The Writing Space

Recently I joined a club hosted by a coworker for writing because Jinu told me about it and I found it interesting. Every Thursday we just get together to write and this English teacher would give us prompts for us to work on. Today was my first time going there. 

So here’s the prompt:

Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet:

“I want to beg you, as much as I can, dear sir, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

And then we were asked to provide some random questions from or not from the prompt and then they collected the questions. We then each drew a question from the box and we could decide whether to use it or not for our writing. Then we had 20 minutes to write.

So here the question I got: who do I want my children to be?

I decided to go with the question and here’s my writing:

I don’t know. I guess the question I need to first answer is “who do I want my inner child to be?”

Everyone has an inner child living inside of them. Some inner children are louder so that we are aware of them, while some are quieter, hiding in the corner so that we have forgotten about them, or if we acknowledge their presence our current reality could be destabilized. Maybe they are too scared to make a noise, because at one point in our life, we were penalized for being too loud; maybe they are genuinely curious about the world so that they prefer to be quietly observing their surroundings before they decide to speak up.

That inner child is powerful. Despite being fragile, they connect to this world instinctively, without much education or verbalization. They know very well how they feel and they have no fear in expressing them, until the world starts to tame them. Sometimes that child was tamed too early so that they did not have the time or opportunity to ask real important questions about the world. Those questions became unsolved to them but they still sit somewhere when they become adults. Sometimes it feels like we have spent a lifetime trying to figure out the answers to some questions that we don’t even know how to ask precisely. For example, when we ask, “Who do I want my children to be?” What exactly is being? Does it happen in the present moment or does it happen in the future? Is it “who” or is it “what”? Do we define “who” by someone’s actions by their values, their beliefs, or identity markers? If I say “I just want my children to be happy and healthy,” do happiness and health make who they are?

A deeper question I sense here is “what is actually the purpose we’re looking for in our own life, not necessarily in our children’s life?” Many parents have filled their 24 hours a day with endless activities that they believe will contribute to their children’s growth, without really knowing what they themselves are really pursuing in their life. Those activities, supported by data, psychological and medical research, could contribute to their children’s growth, but only on an aggregate level. What if a child, or any human being is unique, one-and-only in this world that what they truly wish for is to be felt, understood, and held before the world tells them to go quiet and be like everyone else, or to fit into some labels and adjectives? Then the answer is for them to just live with all their senses, and perhaps one day they will live to find out the answers.

*****

When I shared my writing with the group, everyone was silent for like 5 seconds, and then the host said, “Kendra that’s really powerful.” I said “thank you.”

Then Angel was interested in the club and my writing so I showed him my writing. All he could say was, “this was really good. With only 20 minutes? How many people there were non-native speakers?” Then he made a comment that my writing would challenge a lot of my coworkers’ parenting, and then he started talking about his coworkers struggling with the education system.

I just couldn’t feel any resonance from Angel’s comments. If anyone is reading my stuff, I’d want them to resonate with my points about the “inner child”, the suppressed voice, etc, but obviously Angel has zero clue about those things. I wonder if anyone else in the club understood what I said except for Jinu, because he was nodding the whole time when I was reading my writing out loud.

The unknown

Today was supposed to be our students’ first day back to school but I had to take the morning off to take Little N to the hospital for his joint evaluation. The rehab doctor said that even though the orthopedic doctor said his hip dysplasia was still borderline abnormal and it seemed to be moving towards positive healing, from her experience kids with this condition usually suffer from tremendous pain in their 20s and a surgery in their 20s would be much bigger than one now. When I heard this I immediately had terror in my heart. Upon his birth Little N fought through VSD and I spent the entire first year of his life researching heart surgeries and fortunately his heart healed on its own. Then they discovered his retractile testicle and at one point there could also be a need for a surgery but then again, after some tracking it seems to be fine and no surgery is needed so far. Hip dysplasia is something he was born with and we’ve been tracking it upon birth and it has always been a borderline abnormality. The rehab doctor feels pessimistic because his gross motor skills are quite delayed—he can’t balance well compared to kids of his age, but autism could also affect balance and coordination.

His IQ test result is below average but his visual reasoning is way above average. His communication and language use is also behind the curve, but he’s fully bilingual and he’s constantly giving lectures to others. I hate standardized tests but I still feel anxious about whether he could be admitted to our school or not. I really hope he could be admitted because that would save me so much money and logistical arrangements.

In the evening I had another huge fight with Angel again, and it’s about the settlement again. His child support includes costs of education and medicine but given our kids’ special needs they spend more money than the child support he offers. No matter how much I tried to explain my invisible unpaid labor to make their education work for them he just couldn’t accept it. He’s fixated on the fact that he’s spending all his salary on the kids and can’t and won’t spend more money than he makes, even though he’s got a lot of assets from his family money and will have more when his dad dies. In the end I told him what the rehab doctor said to me and my tears just rolled down again. I wanted to hire a physical therapist to work with Little N every day for six months because if his hips don’t improve he will need a surgery, and given the child support in our settlement it doesn’t seem to be able to cover that, although our health insurance pays for 90% of it.

