Let the wind and waves carry the pain

​I hosted a birthday party for Little O on Saturday. It took me a week to prepare everything and arrange logistics, and Saturday morning I had therapy with Monica at 9. After I finished my session, I came out of my bedroom seeing that Little O had been crying for almost the entire session of my therapy because Angel couldn’t regulate him. He wasn’t well because he thought every birthday party in his life had to be identical in its routine, including the things he’d eat and do in the days leading up to the party. He had been very agitated lately and I was just so overwhelmed. I wish he could be grateful, or at least just happy for just one day. But he couldn’t. He kept screaming and crying and couldn’t be reasoned with at all. The more I tried to reason with him the more agitated he got because he couldn’t understand my words. I did what I wished was done to me as a child—a tight hug, mommy telling me everything was ok, and he punched me twice. It got me so angry and depressed and I screamed back at him, but it obviously didn’t change his mood, only making him more scared of me. Then I started crying, saying to Angel, “you have no idea how painful it is to offer so much care for someone and they don’t feel it. Maybe we don’t belong to this world and after tonight I’d die with him.”

My depression is almost non-existent now, but chronic depression seems to be still there. I said those things because being unable to regular Little O pains me. No one in this world can understand the level of pain I have endured if I don’t use such language. At his birthday party, I listen to other parents talk about their parenting and their kids’ fixation. Sure, other kids seem to have some limitations, but at least they could all communicate socially while Little O and I couldn’t. It feels like hitting a wall again and again, just like me talking to Angel.

Saturday morning I told Jinu that I wanted to go back to the bike trail, but he said he had a dinner plan Sunday evening so he wouldn’t be able to make it if he had joined me. I didn’t specifically invite him but he said he wanted to go but couldn’t. He also said that he forgot to tell me that my story was very well written in the writing club and I thanked him for telling me that and introducing to the club. However, prior to this conversation I cried in front of Monica again as I told her about that Jinu went on a date a week ago. The reason why I cried was more about that I wished I didn’t feel that way, because when I look at other people, I think most of them wouldn’t cry over a friend going on a date. This thought makes me very sad—like I don’t fit in, still am too sentimental and full of drama. Monica told me she’d be sad if she was in my position because she thinks the connection I had with Jinu was real, and we did a couple of day trips together alone, and there was a lot of laughter. She said many women would be sad if they were me.

On Sunday, I was gonna spend hours at a cafe going through the final divorce settlement and the translation of Little N’s various reports for school admission, but Little O was still dysregulated a lot and kept throwing tantrums and feeling anxious, so I asked him if he wanted to go biking with me on the coastline, and he did. We went back to the bike trail on the coastline and we had a tandem electric bike. He told me he liked the ocean, and I told him we could finally scream. As we were speeding through the wind and the sound of waves, I screamed and I asked him to scream like me, and he did.

Our time alone strengthened my attunement to his emotions and regulation, but a part of me still feels so much sadness that he can’t just converse normally like how I do it with his friends that came to our party and often with other children from Little N’s school, or even just converse with me like Little N does, and I just feel tremendous pain and jealousy that other children understand so much in a language and are capable of empathizing. Both Little N and Little O have empathy, but it feels so different from other children who would just intuitively follow mommy’s instructions and tell mommy what happened at school today. Being understood by a child is an important nourishment for motherhood, but I don’t have that. I’d hold him tight like a baby whenever he’s upset but he’d do whatever to escape as if I was a monster. I gave him what I wished I could have from my parents but he was still not happy.

Another thing that occupied my mind was that Monica told me I don’t have a problem attracting men because it was obvious that men remember me for a long time, like Ken, Eric, or Ivan, and Eric is still in my life. She doesn’t want me to talk to myself negatively because often times it’s the core values of someone or the complicated circumstances of life. Then I guess in the end nobody has my core value—love takes priority over everything else. To Ken, marrying a billionaire without emotional safety matters more. To Eric, marrying someone who listens to him but doesn’t understand him matters more. To me, emotional attunement and repairs come before anything else, but in the 21st century, who believes in what I believe in?

The writing space 2

I went to the second session of the writing space today. Here’s what I wrote with the given prompt within 20 minutes:



What is the spiritual background of your upbringing?

My spiritual background is not the one my parents, my mother mostly, would like me to have. As Taiwanese, not particularly sophisticated or well-traveled, they would do what most other people would do here—mixing Taoism and Buddhism, visiting temples during major festivals, praying for some kind of safety and stability whenever they felt like it.

My beliefs were not tied to those buddhas or whatever historical figures they put on display in those temples. My childhood circumstances taught me that those figures could not answer to my prayers; I must find the answers on my own. When I was left at my grandparents’ house, 300 miles away from my own home, at age 5 without any prior notice from my parents, I prayed to whatever Buddha image I had in my head that it would not be permanent, that my parents would come back to pick me up in just a few days. No one answered, and I didn’t see my parents again for the following 6 months. That was the first time I learned, religious figures couldn’t really see me; they must be too busy with all the other prayers from other bigger people, and I must find a way to create a majestic force on my own to get myself out of whatever situation I was in.

