such a story. It deeply it captures the struggles of being a teenager. The film handles shame, guilt, forgiveness, and the yearning to be understood with such quiet intensity. It definitely stirred something inside.
What resonated with me most was the theme of redemption, that even someone who has done terrible things can choose to change, to face what they’ve done and seek forgiveness, not just from others but from themselves. I could relate to that struggle between guilt and healing, between wanting to disappear and still yearning for connection. Maybe that’s why the film stays with me.
Your experience sounds incredibly difficult, having amnesia from those teenage years must have been both confusing and painful, especially when the memories began to surface again through therapy. It takes a lot of courage to confront the past instead of running from it. I’m really glad you’ve been doing the work to heal, even though it must be exhausting at times.
I was stuck in Japan when COVID hit, I was finalising a project before heading home for the Lunar New Year. It was surreal, hospitals were overflowing, and every call I took as a medical interpreter carried a different kind of fear. The hardest part wasn’t just the deaths, it was seeing people die alone because of isolation rules. That part never leaves you.
You’re right, being apart from family during that time was rough. My work kept me in Japan longer than expected, and the uncertainty of when I could travel again made it worse. I made sure I video call them everyday, make sure they are OK, and let them know I'm OK. You were incredibly strong to go through pregnancy and childbirth during that period, and with so many hospital visits on top of it. I can only imagine the fear that came with every outing, especially when the world felt so unsafe. Yet you made it through, and your child is here, that’s a powerful testament to your strength, even if you’re tired of being strong.
I understand that kind of fatigue. Sometimes strength becomes a mask we wear so often that we forget how heavy it’s gotten. You don’t have to be strong every moment. It’s okay to admit you’re tired.
I wish I could hand you milk tea right now, the perfect kind, with the right balance of tea and sweetness. Maybe consider treating yourself to one tomorrow, just because you deserve a small comfort.
Me:
Aww that sounds awful! 3 PCs fried?!?! That feels so stressful!! I have never experienced anything like that in the City of Rain. But since you couldn’t work last night, maybe you had no choice but to go to bed early, which is a blessing in disguise? With 3 different cloud backups I’m sure your loss is minimized.
The craziest thing was that I lived without power for a whole month when I first moved to the US because of a hurricane…lol infrastructure in the US is….$@);!,&
Thank you for sharing your reflections of A Silent Voice with me. I feel sad that that kind of redemption is something you relate to the most because it would mean there must be an insurmountable shame and guilt behind it. I have lived with shame and guilt from time to time but never to a point where gaining forgiveness is difficult. There were people I’ve hurt but would never see in again. Maybe in the end we ourselves are the threshold for forgiveness…? If we never forgive ourselves and keep waiting for others to forgive us, how can we ever move on with our lives?
You’re so sweet for handing me a virtual perfect milk tea. I’d be interested in knowing what kind of milk tea is perfect for you. My standards for milk tea are so low that I honestly don’t know what kind of milk tea is perfect. 😅
Do you know the feeling of being absolutely lethargic and tired when you have one day of nothing to do? That was how I felt yesterday (although I was still busy running errands with my child’s hospital visit I really almost fell asleep while driving); it’s like your nervous system is honest with you about how tired it is when you have some time not having to run around to chase things. I am tired today as well but because I have to work occasional rushes of adrenaline would kick away the feeling of tiredness. And no, I didn’t get a milk tea today. 😔
You’ve given me something to look forward too—I wanna find that perfect milk tea.☺️
Gen:
I guess my definition of the perfect cup of milk tea would feel like a warm hug in liquid form...smooth, rich, and comforting, with just the right balance of tea’s gentle bitterness and milk’s soft sweetness. It’s the kind of sip that slows down time for a moment and makes everything feel quietly right, also...depending who is offering haha
I can’t imagine living without power for an entire month, That must’ve been incredibly tough, especially right after moving to a new country. Hurricanes really do show how fragile infrastructure can be. I think I would’ve gone half crazy trying to work or even stay sane in that kind of situation.