In the end I told him I will sign the settlement the way it is, because I don’t want to have another fight with him anymore. I don’t want to be vulnerable in front of him anymore because in the past 10 years, every time when I tried to convince him of something, it would not work until I told him what scared me.m and cried. And I hate that because he should understand and feel me enough to know my motivation and feelings behind those requests. For example, when I wanted to buy a car, I told him I couldn’t handle taxi drivers saying shit about my kids in the car and driving recklessly and all he cared about was that taxi rides for life cost less than owning a car. In the end I had to cry and yell so that he could understand that I wanted a safe, warm family life for the kids. To me, when he granted my wish at that point he had already lost my heart, because he had to make me feel so much pain before I could get something that we deserved.

During our divorce process I had cried many times similar to this situation and I am tired. I just want to get it signed soon and move on. I don’t want to fight and feel invisible and misunderstood again and again.

Today Eric texted me again. Somehow I’m already thinking about blocking him. He told me he’s been blocked by “friends” before, and I think I now know why.

2026/1/6, 12:34:03 PM] Eric: back at work?

[2026/1/6, 12:48:56 PM] Me: Yes

[2026/1/6, 12:49:00 PM] Me: PD yesterday

[2026/1/6, 12:49:19 PM] Me: You?

[2026/1/6, 12:54:46 PM] Eric: still unemployed..haha

[2026/1/6, 12:54:53 PM] Eric: but wife is back at work this week

(Me thinking: I didn’t ask about your wife but why do you mention your wife? You think I fucking care about your wife? Or you want me to care about your wife?)

[2026/1/6, 12:58:39 PM] Me: You moving away from Manila?

[2026/1/6, 1:03:04 PM] Eric: yes, wife filed her notice

[2026/1/6, 1:03:10 PM] Eric:  moving out at the end of the school year

[2026/1/6, 1:06:30 PM] Me: To where?

[2026/1/6, 1:10:56 PM] Eric: that's TBD. i'm working on several options.

[2026/1/6, 1:11:19 PM] Me: And she’ll just be jobless?

[2026/1/6, 1:11:46 PM] Eric: taking a break, yes

[2026/1/6, 1:11:53 PM] Eric: she's never had time off since she started working

[2026/1/6, 1:13:30 PM] Me: So have I, not even after two c-secs lol

[2026/1/6, 1:13:35 PM] Me: How nice

[2026/1/6, 1:14:02 PM] Eric: her career is still in good shape, so she can just get another job whenever she wants

(Me thinking: why are your so defensive of her? I didn’t even question anything.)

[2026/1/6, 1:14:26 PM] Me: I never see myself that way

[2026/1/6, 1:14:34 PM] Eric: yeah, weird

[2026/1/6, 1:14:40 PM] Me: Weird?

[2026/1/6, 1:14:46 PM] Eric: you see yourself as ultra-competent

[2026/1/6, 1:14:51 PM] Me: For someone who’s lived thru the financial crisis?

[2026/1/6, 1:14:52 PM] Eric: but you don't see your career as in good shape

[2026/1/6, 1:15:04 PM] Me: You don’t leave any gap year on your LinkedIn

[2026/1/6, 1:15:19 PM] Me: No gap year on resume

[2026/1/6, 1:15:22 PM] Eric: i have the same sense, but other people call me paranoid or pessimistic

[2026/1/6, 1:15:35 PM] Me: This is like college career service workshop 101 rule

[2026/1/6, 1:15:45 PM] Eric: lol we're not in college anymore

[2026/1/6, 1:15:54 PM] Me: Sure. Even grad school

[2026/1/6, 1:16:05 PM] Me: Or actually on LinkedIn I get random people asking me for jobs

[2026/1/6, 1:16:12 PM] Eric: she has some ideas for things to put on her CV during the downtime

[2026/1/6, 1:16:21 PM] Me: I don’t ever want to be in that position again

[2026/1/6, 1:16:34 PM] Eric: hah, you're lucky to have that

[2026/1/6, 1:16:44 PM] Me: Whatever you put down on CV it’ll just show as gap year

[2026/1/6, 1:18:03 PM] Eric: that kind of thinking is lame

[2026/1/6, 1:18:34 PM] Me: Not how I think

[2026/1/6, 1:18:38 PM] Me: But how recruiters think

[2026/1/6, 1:18:40 PM] Eric: personally i never held it against applicants when they applied for positions at my company

[2026/1/6, 1:18:52 PM] Me: Your company is not big……

[2026/1/6, 1:18:54 PM] Me: Lol

[2026/1/6, 1:19:09 PM] Me: All the recruiters at large firms do this

[2026/1/6, 1:19:09 PM] Eric: which means i had to actually hire quality people, not just a credential

[2026/1/6, 1:19:21 PM] Me: Ok sure

[2026/1/6, 1:19:44 PM] Eric: by itself, it doesn't have practical relevance

(Me thinking: you sound so much like my dad. He decided to quit his finance career and started a restaurant but all he talks about even now are the “amazing” things he had done when he was in finance. You’re fucking jobless and don’t even have a lead and I don’t give a shit about what you had done when you had a job.)