As I got a bit older, maybe at age 7 or 8, I started to find spirituality in stories about people and animals. I was reading constantly, fictions or non-fictions, for magical stories that absolutely did not align with my real life. I tried to figure out why events in life often happen in a chain and why some people could break them while others continued to be chained by them for good. I began to narrow down to a few things—will power, patience, temperament. When I was slapped on my face or humiliated in public by my caregivers, nothing spiritual would come to my rescue; when my siblings were covered in blood from domestic violence, no matter how hard they prayed, nothing could stop it from happening. The only way out was to build the will power to be independent, away from home, so that safety and stability could arrive, at least for a while, at age 9.

In my teenage years, I developed even more understanding between people, animals, children, and nature. I started to see the goodness in those things and somehow the real magical things actually happened around me. Friends and teachers remembered my help and inspiration for a long time, and whenever I was overwhelmed and scared, the nature always had a way to catch me. Since then, I have believed that spirituality was in me, around me, and between me and everything and everyone else.

Protecting my nervous system

At age almost 40, I'm starting to see how important it is to protect my nervous system. After my 21km bike ride on Sunday, I had terrible night terrors and heart palpitations all night and barely sleep before my Monday morning class. Whenever I woke up, my heart rate would calm down, but as soon as I fell asleep, my heart would be racing and then I'd be sweating--an autonomic system problem.

Last night I got so angry at my mother. It is really quite painful to live under the same roof with someone who doesn't understand me, especially she is my mother who has abandoned me, never protected me, and now is just using her labor to make up for her lost time and alleviate her guilt by helping out with my kids.

She made broccolis for dinner again, and I asked her, "why do you still buy broccolis these days?" She hates broccolis, and I'm not a fan either, and we used to have a lot of broccolis for meals because before I had a restraining order against my dad, he used to buy a lot of them because they were the cheapest greens in the market. My mom said she hated broccolis and it was all purchased by my dad, but now my dad is out of our life (sort of), but why do broccolis still show up at my dinner table?

She said "didn't you guys need to have greens every day?" I said, "yes, but I prefer green leaves, not broccolis." Then she got defensive and angry saying that "how are broccolis not green leaves? You just despise everything I cook. Whatever you wanna eat, why don't you make a list for me?" I said, "you used to say we had so many broccolis at home because dad bought all of them, but how come you still buy them even though dad's not here?" Then she started to make it all about me looking down on everyone in my family. Honestly, I do look down on them. They do not understand my world, but I understand their world, even though my mom claims that I don't understand her, but I have triggered her so many times because I've spoken the truth for her, which means I do understand her. They don't like to read, they have never lived abroad, and they don't know my bilingual world. I now have more and better connections in my work community and I find that the shame carried by my family makes it really hard for me to connect with anyone of them. Whenever they see me, they feel ashamed, and they always think, for decades, that I look down on them, because I'm intellectually gifted. If I used therapy language with them, they don't understand it and would just say I'm the only with problems and that's why I get therapy, because I'm rich.

When you try for so many years to believe that your family are the people who love you the most and have got your back and these are the words that they're giving you, it's just masochistic to keep believing in that and keep trying.

My mom is in my house because she needs the money, and I don't know how much more it'd cost me if I had hired profession helpers. There just seems to be no way to escape from destiny. I really don't want to hurt my nervous system anymore and have to yell at anyone anymore. Little N was disturbed and kept trying to ask me to play with him while I argued with my mom for almost an hour. Later when I apologized to him for yelling and told him that I was sad because nobody understand me, Little N replied, "Mommy I recognize you." My tears just rolled down like that when he said that to me.

Predictable

​everything that happened over the past 3 days were just predictable.

1. Richard never followed up again over the past week about coming to the City of Rain. As Friday approached, I became more and more anxious, rather than excited, because I knew he would not just surprise me and show up. So I started the day on Friday as if he would show up and got myself ready for work looking sharp. Then I texted him to see if he was coming to the City of Rain. Then he told me he got sick and couldn’t hop in and out of Taipei for one day from the City of Richard. I wished him well and chitchat for a bit. He said we should do a call at the end of January, but I couldn’t really care less.

I had imagined that the past weekend would have been filled with a lot of fun and great conversations with Richard, so yes there was a lot of disappointment. I tried to move on with the day; it’s not that I have any romantic feelings for him, but for some reason, there’s always a part of me that craves to know in this world who would make me their priority. I know this part of me is very childish and unhealed and honestly I want to call it stupid and naive but it’s just there. I don’t know why no matter how much reading, writing and therapy I do, this part of me just can’t grow up. I want to know so badly how I’d feel today if the newborn me was born into a loving family and was held as soon as I came out of my near death birth. What kind of life would I have today? How would I feel in a relationship with Angel, or with any man that I’ve had feelings for? Would I have cried so many tears in a lifetime? 

At the end of the day I was in a bad mood because of Richard and also Little N’s school admission. Our school wants me to translate his joint evaluation report into English and I’d been spending hours working on it even with ChatGPT. I worked on it all day at work and still haven’t finished it.