Yeah, 3 PCs fried in one night felt like the universe was testing my patience. I had to laugh about it afterward because being angry wouldn’t fix anything. You’re right though, since I couldn’t work, I ended up ( not sleeping) but listening to music, keeping calm and trying to figure out how to fix them...I bought parts online to try getting them running again. Thankfully, most of my files were backed up in the cloud, so the damage was manageable ( I hope so...), just an expensive lesson if it didn't.
As for A Silent Voice, I agree, maybe we are the threshold for forgiveness. Sometimes, it’s easier to carry guilt than to let it go because guilt keeps us connected to what or who we’ve lost. But in the end, learning to forgive ourselves is the only way to truly start over. I think redemption isn’t about being forgiven, it’s about choosing to live differently after what we’ve done.
I know I shared my definition of the perfect milk tea, so just sharing again because I feel like being long winded haha..to me, it’s more than flavor. It’s a moment. The kind of cup you drink slowly, when the world feels a little too loud, and that first sip brings calm back into your chest. Smooth, slightly malty, just sweet enough to feel like comfort, not indulgence. That’s my version of perfect too.
I know exactly what you mean about that kind of tiredness. It’s like when your body finally realizes it can rest, it suddenly tells you just how much exhaustion it’s been holding in. It’s good that your adrenaline kicks in when you need it, but I hope you can get real rest soon, not just physical, but mental too. And maybe treat yourself to a milk tea when you can. You deserve that small joy.
I’m glad I gave you something to look forward to. Here’s to your search for that perfect milk tea, may it be warm, soothing, (or icy cold) and exactly what your heart needs when you find it.
Me:
Now I don’t know if I’m craving for that milk tea, for the hug or for the person!
Gen:
haha why must it be one or the other? It's all in one! 🤣
Me:
All in one just sounds too good to be true!
Gen:
No it doesn't 😆
Me: Ok then you must be very lucky to get all in one. Next time when I go to 7-11 to get my milk tea I’ll ask the cashier to give me a hug and say sweet things I wanna hear to me without extra charge.🤣
Gen:
Oh well the cashier is one lucky duck ay?
Me:
I’d take that as flattery.😉
Gen:
What else could it be? Calling the cashier a lucky duck for giving you a hug 😆
Me:
Hard to say. I could be a gorilla.🤣
Gen:
Hahaha right, and Im a chihuahua
Me:
HAHAHAHAHA of so many little animals you can choose from, you’re choosing chihuahua. 🤣
Gen:
And you picked a gorilla? Hahaha. What's wrong with choosing a chihuahua..cute and annoying
Me:
I thought you’d pick something more Japanese like a Chiba or a capybara.
Hahahaha my choice of a gorilla is completely random I just realized.🤣
Gen:
So did I, but chihuahuas are kawaiii neh 😆 hahaha
Me:
Hahaha I’m literally laughing imagining you saying kawaii neh~~~🤣
Gen:
Oh yea, with that typical Japanese anime voice, wink and peace sign..toward the sky
Me:
Ok so it’s finally my bath time and I’m writing this to you in my bathtub. Imagine this—a gorilla lying in a Mediterranean lily bubble bath with 3 scented candles on the side typing this email on her phone…🤣
So I see that you’re the kind of person who cannot sleep on something, especially if it’s a crisis. If I were in your situation I’d definitely sleep on it because ordering the parts to fix my PCs can wait for another 8 hours; those parts will still be sold in the morning. But I also understand the feeling of having uncertainty in your head can prevent you from truly falling asleep. So did you sleep at all in the end???
I feel bad that you went through such a random crisis in the middle of the night. I can totally imagine your laughter afterwards with so much しょうがない in it. (Did I say that right? A Japanese friend taught me that a long time ago.) I find it interesting that you thought it was the universe’s test of your patience and that you wanted to be angry with it but decided not to. I think it’s ok to be angry in this case, or your anger will have nowhere to go to and it’ll be buried somewhere in your body, for, ever—no amount of perfect milk tea will be able to get it out of your body.