[2026/1/6, 1:20:12 PM] Eric: in her case, she has good relationships with a number of previous bosses who actively help her with job hunting

[2026/1/6, 1:23:43 PM] JC Kao: Ok

(Me thinking: do you have zero self-esteem now so that you can only flex about your wife, nothing else?)

[2026/1/6, 1:23:57 PM] Me: That’s her circumstance. I’m talking about myself.

[2026/1/6, 1:50:04 PM] Eric: i know

[2026/1/6, 1:51:21 PM] Eric: just think of the alternative. you've lived approximately half your lifespan, but your health span may be shorter than that. do you really want to spend your entire healthy life working full-time with no breaks?

[2026/1/6, 1:51:48 PM] Eric: make your fears and regrets fight each other 😎

[2026/1/6, 1:54:45 PM] Me: I work only 190 days a year. How many more breaks do I need?

[2026/1/6, 1:55:29 PM] Me: Besides I love my job and my colleagues. My HRV is 30% higher during work days than my breaks.

[2026/1/6, 2:04:50 PM] Eric: Hahaha. You’re the opposite of 過勞死

[2026/1/6, 2:05:26 PM] Eric: You’re in danger of 缺勞死

[2026/1/6, 2:05:36 PM] Me: lol sounds about right

[2026/1/6, 2:05:49 PM] Eric: Or your actual labor is far greater at home

[2026/1/6, 2:05:54 PM] Me: I spent the whole morning at the hospital with my son and I had to leave home earlier than a regular work day

[2026/1/6, 2:06:05 PM] Me: For my entire break I never had more than 6 hours of sleep

[2026/1/6, 2:06:06 PM] Eric: Ouch

[2026/1/6, 2:06:08 PM] Me: Per day

[2026/1/6, 2:06:13 PM] Eric: Ouch

[2026/1/6, 2:06:33 PM] Me: I operate on 5 to 6 hours of sleep every day for years

[2026/1/6, 5:21:37 PM] Eric: talking with you is a fantastic form of birth control 🤭

[2026/1/6, 6:58:09 PM] Me: Not everyone has the bandwidth and capacity to be a parent. It’s better for the world if those people don’t have kids. When I was getting Down’s syndrome screening during my pregnancy, I told myself that if the result was positive I would still not have an abortion. I have loved children since I was a child.

Parts

Work started today. My HRV has been higher today than any other day during the break. I have discovered my pattern—my HRV is lower during sleep than during the day when I’m awake, and my HRV during breaks is almost 30% lower than what it is during my work days. In conclusion, I feel less stress when I’m at work than when I am on vacation, having to face Angel, his family, and my fears during quiet alone times.

I was a bit nervous for work today; I always get nightmares when a long break ends. My nightmare before work today was about Jinu, but I couldn’t remember what he said to me—it was something mean and I got so activated during sleep.

Yes, I did miss him during the break and I had wondered how we’d feel when we saw each other at work today, but the good thing was that I wasn’t really anxious. Then again, why would I have a nightmare about him if I wasn’t feeling anxious?

Recently I’ve been working on Janina Fisher’s “Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors” and I’m starting to see that the different voices I have in my head belong to different parts of myself so I need to learn to communicate with them to achieve a fully integrated adult self that is neutral and calm. So now I want to write about my day while trying to identify where my feelings came from.

Jinu and I spent a lot of time chatting at work again. We caught up about our break—he said he had some dramas with his family, especially with his brother and I told him about my drama with Angel’s parents. Because his stepdad is a WASP from New England so he really hates Angel’s parents from just the stories I’ve told him. He also talked about the tension he had with his brother when he was back home; his brother seems to be a very successful but also narcissistic Wall Street guy, making a ton of money at age only 32 who goes on a different date every week. I tried to get intel from Jinu about a new director who I think could make an impact to inclusion, and at one point I joked that if this new director is charismatic that just means he knows what to say to different people but it doesn’t mean he’d commit to one cause so I need to figure out a way to charm him, maybe show my cleavage or something. The Jinu said “ok but you’re not dressed for that today”. I laughed and said, “this is workplace harassment!”