After work I left the office with Jinu at the same time. He asked me what I was gonna do this weekend and I told him “nothing”. He said “that sounds nice” and I said “no…it’s not a good nothing.” He asked why, and I couldn’t quite verbalize it. Then he said “you seem anxious today”. And I smiled and said, “you’re good at picking up on these things”. So I told him what was bothering me. As I go through the process of applying Little N to our school, I still have the anxiety of him not being able to get in because our school dismissed my older son Little O in pre-k after just 9 days. Even tho the people and the system are changing, I’m still afraid they might do the same thing. What are my evidences? I spoke to the director of belonging (a new hire this year) about creating an affinity group for parents of special needs, and he mentioned that there are people in our community who think affinity groups are actually exclusive. Call me paranoid, but I don’t feel good when he mentioned that to me because that means he might yield to those people. Affinity groups are so harmless and yet he had to tell me there are opposing forces at our school. A few days ago our head of school at our school wide address said that our students’ parents are the “customers” the “clients”, which makes me feel that in the end the director of belonging would yield to the parents and what our school told me before—we’re transitioning to become more inclusive and to create an academy for special education will all be killed.

Then Jinu said it’s like if you’ve watched your friend get killed by a jaguar you’d be afraid to go into the forest again. I said yeah but I wanna go into the forest again and even play with the jaguar. He said yeah you learn to be more careful and how to be safe when you go into the forest again.

I also told him that the local school where Little N will be placed thinks he’s cognitively ready for the first grade but I don’t think so. He was born in late August so I want him to delay matriculation by a year. Jinu told me that he had to repeat the first grade too and I said that’s very common in the US but doesn’t happen here. He totally understands that Asians do not want social stigmas. He also told me that when he was teaching in the US and teaching AP government, the school wanted him to teach 9th graders in the class to boost their AP scores. They claimed that 9th graders are ready for AP classes cognitively but Jinu thought they were only looking at one aspect of their life; the students had all the other things going on in their life and they needed a balance. I totally agreed with him and told him that I have the guts not to let my kids play his game because as someone who succeeded in this system I know the cost is way too high. But if both here and US are playing the same games, that means I’m still an exile. He also said that I am living with resistance and the cost of it is high. 

What makes me sad is that I wish he hadn’t stayed with me and talked to me and understood me so well, because I do have feelings for him and it’d be easier if he simply couldn’t feel me or understand me.

Saturday was just another day running errands. The weather was so perfect—sunny, dry and cold with clear blue sky. It’s exactly the weather I loved back in the City of Gold. Then I really had this impulse to go to the north coast and bike on the coastline so I decided to text Jinu.

2026/1/10, 12:05:09 PM] Me: The weather is so nice this weekend. You interested in biking?

[2026/1/10, 12:06:22 PM] Me: https://maps.app.goo.gl/somewhere I feel like going back there

[2026/1/10, 4:27:09 PM] Jinu: Oh shoot! Sorry for replying so late. I was with some friends in Xinyi. Did you go on a bike ride?

[2026/1/10, 4:27:49 PM] Me: No. I meant tomorrow.

[2026/1/10, 4:29:31 PM] Jinu: I got dragon boat in the morning but I want to check out ikea about some furniture. What time are you thinking about going? (I don’t have a bike btw)

[2026/1/10, 4:33:22 PM] Me: I’m thinking 11am. You don’t need a bike. I’m renting an e-bike when I get there.

[2026/1/10, 4:41:07 PM] Jinu: Ah ok. It might depend on how I feel after practice. I can get home by 10:45-11:00. Can I be a soft yes?

[2026/1/10, 5:46:36 PM] Me: Sure. I don’t want to keep messing up your IKEA shopping

[2026/1/10, 5:49:25 PM] Jinu: It might be really busy on the weekends so who know if it’s better on a weeknight.

[2026/1/10, 5:52:51 PM] Me: I find it stressful to go there on weekends because I can barely push the shopping cart around and the neihu store doesn’t have most furniture ready on site

[2026/1/10, 5:53:49 PM] Jinu: Haha right? Maybe this is a weeknight activity

[2026/1/10, 6:01:28 PM] Me: Anyway up to you. I already disrupted your IKEA trip once😅

[2026/1/10, 6:03:49 PM] Jinu: I forgot about the first one haha

[2026/1/11, 10:06:36 AM] Jinu: Hey Kendra, I’m leaving Xindian now. I don’t think I can get back in time to Tianmu.

[2026/1/11, 10:14:09 AM] Me: I can pick you up from where you are

[2026/1/11, 10:14:42 AM] Jinu: I got to shower first to wash the sweat and river water.

[2026/1/11, 10:15:57 AM] Me: Haha got it. No problem.

[2026/1/11, 10:16:28 AM] Me: I can wait for you if you really wanna go

[2026/1/11, 10:16:39 AM] Me: But if you’re tired then it’s totally fine

[2026/1/11, 10:16:39 AM] Jinu: Normally it wouldn’t matter but last time I waited to shower at the end of the day, my skin got rashes.

[2026/1/11, 10:18:57 AM] Jinu: I would go but Ive had disrupted sleep last night. I woke up at 3 am because a mosquito bit my hand and arm 4x. So I woke up and sat in bed to catch it. Right when I was about to give up, I remembered your advice to look at the ceiling and walls. And I FOUND IT!! And killed it. There was blood.