I loooooooove your version of the perfect milk tea. I love it so much because it’s way more than just a gustatory sense for me. It’s visual, tactile, olfactory and even auditory for me. I think I’m really going to 7-11 tomorrow to buy one, just the milk tea, not the other stuff tho.😅 upon reading your perfect milk tea several times, I’m actually not sure if you’re still talking about milk tea.🤣🤣🤣 but whatever it is I want that.
You just made me laugh again with your Japanese anime voice and a peace sign.🤣🤣🤣
Gen:
Hahaha your description of a gorilla soaking in a Mediterranean lily bubble bath surrounded by scented candles just made me laugh out loud. I can totally picture that. Now, every time I think of you taking a bath, that image will pop into my head, and I’ll never be able to unsee it. Maybe I'll try to imagine something else??🤣
You’re right, I’m definitely the kind who can’t sleep when something’s unresolved, especially when it comes to work or technical issues. I did eventually get a bit of sleep, but only after I convinced myself that the world wouldn’t end before morning. You’re absolutely right, though, those parts would still be there eight hours later. I guess I just needed to make peace with the chaos before I could rest. Let the chaos flow, man.
And yes haha, you said it perfectly, しょうがない fits exactly, that kind of resigned laugh you give when life throws nonsense at you, and all you can do is say, “It is what it is.” I think I’m getting better at that lately. You’re also right about anger; it doesn’t just disappear, it hides somewhere in the body until it finds a way to remind you it’s still there. Maybe that’s why I rely on music, workouts, and yes, milk tea, to let it all flow out before it builds up.I don't really bottle up, I try to neutralise it. Calming myself. Whooooosaaaaaa.
Speaking of milk tea, my “perfect milk tea” got you thinking, huh? Maybe it wasn’t just about milk tea?. 😉 But I like how you felt it with all your senses, that’s exactly what I was hoping for. Go grab one from 7-11 tomorrow, and when you take that first sip, think of it as a small ritual to slow down, breathe, and just enjoy the moment.
And that anime voice with the peace sign, I’m glad it made you laugh, maybe next time I’ll throw in an anime theme background soundtrack too hahaha
Me:
Look what I’m having at work right now:
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Iced honey milk tea—no sugar at all, just honey, from McDonald’s.😅 And no, I didn’t hug the Ubereats guy.🤣
Gen:
Hahaha I hope you didn't, wasn't his idea was it hahaha. Unlucky duck. How does it taste? I mean you wouldn't need sugar when you already have honey..that would just give you diabetes LOL 😆 😜 or maybe you didnt need anything else because you're sweet enough as it is.
Me:
Haha Gen, you’re very sweet and very good at catching redundancies. The honey congregated at the bottom so it got saccharine at the end. It tastes good, but it’s not the whole package. I had a talk therapy in the morning and something made me wanna cry. That was how I ended up getting the milk tea. 🙂
Gen:
and how did you feel after the first sip? Eeew yuck? Or hmmmmm oh yea....
Me:
My first sip was very sweet, and because it was iced, it felt soothing in this 36-degree weather.
Gen:
So...first sip..oh my and shivers soooo sweeeet..then next sip..mmm that's better..ish. 3rd sip..ooooh mama
Me: What are you talking about?!?! 🤣🤣🤣
Gen: I dont know, just playing along haha
Me: You know you sound lyrical even when you’re just saying random things!
Thank you for making me laugh!
Gen: well I kept looking back at your video and Im sure you have a mega watt smile that should keep on shining. I tried to fix my laptop and PC. Didn't work..so..I have to crack my head what else I missed. Hows your day been? Let the chaos flow man ( with the anime style kawaii neh, peace sign pointing towards the sky with a wink, this time with one leg up. Oh yea.)
Me:
Aww thank you. That feels really sweet. Well that picture was from over a decade ago. Maybe I really am a gorilla now or maybe I don’t have teeth.😉
I’m sorry you haven’t fixed your PCs. It feels like what I went through everytime when I got a new phone. Sometimes the files simply weren’t synced on cloud and I wasn’t aware of that. It would take me months to realize that some photos and videos were gone. Sometimes my kid deletes my photos and videos on cloud and I wouldn’t find out until it’s too late. But then, I’ve grown to tell myself that not everything needs to be recorded in videos or photos; in the old days people would just keep those in their memory, in their brain, until they die.