Ok now my different parts have different voices. One part thinks today was so much fun with Jinu and that he was so sweet to spend so much time on such a busy work day with me (maybe almost 2 hours in total) out of an 8-hour packed professional development day. Which part is thinking this? The little girl part? My adult part?

Then a smaller part of me still thinks that he doesn’t care about me and that he does this for everyone, every friend. Today the college counselor who I thought had a crush on him came into our office to chat with him again. They were speaking their native language most of the time so I couldn’t understand it. A part of me felt jealous, trying to confirm that he chats about equally deep and fun things with everyone, not only with me. OK, this part is probably my hurt child part—the part that has a really hard time believing that I am special and I deserve better than others. Actually at one point of our conversation Jinu said that he doesn’t do talk shop with everyone although he does that with me. He told me when he hangs out with the director he’d almost talk about grocery and superficial things. OK even with some evidence right here this part of me still has a hard time believing in herself.

Today I had a separate discussion with SpongeBob in my office. He used to be pretty mean to me over the 9 years we’ve been working together, but he seem to be somewhat different recently because he has a pretty serious local gf now and this girl has changed a lot of the ways he thinks. So today somehow we ended up talking about relationships and how to make choices, what security is. He has a somewhat transactional view, as in, “why would I invest so much emotionally without knowing how the other person feels about me?” I told him I’d never chase a man because it had never ended well for me; even with Angel, I’d say he chased me first and I did so many, too many things for him because I knew that’d make him stay. As long as I could do things he couldn’t do then he’d need me. I was right. So at this point I just don’t want to chase anyone anymore, but the two men in the conversation both thought they wanted the woman to initiate. The other guy is married for almost 25 years. From my observation, these men may be passive in the beginning, but once they know a woman likes them, they begin to take care of her. Somehow this experience has never occurred to me. Whenever I revealed to a man that I’d like to take things to the next level, he left. Even my relationship with Ivan had a bumpy start and he was hesitant and emotionally tangled with D, who he later married. A part of me wonders—why can’t a man just find me so special and cherish-able so that they’re willing to take the risk to escalate? Eric couldn’t escalate despite all the things he had said to me so the other option is to terminate. Which part of me says this? Maybe the abandoned infant self upon birth? I fought so hard to stay alive given my near death experience at birth and yet my own mother would not see me or hold me.

There’s one more part of me that hates myself for feeling happy and laughing out loud whenever I talk to Jinu. This part wishes I don’t have to feel so much joy when hanging out with him. Maybe this is the “protector part” of myself? This part is trying to protect my heart from another disappointment. This is still the little girl of me tho—because at age 5 I already learned to hold back my tears to protect my mom’s feelings and never told her that my nanny and teachers at school had slapped me on my face and beat me upside down on my feet with bamboo sticks. I had no adult I could trust, so when Jinu brings me so much joy and is always protective of me whenever I told him how random people threatened me on the street, this protector part of me is afraid that it’s just another person who’s going to hurt me even tho they’re supposed to protect and take care of me.

There’s one more part of me that wonders what Richard and I will be doing if Richard does land in the City of Rain on Friday. What will we talk about? Will we still laugh like 20 years ago? Will he still feel an irresistible charm in me? Ok so which part of me is thinking about this? I have no idea.

New Year

I had my talk therapy this morning and my therapist asked me what hopes and goals I have for 2026. I told her that I’d like to be healthier, both physically and mentally, and emotionally I hope to find the feeling of safety. I also hope that socially I can have more people in my inner circle, and eventually I’d like to have someone I can put as my emergency contact. Speaking of this, when I had my physical exam on Dec 31, I put Tony as my emergency contact, and this got me thinking—an emergency contact doesn’t have to be my partner or biological family member. It’s just an emergency contact. Maybe one day I can put my BFF at work as my emergency contact too.

Late last night I got a text from Eric and I didn’t sleep well last night. Maybe it was because I had coke when I was watching Avatar late at night at the theater, maybe it was also because I saw the email from Angel’s dad after I got home and replied. After I finished writing my blogpost last night this text arrived and I didn’t fall asleep until 4am and got up at 8:30am somehow. I’ve noticed that Eric tends to activate my body and causes me to have very short sleep. And also he causes me anxiety I think, even from such a brief exchange. 

The moment when I read that “our car” I just immediately thought that he was with his wife, and he’s not taking the initiative to talk to me on the phone. That gives me lots of pain and I just don’t want to feel that way anymore. That’s why I gave him a sarcastic reply and really didn’t know what to say. I don’t feel safe saying my truth to him, such as “I have wanted to talk to you from time to time” or “I miss our conversations”. And once I lose that feeling of safety to tell my truth to someone, it’s usually the end. It’s when I close the door on this person.