[2026/1/11, 10:20:05 AM] Me: Haha sounds satisfying 🤣

[2026/1/11, 10:20:10 AM] Me: You should take it easy then

[2026/1/11, 10:20:34 AM] Jinu: It took weeks to find!!

[2026/1/11, 10:20:54 AM] Jinu: If it was a Saturday, I’d come with you! That tunnel looks fun!!

[2026/1/11, 10:24:33 AM] Me: Some other time. It’s more than a tunnel. It’s a 20km loop around the north coast

[2026/1/11, 10:24:51 AM] Jinu: Oh ok. I would have died.

[2026/1/11, 10:25:51 AM] Jinu: I was gonna tell you during our car chat this but text will have to do. I went on a date last night!

[2026/1/11, 10:26:14 AM] Me: Aww how did it go

[2026/1/11, 10:28:58 AM] Jinu: It was good. It was about 3 hours so I guess you can say we enjoyed each other’s company. It’s a bit complicated because she’s heading back to London for work (she lives there) but she’s trying to move to the City of Rain. So as of now, we’re keeping in touch and trying to get to know each other.

[2026/1/11, 10:37:15 AM] Me: Is she a City of Rainer? I was hoping for something juicy like it could be someone I know.🤣

[2026/1/11, 10:37:23 AM] Jinu: Yea

[2026/1/11, 10:37:32 AM] Me: Yea to which question?

[2026/1/11, 10:37:35 AM] JC Kao: 🤣

[2026/1/11, 10:37:46 AM] Jinu: But was born and grew up in Vancouver.

[2026/1/11, 10:37:49 AM] Jinu: 😂😂

[2026/1/11, 10:37:59 AM] Me: Ok yea to the first one not the second one

[2026/1/11, 10:38:02 AM] Me: 🤣

[2026/1/11, 10:38:03 AM] Jinu: Yes to first question

[2026/1/11, 10:38:23 AM] Me: So it’s someone from online?

[2026/1/11, 10:38:28 AM] Jinu: Yaaaa

[2026/1/11, 10:38:33 AM] Jinu: She chose me

[2026/1/11, 10:38:40 AM] Me: lol

[2026/1/11, 10:38:45 AM] Me: When you say it like that

[2026/1/11, 10:38:56 AM] Me: It almost sounds like destiny 🤣

[2026/1/11, 10:39:36 AM] Jinu: This is gonna require a lot of it for sure.

[2026/1/11, 10:41:29 AM] Me: Lol wait

[2026/1/11, 10:41:37 AM] Me: You felt love at first sight already?

[2026/1/11, 10:43:39 AM] Jinu: Oh no no I feel after my last relationship, I’m more tempered now. I like her enough to keep talking but I want to truly get to know her. But because of the circumstances, I feel it will require destiny if this turns into something more serious and long term.

[2026/1/11, 10:44:20 AM] Me: Yes. Exactly how I feel.

[2026/1/11, 10:46:04 AM] Jinu: I can always count on you for your perception!

[2026/1/11, 10:46:11 AM] Jinu: I did bring up the topic and I appreciated how clear she was.

[2026/1/11, 10:46:31 AM] Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea 😅

[2026/1/11, 10:46:45 AM] Me: How old is she

[2026/1/11, 10:46:44 AM] Jinu: Haha why?

[2026/1/11, 10:46:48 AM] Jinu: 36

[2026/1/11, 10:46:55 AM] Jinu: Older than me

[2026/1/11, 10:47:24 AM] Me: I think I’m not mature enough…or experienced enough…or healed enough. Whichever one it is

[2026/1/11, 10:54:29 AM] Jinu: I’ll still take it into account haha

[2026/1/11, 10:54:54 AM] Jinu: I think both of us are too old enough to play games.

[2026/1/11, 12:00:29 PM] Me: Yeah. Life is too short to be wasted on games

[2026/1/11, 12:00:41 PM] Me: I just arrived at the coastline

‎[2026/1/11, 12:00:55 PM] Me: ‎image omitted I’m imagining myself in California. 

[2026/1/11, 12:41:43 PM] Jinu: Wooooow

[2026/1/11, 12:41:53 PM] Jinu: It does give off California!

[2026/1/11, 12:42:17 PM] Jinu: We were pretty clear in what we’re looking for and values.

[2026/1/11, 12:42:27 PM] Jinu: What did you have for lunch?

[2026/1/11, 12:43:43 PM] Me: Haven’t had it yet, but I’m planning I get the local delicacy which is squid vermicelli or congee and fresh catch cutlass fish. For only 150ntd

[2026/1/11, 1:01:26 PM] Jinu: Cutlass fish!!!

[2026/1/11, 1:01:36 PM] Jinu: Please send me a picture

‎[2026/1/11, 1:05:32 PM] Me: ‎image omitted

[2026/1/11, 1:05:53 PM] Me: The weather here is like perfect City of Rain weather. 13 degrees, dry and sunny.

‎[2026/1/11, 1:08:11 PM] Me: ‎image omitted

[2026/1/11, 1:38:25 PM] Jinu: That looks so good!!

‎[2026/1/11, 2:21:23 PM] Me: ‎image omitted

[2026/1/11, 2:21:41 PM] Me: I rode to the City of East Coast from new City of Rain and then back to new City of Rain.