Maybe my experience is completely irrelevant to what you’re going through right now. 😅
Speaking of mega watt smiles, when that photo was taken in the video, I was really working in the mega watt business; I was financing solar power plants when I was young.
My day was so hectic and chaotic. Thank you for asking. My talk therapy in the morning did make me feel better. I was rushing from one thing to another the whole day, and now I’m finally back in my comfy bed. I overslept this morning and I had to rush to work, so since I woke up in the morning everything had been in a rush until now. To avoid the stress of having to rush, I (am trying to) promise myself to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier from now on.😭
How was your day then, besides the frustration with your PCs, imagining my smile and virtually sharing that saccharine, shivering milk tea (or milk tea tangential) with me?
Gen:
That was such a lovely message to read. You’re really good at making me smile, even when describing something as chaotic as your day. I can almost picture you rushing from one thing to another, and then finally sinking into bed with that big sigh of relief, mission accomplished for the day. I’m really glad your talk therapy helped a bit, it’s good that you’re giving yourself space to decompress. And yes, that promise to sleep earlier sounds like a great idea, though I know how easily late nights can sneak up on us. 😅
You’re right, sometimes not everything needs to be recorded. There’s something precious about keeping memories just in your mind, where they stay raw and real. I think that’s part of what makes nostalgia so powerful, the imperfections of memory make it more beautiful. Still, I can imagine how frustrating it must’ve been when your kid deleted those moments. 😭
And wait, you used to finance solar power plants? That’s amazing! You really were in the megawatt business, literally and figuratively. No wonder that smile could power a small city. 😄 It must’ve been such an interesting experience, I’d love to hear more about that sometime. Not sure about the gorilla part, because your hands weren't hairy or muscular LOL.
As for my day, it was mostly about trying to sort out the PCs. I’m still waiting for one to fully boot without drama. But your message just brightened the whole situation. I’ll happily take that virtual milk tea moment, even if it’s only “tangentially” milk tea, and your smile to go with it.
I hope you’re already to a peaceful and relaxing way home? Getting ready for that bath, and maybe replying to this letter while in the tub ( hang on, need to tie my imagination before it goes wild..gorilla in a tub, no way) recharging from the chaos of today. You’ve earned it.
Me:
I feel happy to know that my words can make you smile; I honestly wasn’t trying so I’m not exactly sure which part made you smile.
I am now finally sitting in my bubble bath—I’ve got rose and tangerine essence oil in the bath, with three candles—lemongrass, cedar wood and rose tea. I love the smell of roses. Most of the time I’d have fresh roses in my bedroom and some of my body products are all rose-based. If I see roses sold anywhere, I often cannot resist buying them. My favorite color for roses is light pink to dusty pink.
So, I take it that you’ve never seen a gorilla with slender manicured hands; you need to visit Taipei Zoo some time.
Hahahahaha🤣
I was gonna hop in my bath an hour ago, but I still got delayed by Halloween decorations. I was hoping to pass Halloween this year because so many things have happened to me in the past six months and I wanted to just take it easy and not do much. But then I see my kids getting so excited shopping for candies, costumes and getting me dressed up. I can’t let one Halloween slip from their childhood, so I ended up spending a couple of hours looking for our Halloween decorations from our storage room.
This is what I worked on: [video]
FYI, my younger son has requested me to be Rumi this year, and he’s gonna be a saja boy so we’re gonna match well together. Imagine this—a gorilla in Rumi’s costume for Golden with purple long braided hair. How sexy.
I’m also happy to know that virtual milk tea with my smile matters so much to you. If you really need to see my smile that badly I guess I can send you a photo some time. Many people have told me I’ve got a beautiful smile (not that I’m bragging again😅)—on the bus, at the airport, at work, with my clients, etc. But the thing is, my smile is much more infectious in person than in a photo. 🙂
I find it interesting that you can just neutralize anger. I’d have to cry and maybe scream to a pillow to let it out. Btw, the gorilla doesn’t hit the gym, nor work out in any way. 😅
Your letter made me smile again and again.