Just like how I did it with Angel and his family, because it’s no longer safe and protected for me. I can’t keep my heart wide open to people who can’t hold it. So speaking of this, my therapist today also told me that I am very honest and truthful with feelings. She says most people would just learn to numb themselves, starting young even in teenage years. It’s very obvious that’s how Angel and his family operate. They don’t even have the capacity to face any bit of emotions from their own family. For example the other day when I was driving them to a restaurant, Angel’s mom asked me, “how’s your younger brother doing?” I said, “I had no idea,” and then I waited for a minute and said, “I don’t talk to any of them now.” Then Angel’s mom said, “how come I don’t see many Teslas in the City of Rain these days?”

Wow. I have never met anyone who has zero social/connection skills like this except for Little O who’s autistic. She is a woman with multiple Ivy League degrees and lives in the elite circle of the City of Money, and yet she offers zero emotional attunement to someone she’s known for 10 years. 

Anyway back to my therapist. She said I somehow am more alive than most people because I refuse to numb my feelings and truth, and I agreed but I also told her over the years a lot of people have left me because they don’t like what they hear from me. I don’t even tell white lies and yet my students all find me positive and compassionate because I genuinely see the goodness in everyone, at least in all children and minors. I have the ability to connect with any child, disabled or not, but when it comes to adults, I am very very selective and reserved, although over the years I think I’ve made some close friends at work and my friendships with several coworkers are growing stronger. So that’s improvement I think.

Then today I got another happy new year text from Richard. So Richard and I have been in touch sporadically because I’m in the process of applying for him to be a visiting scholar at my school.

Richard: Happy new year Kendra. May this new year bring you all that you wish for. Hope you had a good break

[2026/1/2, 7:06:20 PM] Me: Aww that does sound very good. Thank you and you too!

[2026/1/2, 7:07:03 PM] Richard: And happy to wait till the PTA figures something out. I’d love to come to City of Rain next week and I am also in the City of Richard for 4 days so maybe just chilling makes sense

[2026/1/2, 7:07:23 PM] Richard: Very keen to make this work and hang out with you in City of Rain this year!

[2026/1/2, 7:09:34 PM] Me: Why don’t you just come regardless of what the PTA says? I can at least introduce you to our CFO, Dean of academics and instructional coach and some folks in the history department (Econ is under history at my school)

[2026/1/2, 7:10:28 PM] Me: And whatever good food you like, you can find it in the City of Rain for sure

[2026/1/2, 7:11:29 PM] Richard: Haha. I’d love to. When do you guys reopen? Realistically it would have to be next Friday if I came for the day

[2026/1/2, 7:11:44 PM] Richard: Provided the flights are not crazy priced

[2026/1/2, 7:14:47 PM] Me: We open on Monday. Friday would be great because it’s my lighter day (where I teach only two periods with 3 consecutive free periods in between) and you can probably sit in one of my classes and watch me teach 😅

[2026/1/2, 7:15:38 PM] Me: You only plan to spend one day here?

[2026/1/2, 7:16:44 PM] Me: If you come for a weekend we can go get some real good food

When I compared how I felt reading Richard’s text and Eric’s, I’ve realized Eric has caused me too much pain, while with Richard, my body feels much lighter, and a sense of being appreciated and warmth. It’s not that we still have romantic feelings with each other. When he visited me and crashed at my place in the City of Power in 2011, I remember it was Valentine’s Day, I was still in so much pain. I couldn’t fully process the shame of being dismissed from my PhD program, the unspeakable amount of pain from breaking up with Ivan, having to get back on my feet and living with so much debt to get my master’s degree. I projected so much fantasy into Richard when he finally came to visit me; I wanted to believe so much that he was much more than Ivan so when he left (at that time he already had a steady girlfriend from Boston), I was so depressed and couldn’t shed a tear. Now he’s been married to that same girl for over ten years I believe. I learned about his marriage when his brother came to visit me in the City of Rain in 2014 I think. That was when I decided that everyone would end up with someone, even if that someone wasn’t their true love, so I was determined to find someone to marry. 

I have no idea about Richard’s wife and how they met etc. He made no mention of her when he visited me in 2011. How did Richard and I meet? It goes way back to 2006, when we were in the City of Richard for a summer program. I was only 20 and he was 23. We could talk a lot and our banter was nonstop, but I was never attracted to him because I was still loving Jes at that time, although Jes kept telling me to date and hook up with men in my real life to be healthy. But then after many parties together, one night back at our dorm, he told me he really really really liked me and asked me to give him a kiss, so I did (under the influence of alcohol) on the lips, no tongue, and gave him a hug. Even other people in the program kept asking me why I wouldn’t date him because they all knew he was so into me, and I just said I wasn’t physically attracted to him. lol now when I think back I see how ridiculous I was.