[2026/1/11, 3:13:07 PM] Jinu: Wow!!

[2026/1/11, 3:15:29 PM] Me:

‎[2026/1/11, 3:15:30 PM] Me: ‎video omitted

‎[2026/1/11, 3:15:30 PM] Me: ‎image omitted

[2026/1/11, 3:16:48 PM] Me: I saw several Harley Davidson clubs and one Volkswagen Beetle club driving on this route today. Perfect weather!!

[2026/1/11, 6:18:43 PM] Jinu: I definitely missed out!

[2026/1/11, 6:38:40 PM] Me: Wish I could find a Sienna club and do a coastline drive with them😌

[2026/1/11, 8:17:37 PM] Jinu: Oh that would be grand

****

The moment he said that he went on a date last night, my heart completely sank. But you know what, I had predicted it. I had visualized the moment a few times before—I knew once he’s found someone to date, we would never go on our outings again and he’d never have the same conversations with me. As you can see I’ve been very chill and adult like in the chat, but I had cried my eyes out as soon as I got on the road for the scenic drive and bike ride. At one point on the bike, I screamed: you were supposed to be doing this with me but you didn’t come! And then I started crying. At another stop, I was alone in a pavilion looking at the ocean waves, and I cried and yelled at the waves: why am I always so alone???? Where the fuck are you??? And then I cried again. (No one could hear me because the ocean’s sounds took over all other sounds and there were barely anyone there anyway.)

I tried to focus on photography. I had my tripod and my phone with me and I kept reminding myself to take photos because it helped me focus on the present visuals and when you give purpose to a day trip like this, your mind sometimes exits the grief mode. Sometimes I wonder if Ivan feels what I feel whenever I take a photo—I’d look at my surroundings, find an angle that gives the best structure and decide what to fit into my photo. Then my mind would just be focused on what I see and try to encapsulate what I see into a picture that stays in my phone forever.

On the other hand, the camera cannot capture everything I see—the proportions of things shown in a photo is never the same as what you see with your bare eyes. More importantly, photos and videos cannot capture the smell of the salty ocean, the touch of humidity on my skin, the icy cold wind trapped in my hair. There have been so many times when I feel the sun or the moon is so big in real life but my camera just can’t catch that. In these situations I’d tell myself to just focus on my senses and not take photos at all.

Somehow my crying today reminded me of Robyn from How I Met Your Mother. She cried her eyes out when Ted started dating Victoria even though she was the one who broke up with Ted. And I think that was how she and Barney ended up sleeping together. I felt that moment so strongly today: I wish I could just be cool and happy that Jinu is going on dates, but when no one is looking I cry my eyes out. Sure, you can say I wish he would choose me, I wish he would realize that we could spend 8 hours together talking and laughing nonstop, I wish he would think of me as special and want to cherish me. I wish for all these things but he doesn’t feel that way. Nobody ever feels that way about me. My therapist asked me to catch myself when these negative thoughts emerge and to tell myself these negatives voices aren’t mine, but it’s been so hard to do. It hurts less for me to just believe that nobody would want to be a part of my messed up life—a life that’s really not about me at all. Before I met Angel, everyone thought my upbringing was messed up and didn’t want to touch my life; now I have two special needs kids and even though I’ve cut myself off from my birth family, people still find my life messed up and would not touch my life, let along walk beside me through the storms. Just no one.

The Writing Space

Recently I joined a club hosted by a coworker for writing because Jinu told me about it and I found it interesting. Every Thursday we just get together to write and this English teacher would give us prompts for us to work on. Today was my first time going there. 

So here’s the prompt:

Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet:

“I want to beg you, as much as I can, dear sir, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

And then we were asked to provide some random questions from or not from the prompt and then they collected the questions. We then each drew a question from the box and we could decide whether to use it or not for our writing. Then we had 20 minutes to write.

So here the question I got: who do I want my children to be?

I decided to go with the question and here’s my writing:

I don’t know. I guess the question I need to first answer is “who do I want my inner child to be?”

Everyone has an inner child living inside of them. Some inner children are louder so that we are aware of them, while some are quieter, hiding in the corner so that we have forgotten about them, or if we acknowledge their presence our current reality could be destabilized. Maybe they are too scared to make a noise, because at one point in our life, we were penalized for being too loud; maybe they are genuinely curious about the world so that they prefer to be quietly observing their surroundings before they decide to speak up.

That inner child is powerful. Despite being fragile, they connect to this world instinctively, without much education or verbalization. They know very well how they feel and they have no fear in expressing them, until the world starts to tame them. Sometimes that child was tamed too early so that they did not have the time or opportunity to ask real important questions about the world. Those questions became unsolved to them but they still sit somewhere when they become adults. Sometimes it feels like we have spent a lifetime trying to figure out the answers to some questions that we don’t even know how to ask precisely. For example, when we ask, “Who do I want my children to be?” What exactly is being? Does it happen in the present moment or does it happen in the future? Is it “who” or is it “what”? Do we define “who” by someone’s actions by their values, their beliefs, or identity markers? If I say “I just want my children to be happy and healthy,” do happiness and health make who they are?

A deeper question I sense here is “what is actually the purpose we’re looking for in our own life, not necessarily in our children’s life?” Many parents have filled their 24 hours a day with endless activities that they believe will contribute to their children’s growth, without really knowing what they themselves are really pursuing in their life. Those activities, supported by data, psychological and medical research, could contribute to their children’s growth, but only on an aggregate level. What if a child, or any human being is unique, one-and-only in this world that what they truly wish for is to be felt, understood, and held before the world tells them to go quiet and be like everyone else, or to fit into some labels and adjectives? Then the answer is for them to just live with all their senses, and perhaps one day they will live to find out the answers.

*****

When I shared my writing with the group, everyone was silent for like 5 seconds, and then the host said, “Kendra that’s really powerful.” I said “thank you.”

Then Angel was interested in the club and my writing so I showed him my writing. All he could say was, “this was really good. With only 20 minutes? How many people there were non-native speakers?” Then he made a comment that my writing would challenge a lot of my coworkers’ parenting, and then he started talking about his coworkers struggling with the education system.

I just couldn’t feel any resonance from Angel’s comments. If anyone is reading my stuff, I’d want them to resonate with my points about the “inner child”, the suppressed voice, etc, but obviously Angel has zero clue about those things. I wonder if anyone else in the club understood what I said except for Jinu, because he was nodding the whole time when I was reading my writing out loud.

The unknown

Today was supposed to be our students’ first day back to school but I had to take the morning off to take Little N to the hospital for his joint evaluation. The rehab doctor said that even though the orthopedic doctor said his hip dysplasia was still borderline abnormal and it seemed to be moving towards positive healing, from her experience kids with this condition usually suffer from tremendous pain in their 20s and a surgery in their 20s would be much bigger than one now. When I heard this I immediately had terror in my heart. Upon his birth Little N fought through VSD and I spent the entire first year of his life researching heart surgeries and fortunately his heart healed on its own. Then they discovered his retractile testicle and at one point there could also be a need for a surgery but then again, after some tracking it seems to be fine and no surgery is needed so far. Hip dysplasia is something he was born with and we’ve been tracking it upon birth and it has always been a borderline abnormality. The rehab doctor feels pessimistic because his gross motor skills are quite delayed—he can’t balance well compared to kids of his age, but autism could also affect balance and coordination.

His IQ test result is below average but his visual reasoning is way above average. His communication and language use is also behind the curve, but he’s fully bilingual and he’s constantly giving lectures to others. I hate standardized tests but I still feel anxious about whether he could be admitted to our school or not. I really hope he could be admitted because that would save me so much money and logistical arrangements.

In the evening I had another huge fight with Angel again, and it’s about the settlement again. His child support includes costs of education and medicine but given our kids’ special needs they spend more money than the child support he offers. No matter how much I tried to explain my invisible unpaid labor to make their education work for them he just couldn’t accept it. He’s fixated on the fact that he’s spending all his salary on the kids and can’t and won’t spend more money than he makes, even though he’s got a lot of assets from his family money and will have more when his dad dies. In the end I told him what the rehab doctor said to me and my tears just rolled down again. I wanted to hire a physical therapist to work with Little N every day for six months because if his hips don’t improve he will need a surgery, and given the child support in our settlement it doesn’t seem to be able to cover that, although our health insurance pays for 90% of it.

In the end I told him I will sign the settlement the way it is, because I don’t want to have another fight with him anymore. I don’t want to be vulnerable in front of him anymore because in the past 10 years, every time when I tried to convince him of something, it would not work until I told him what scared me.m and cried. And I hate that because he should understand and feel me enough to know my motivation and feelings behind those requests. For example, when I wanted to buy a car, I told him I couldn’t handle taxi drivers saying shit about my kids in the car and driving recklessly and all he cared about was that taxi rides for life cost less than owning a car. In the end I had to cry and yell so that he could understand that I wanted a safe, warm family life for the kids. To me, when he granted my wish at that point he had already lost my heart, because he had to make me feel so much pain before I could get something that we deserved.

During our divorce process I had cried many times similar to this situation and I am tired. I just want to get it signed soon and move on. I don’t want to fight and feel invisible and misunderstood again and again.

Today Eric texted me again. Somehow I’m already thinking about blocking him. He told me he’s been blocked by “friends” before, and I think I now know why.

2026/1/6, 12:34:03 PM] Eric: back at work?

[2026/1/6, 12:48:56 PM] Me: Yes

[2026/1/6, 12:49:00 PM] Me: PD yesterday

[2026/1/6, 12:49:19 PM] Me: You?

[2026/1/6, 12:54:46 PM] Eric: still unemployed..haha

[2026/1/6, 12:54:53 PM] Eric: but wife is back at work this week

(Me thinking: I didn’t ask about your wife but why do you mention your wife? You think I fucking care about your wife? Or you want me to care about your wife?)

[2026/1/6, 12:58:39 PM] Me: You moving away from Manila?

[2026/1/6, 1:03:04 PM] Eric: yes, wife filed her notice

[2026/1/6, 1:03:10 PM] Eric:  moving out at the end of the school year

[2026/1/6, 1:06:30 PM] Me: To where?

[2026/1/6, 1:10:56 PM] Eric: that's TBD. i'm working on several options.

[2026/1/6, 1:11:19 PM] Me: And she’ll just be jobless?