I honestly can’t remember when we officially French kissed, but there was a lot of them, and making out, etc. lol. Towards the end of the program we both knew it had to end and we would probably never see each other again and he just broke up with me at the last banquet. It was so mean and I was really upset. But later that night he made up with me and kept telling me “I was miserable without you”. After he went back to the City of Charles, we still chat from time to time but it was very painful for me. He had told me he loved me and that was the first time in my life someone told me he loved me. I wanted to go visit him but my mom threatened me that she’d kill herself if I went. Richard in 2011 told me he send me a letter to the City of Rain but I never received it. Now I’d never know what he wrote about me at age 23. 

Then he moved on, but it always takes me longer than others to move on. I did make a trip to Europe in the summer of 2007 but he already had a girlfriend at that time and I never got my miracle.

So speaking of miracles, lately I’ve been thinking that I have a habit of imagining a miracle every now and then, especially on New Year’s Eve, but a miracle has never happened. When I got into my PhD program on full scholarship I thought it was a miracle, but then it ended so tragically. When Richard told me he’d visit me in 2011, I thought it was miracle but to him it probably wasn’t anything meaningful and he didn’t had those feelings he had for me in 2006. I had waited for years for us to see each other again but it just wasn’t the same anymore. I have imagined all kinds of miracles in my life but none of them has ever happened. I used to think getting married in Bali would be a miracle for me and I’d feel so emotional at my wedding and cry a lot; I imagined the one in my life would write the most heartwarming vows for our wedding, but it turned out I was already numb at my actual wedding in Bali and we used an internet template for our vows. I used to watch other couples’ wedding videos and imagined that my wedding vows would be full of our personal stories and love, but Angel and I never had good stories to tell from our relationship.

When Eric came to visit me in the City of Rain in June 2025. I thought it was a miracle and beautiful things would happen between us, and all we did were just many hugs full of longing. 

After Ivan broke up with me, I deleted all of our email exchanges and it was so clean that I could barely find any trace. The surprising thing was that when I left the City of Gold in 2013, I actually sent him an email to tell him that my American dream was over. No reply of course. I don’t even remember this until I was looking through my archives. I wonder what I was thinking back then. I thought I was all over Ken and had locked up Ivan in the past. When I got my degree in 2012, I emailed Ivan’s buddy and he told me that Ivan was getting married and I told his buddy that I never had any bf since Ivan and I was determined to get married by 30, and I did. I didn’t have any official bf between Ivan and Angel and I did get married at age 30. It was so hard to find someone who wanted to commit to me, and it still is. 

If the universe tells me the miracles are my two boys, I’d believe it and be content with just the two of them. What exactly is a miracle anyway? Isn’t the fact that I’m still alive after so much  miracle? Isn’t the fact that I conceived Little N in one shot without penetration a miracle?

I just watched the very first Avatar tonight and then realized I understood it too little when I first saw it in 2009. The idea of “I see you” is so powerful and it’s something that I’ve been missing my whole life. 

Avatar

Angel took the kids out for a mini vacation so I finally had time to see a late night movie with a nonstop massage chair. I finally got to see the new Avatar movie—it was so awesome, so worth it. The story line is still very complex and deep, touching on issues about race, differences, family and love, nature vs nurture, depression, shame, trauma etc. It’s got too many things I need to think about and I’ll probably watch the first Avatar again. It’s a real good movie that I haven’t seen for a while.

Then after I got back home after midnight, I saw an email from Angel’s dad. Here goes it:

Dear Kendra, thank you for responding to my email.  I am grateful for your explaining how you see yourself and your concerns, and I appreciate the thought and care that went into your saying it.  I would not presume to doubt any of what you say about your own feelings or the sincerity of your perspectives on things.   I am sorry to learn that I am a "trigger" for you.  To my way of thinking, you have deep strengths and talents, and you have been given many gifts.  If you want to, you can use them to make yourself the person you would like to be.  But it will not be fruitful to consume your energies constructing fantasy grievances about debts you think that others owe you and have not delivered on.  About myself, my own experiences, and how I regard my family, including yourself -- your note is full of assumptions and projections, but you have no understanding.   Perhaps someday things will be different.  I don't expect that it would be helpful to address these things further in the circumstances where we find ourselves now.   C

****

The “fantasy grievances” and his overall tone triggered me again so I replied:

Wow. You apologized for being a trigger to me and then you called my real pain “fantasy grievances” and relational responsibility “debts I imagined”. You are dismissing my reality and telling me I should transcend my suffering alone with my gifts. This is actually very classic American isolationism and exceptionalism, which explains why no single country in this world likes USA. Only fear, no real love.

I feel sad this is how you relate to others, for decades. It also makes me see that you probably don’t understand Owen as much as his therapist, which makes me feel sad for Angel too. To this day, at age almost 50, Angel is still afraid of you. You’re right; let’s stay silent after this. Any defense or moralization or intellectualization you have will probably, no, definitely, trigger me more.