[2026/1/6, 1:11:46 PM] Eric: taking a break, yes

[2026/1/6, 1:11:53 PM] Eric: she's never had time off since she started working

[2026/1/6, 1:13:30 PM] Me: So have I, not even after two c-secs lol

[2026/1/6, 1:13:35 PM] Me: How nice

[2026/1/6, 1:14:02 PM] Eric: her career is still in good shape, so she can just get another job whenever she wants

(Me thinking: why are your so defensive of her? I didn’t even question anything.)

[2026/1/6, 1:14:26 PM] Me: I never see myself that way

[2026/1/6, 1:14:34 PM] Eric: yeah, weird

[2026/1/6, 1:14:40 PM] Me: Weird?

[2026/1/6, 1:14:46 PM] Eric: you see yourself as ultra-competent

[2026/1/6, 1:14:51 PM] Me: For someone who’s lived thru the financial crisis?

[2026/1/6, 1:14:52 PM] Eric: but you don't see your career as in good shape

[2026/1/6, 1:15:04 PM] Me: You don’t leave any gap year on your LinkedIn

[2026/1/6, 1:15:19 PM] Me: No gap year on resume

[2026/1/6, 1:15:22 PM] Eric: i have the same sense, but other people call me paranoid or pessimistic

[2026/1/6, 1:15:35 PM] Me: This is like college career service workshop 101 rule

[2026/1/6, 1:15:45 PM] Eric: lol we're not in college anymore

[2026/1/6, 1:15:54 PM] Me: Sure. Even grad school

[2026/1/6, 1:16:05 PM] Me: Or actually on LinkedIn I get random people asking me for jobs

[2026/1/6, 1:16:12 PM] Eric: she has some ideas for things to put on her CV during the downtime

[2026/1/6, 1:16:21 PM] Me: I don’t ever want to be in that position again

[2026/1/6, 1:16:34 PM] Eric: hah, you're lucky to have that

[2026/1/6, 1:16:44 PM] Me: Whatever you put down on CV it’ll just show as gap year

[2026/1/6, 1:18:03 PM] Eric: that kind of thinking is lame

[2026/1/6, 1:18:34 PM] Me: Not how I think

[2026/1/6, 1:18:38 PM] Me: But how recruiters think

[2026/1/6, 1:18:40 PM] Eric: personally i never held it against applicants when they applied for positions at my company

[2026/1/6, 1:18:52 PM] Me: Your company is not big……

[2026/1/6, 1:18:54 PM] Me: Lol

[2026/1/6, 1:19:09 PM] Me: All the recruiters at large firms do this

[2026/1/6, 1:19:09 PM] Eric: which means i had to actually hire quality people, not just a credential

[2026/1/6, 1:19:21 PM] Me: Ok sure

[2026/1/6, 1:19:44 PM] Eric: by itself, it doesn't have practical relevance

(Me thinking: you sound so much like my dad. He decided to quit his finance career and started a restaurant but all he talks about even now are the “amazing” things he had done when he was in finance. You’re fucking jobless and don’t even have a lead and I don’t give a shit about what you had done when you had a job.)

[2026/1/6, 1:20:12 PM] Eric: in her case, she has good relationships with a number of previous bosses who actively help her with job hunting

[2026/1/6, 1:23:43 PM] JC Kao: Ok

(Me thinking: do you have zero self-esteem now so that you can only flex about your wife, nothing else?)

[2026/1/6, 1:23:57 PM] Me: That’s her circumstance. I’m talking about myself.

[2026/1/6, 1:50:04 PM] Eric: i know

[2026/1/6, 1:51:21 PM] Eric: just think of the alternative. you've lived approximately half your lifespan, but your health span may be shorter than that. do you really want to spend your entire healthy life working full-time with no breaks?

[2026/1/6, 1:51:48 PM] Eric: make your fears and regrets fight each other 😎

[2026/1/6, 1:54:45 PM] Me: I work only 190 days a year. How many more breaks do I need?

[2026/1/6, 1:55:29 PM] Me: Besides I love my job and my colleagues. My HRV is 30% higher during work days than my breaks.

[2026/1/6, 2:04:50 PM] Eric: Hahaha. You’re the opposite of 過勞死

[2026/1/6, 2:05:26 PM] Eric: You’re in danger of 缺勞死

[2026/1/6, 2:05:36 PM] Me: lol sounds about right

[2026/1/6, 2:05:49 PM] Eric: Or your actual labor is far greater at home

[2026/1/6, 2:05:54 PM] Me: I spent the whole morning at the hospital with my son and I had to leave home earlier than a regular work day

[2026/1/6, 2:06:05 PM] Me: For my entire break I never had more than 6 hours of sleep

[2026/1/6, 2:06:06 PM] Eric: Ouch

[2026/1/6, 2:06:08 PM] Me: Per day

[2026/1/6, 2:06:13 PM] Eric: Ouch

[2026/1/6, 2:06:33 PM] Me: I operate on 5 to 6 hours of sleep every day for years

[2026/1/6, 5:21:37 PM] Eric: talking with you is a fantastic form of birth control 🤭

[2026/1/6, 6:58:09 PM] Me: Not everyone has the bandwidth and capacity to be a parent. It’s better for the world if those people don’t have kids. When I was getting Down’s syndrome screening during my pregnancy, I told myself that if the result was positive I would still not have an abortion. I have loved children since I was a child.