***

Then I added one more thing in a second email:

And you’re right that I have no understanding of your own experiences and your views, because you’d only talk about random facts about your birth family in the ten years I’ve known you and only events that barely had emotions. Over the years I’ve learned to see you and your wife blended as one because when she takes over you’d become silent, so to me, her view is your view. I should have separated the Ls and the Ss. I have wondered over the years if your upbringing could be somewhat related to my experiences, but then, you have chosen not to share those things with me.

If you’re a trauma survivor like myself, then I’m sorry that you haven’t got help and that you had to grow old in that kind of system.

***

Now it’s past 3am and this em exchange has overstimulated me so I’m not sleeping yet. Totally not worth it. But why can’t I just be like others and just drop the thread like that? Why am I destined be a teacher explaining things nonstop?

Ending 2025

I ended 2025 by having a quiet intensive physical exam, and my period just started yesterday and I was bleeding a lot. I’ve been suffering from iron deficiency anemia since I gave birth to Little N because the c-sections had structurally changed my uterus and now I bleed too much every time when I menstruate. I thought I’d pass out after they drew almost 50ml of blood from me. I also had to run while they took my ECG and that was always the most challenging part. Basically each physical exam is just really tiring, plus I could barely sleep last night because I had to get up to change my tampons every two hours. The massive blood and anemia really make me want to reach menopause ASAP.

While I was waiting for my exams, I got an email from Angel’s dad:

Sorry

Dear Kendra, Angel told me yesterday morning that you have said I am not longer welcome at the apartment when you are there. If this is because I teased you Monday evening, I am sorry for it. 

I replied: 

Hi Angel’s dad,

I am not sure how Angel delivered the message to you because most of the time he has trouble processing what I tell him and relaying the ideas to others, but it is not simply about the teasing. It is about my 10 years of invisibility in the L family. 

It’s no one’s problem really; it’s merely a matter of capacity. No one in the L family knows what it feels like to live with abandonment, abuse, survival upon birth; no one in the L family knows what it’s like to be financially independent (with zero dollars in the bank account) since 18 (except for you) and to work as a blue-collar worker. 

However, the major difference between your path and mine is that you’re a male WASP born and raised in the US, whereas I was born illegitimately, Asian non-English speaking and female, outside of the US and tried to make my American dream work with my bare hands and failed. To the L family, I am low-class, because when I argue I get loud; when I am aggressed on the streets, I curse. That’s what you do on the streets, when you’re trying to survive as a blue-collar worker, and that’s how I had lived before working for my current job since 18.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a new family of my own, and I projected too much hope into the L family because you called me your daughter, because you told me you loved me. Finally, after so much time and money on so many sessions of therapy, reading and writing, I’ve learned my hard lesson that the way I define “family” and “love” is at a totally different depth. For example, it’s obvious that if your daughter or granddaughter were placed in my circumstances upon birth, you would have a totally different reaction to whatever was happening to them from your reaction to my circumstances. I believe you wouldn’t simply say, “Daughter, I’m sorry your life is so difficult.” Over the past ten years, I have exhausted myself by explaining myself constantly to Angel and the Ls, with both my words and actions, only to learn that no one has the capacity to see me and hold me, and that capacity’s limit can rarely be changed in one person. 

By writing this long email, I am still engaging in the labor of over-explaining myself, and maybe that’s because I still have a slight hope to be understood just a bit more. I don’t know why I still do this because no one has asked me any question to try to understand me more. Maybe it’s a process before I can finally just interact politely, superficially, emotionlessly by simply saying, “how are you,” “did you have a nice meal/walk/sleep/massage”.

As for our home, it should be a place where I feel safe with my kids. Even my father is not legally allowed to come near to my home, and I only have two people in my family now—Nolan and Owen. Whoever comes into our home should be someone who understands and protects us, not someone who triggers me. Honestly if it weren’t for logistical reasons I would not want my own mother in my house either. 

So, you are free to go into the house to hang out with the kids when I’m not there. If you need more time you can take the kids out. When can we both be present in the house? I guess when I finally achieve being emotionless when I see the Ls, however more inner work I’ll need to make this happen. 

Oh one more thing I need to clarify is that Angel said my emotions come before others because I have so much trauma, and that’s absolutely not true. I believe that in any connection, two people are free to express whatever emotions they have and they also have the freedom to walk away if they don’t like the emotional reciprocity anymore. There shouldn’t be any hierarchy in people’s emotions. If we vibe, we freely choose to stay and if we don’t vibe, we freely choose to leave.

*** 

I sent that email while I was having lunch at the hospital, with a view of the mountains in the rain. I felt moved and cried when I saw the mountains in the rain, because that’s actually my favorite image. I love the rain, and the clouds surrounding the mountains are the best view. I tried to take a nap after I finished my lunch and was waiting for the doctors to explain my numbers. Somehow, and I really don’t know why, I called out Ivan’s name while looking out the window. I kept trying to figure out why I did that. Maybe that dream of me stayed with me, because it was a very soothing feeling, and that smile made me feel very safe. Maybe it’s because he was the one who got me hooked to How I Met Your Mother, which has hugely impacted my view of love, and to this day I still think back to some of the stories in HIMYM. 

Every year I wish there could be a surprise on NYE, but there has never been one. Maybe the fact that Ivan broke up with me a few days before the NYE of 2010 traumatized me too much and left an imprint in my body that only a surprise/miracle could reverse that pain. No. It’s never happened, and no matter how much I wish for one, the most the universe would give me is some fireworks in my neighborhood in the mountains. I wake up in the morning and everything is just the same as every other day—the same feeling of hyper independence, hyper vigilance, aloneness, and not being understood. 

After my physical I met up with Tony to catch up. He works at that hospital so every time when my kids or myself go there I’d give him a holler. We’ve known each other since 15 and he’s just turned 40. Never married and never had kids. It’s an ineffable feeling to see how our lives have evolved for 25 years.

Happy New Year Kendra. I hope the divorce settlement can be signed soon. I hope to be free again. I hope to be able to find my chosen family and find love again in 2026.

No need

Yesterday Angel’s parents wanted to pick up Little N from his school and I offered them a ride. While I was almost at his school, a food delivery scooter surpassed me very fast in a very narrow space and I had to brake before I’d hit him. Then I said to myself “if he wants to die he can die by himself.” I absolutely hate it when people are driving aggressively on the streets because it simply means they’re not afraid of dying and yet if they do get killed even if it’s their wrongdoing, whoever kills the still has to compensate. 

Then Angel’s mom and his dad exchanged a look. I knew they were judging me. After my IEP meeting with Little N’s teachers, I got home and said to Angel: what trigger me most are men who represent criminality, violence, impose authority over me, and provoke me on the streets. Then his dad said to me, “Kendra I’m sorry your life is so difficult.” I asked him, “are you being sarcastic?” He said yes. Then I asked to talk to Angel privately. 

He fucking triggered me because he, an elite privileged WASP is telling me sarcastically that my life is difficult. I asked Angel, “has anyone in the L family kneeled down in front of the whole family at age 5, slapped on their face twice, face swollen immediately but they couldn’t drop a tear because they wanted to spare their mother’s guilt and sadness?” “Was anyone in the L family born abandoned and near death?” “And he’s asking me sarcastically that my life is so difficult?” 

No one in the L family understands how difficult my life is; even if they know the stories, they cannot imagine or fathom my pain because all of them were born so privileged and sheltered. They were never left in a situation where they had to survive without any safety net. I tried for ten years for them to understand me because I hoped to find a new family of my own so badly and failed. They have always looked down on me for my circumstances and have never admired me for what I have had to endure and survive. My therapists have finally helped me see through their condescension—they told me people should be impressed by my resilience and strengths, but it turns out all these elites look down on me. I don’t want them to be near me anymore.

I talked to Angel for almost two hours last night trying to help him verbalize where I was coming from because he wants all of us to get along so that they can continue to see the kids, but deep down I’ve given up because that’s just who they are. I told him from now on I only want people who understand and protect me under my roof. Anyone who doesn’t understand or appreciate me should leave me alone. I also told him that I am building my own community of people so that I am surrounded by people who understand me and can support me.

Angel tried to talk about all the things we went through last night with his parents. His parents only say, “we’re sorry that Kendra has such a tough life,” without sarcasm this time. It was 100% predictable to me but a part of me was longing all day long that maybe they could say something that would surprise me, such as “ooh poor Kendra, what she went through was inhumane and she deserves to have a new family that embraces her”. Nada, of course nothing like that. They said, “but the abuse that happened to her was such a long time ago,” and then Angel tried to explain how trauma works, and I just felt absolutely numb and hopeless about all of the L family when Angel relayed the conversation to me.

I felt so hurt and unprotected last night before I went to bed, and I had an interesting dream. I saw Ivan in a pretty big house, surrounded by lots of greenery and landscapes. I don’t remember talking to him but it was rather quiet. He was smiling at me and I noticed that there were a few snacks in his house that were imported from the City of Rain.

I’ve been thinking about which part of me longs for Ivan’s presence. It was a part of me that once felt safe when being with him, because he was the only competent man I had been with. When my life was hard, he gave me surprises and kept trying to cheer me up. Most other men I had dated were much less competent than me, especially Angel. I married him because I knew if I kept being useful to him, he’d never leave me. 

It’s already the last day of the year. I am going to end 2025 with a physical exam while having my period. There’s really no need to try so hard anymore to explain myself and make myself understood. Whoever vibes with me can know me very easily.