Parts

Work started today. My HRV has been higher today than any other day during the break. I have discovered my pattern—my HRV is lower during sleep than during the day when I’m awake, and my HRV during breaks is almost 30% lower than what it is during my work days. In conclusion, I feel less stress when I’m at work than when I am on vacation, having to face Angel, his family, and my fears during quiet alone times.

I was a bit nervous for work today; I always get nightmares when a long break ends. My nightmare before work today was about Jinu, but I couldn’t remember what he said to me—it was something mean and I got so activated during sleep.

Yes, I did miss him during the break and I had wondered how we’d feel when we saw each other at work today, but the good thing was that I wasn’t really anxious. Then again, why would I have a nightmare about him if I wasn’t feeling anxious?

Recently I’ve been working on Janina Fisher’s “Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors” and I’m starting to see that the different voices I have in my head belong to different parts of myself so I need to learn to communicate with them to achieve a fully integrated adult self that is neutral and calm. So now I want to write about my day while trying to identify where my feelings came from.

Jinu and I spent a lot of time chatting at work again. We caught up about our break—he said he had some dramas with his family, especially with his brother and I told him about my drama with Angel’s parents. Because his stepdad is a WASP from New England so he really hates Angel’s parents from just the stories I’ve told him. He also talked about the tension he had with his brother when he was back home; his brother seems to be a very successful but also narcissistic Wall Street guy, making a ton of money at age only 32 who goes on a different date every week. I tried to get intel from Jinu about a new director who I think could make an impact to inclusion, and at one point I joked that if this new director is charismatic that just means he knows what to say to different people but it doesn’t mean he’d commit to one cause so I need to figure out a way to charm him, maybe show my cleavage or something. The Jinu said “ok but you’re not dressed for that today”. I laughed and said, “this is workplace harassment!”

Ok now my different parts have different voices. One part thinks today was so much fun with Jinu and that he was so sweet to spend so much time on such a busy work day with me (maybe almost 2 hours in total) out of an 8-hour packed professional development day. Which part is thinking this? The little girl part? My adult part?

Then a smaller part of me still thinks that he doesn’t care about me and that he does this for everyone, every friend. Today the college counselor who I thought had a crush on him came into our office to chat with him again. They were speaking their native language most of the time so I couldn’t understand it. A part of me felt jealous, trying to confirm that he chats about equally deep and fun things with everyone, not only with me. OK, this part is probably my hurt child part—the part that has a really hard time believing that I am special and I deserve better than others. Actually at one point of our conversation Jinu said that he doesn’t do talk shop with everyone although he does that with me. He told me when he hangs out with the director he’d almost talk about grocery and superficial things. OK even with some evidence right here this part of me still has a hard time believing in herself.

Today I had a separate discussion with SpongeBob in my office. He used to be pretty mean to me over the 9 years we’ve been working together, but he seem to be somewhat different recently because he has a pretty serious local gf now and this girl has changed a lot of the ways he thinks. So today somehow we ended up talking about relationships and how to make choices, what security is. He has a somewhat transactional view, as in, “why would I invest so much emotionally without knowing how the other person feels about me?” I told him I’d never chase a man because it had never ended well for me; even with Angel, I’d say he chased me first and I did so many, too many things for him because I knew that’d make him stay. As long as I could do things he couldn’t do then he’d need me. I was right. So at this point I just don’t want to chase anyone anymore, but the two men in the conversation both thought they wanted the woman to initiate. The other guy is married for almost 25 years. From my observation, these men may be passive in the beginning, but once they know a woman likes them, they begin to take care of her. Somehow this experience has never occurred to me. Whenever I revealed to a man that I’d like to take things to the next level, he left. Even my relationship with Ivan had a bumpy start and he was hesitant and emotionally tangled with D, who he later married. A part of me wonders—why can’t a man just find me so special and cherish-able so that they’re willing to take the risk to escalate? Eric couldn’t escalate despite all the things he had said to me so the other option is to terminate. Which part of me says this? Maybe the abandoned infant self upon birth? I fought so hard to stay alive given my near death experience at birth and yet my own mother would not see me or hold me.

There’s one more part of me that hates myself for feeling happy and laughing out loud whenever I talk to Jinu. This part wishes I don’t have to feel so much joy when hanging out with him. Maybe this is the “protector part” of myself? This part is trying to protect my heart from another disappointment. This is still the little girl of me tho—because at age 5 I already learned to hold back my tears to protect my mom’s feelings and never told her that my nanny and teachers at school had slapped me on my face and beat me upside down on my feet with bamboo sticks. I had no adult I could trust, so when Jinu brings me so much joy and is always protective of me whenever I told him how random people threatened me on the street, this protector part of me is afraid that it’s just another person who’s going to hurt me even tho they’re supposed to protect and take care of me.

There’s one more part of me that wonders what Richard and I will be doing if Richard does land in the City of Rain on Friday. What will we talk about? Will we still laugh like 20 years ago? Will he still feel an irresistible charm in me? Ok so which part of me is thinking about this? I have no idea.