Love

Sometimes I do feel like saying those three words to Angel, but then my rationality always pulls me back by telling me that we've been together for less than a month; it'd be insane if I say those three words to him now.

I haven't been able to update because life is hectic. Like I said before, my work schedule and Angel's are the exact opposite and we only get to see each other once every week, since on way commute takes over an hour. During the day, we only get to talk for like 30 minutes on Skype and just a few text messages in between. But it doesn't make me feel insecure at all.

But not everything is perfect. For example, last Saturday I went to his place to hang out after work. Somehow I just felt shut down when I saw him. Maybe it was my period, menstrual cramps, and the fact that I was still high on testosterone and adrenaline from the lecture I gave in the morning. So while we were hanging out, there were a few moments at the beginning when I felt completely withdrawn and wondered if I'd see him again. I was finding reasons to pull myself out because I was terrified of finally having what I had always wanted. I kept focusing on his scoliosis and noticed that sometimes it was a bit obvious that he walked differently and that his chest and back were indeed uneven. I started to picture the risk of our kids getting scoliosis and thought that was a good reason to take an exit from the relationship.

And guess what happened? I told him the truth that sometimes I felt disconnected from him. We had a discussion about this, about his experience in the past, etc. I can't even remember the details, but all I can remember is that at one point he said, "I just have a feeling that we're going to be closer after this." And somehow we did get closer. I can't remember how the conversation went but he, or just who he is, makes me want to accept all the risks and be fearless. That's the magic between us since before we even met--I have never felt insecure or afraid when he's around.

He hand wrote me two other letters again but I was too busy to type them down. Here's the first one:

10/2/2015

Dear KJ,

It's hard for me to believe that it's just 5 days since we first met...and that we've only met in person twice... And that it's only 15 days since I first heard from you. (How did it take 10 days for us to meet? I guess it was that I didn't cancel other plans I had. :-( ) Anyway, I say all this to try to illustrate how close to you I already feel and how good and natural it is too <3 <3 <3 :-)
I feel so totally comfortable around you that I don't know how to express it except with gratitude and affection. Time with you, even if it's just time talking on the phone, is so bright that it makes everything else a pale shadow by comparison. With you, everything seems different from time to my body, to the air itself. It hope this makes sense. What I want to say is that you're wonderful and that you literally change how I see the world. <3 p="">
Thank you KJ! Angel


10/11/2015
Dear KJ,

I'm sitting at my gate at the Richard's City Airport and thinking of you. It's hard for me to believe we only met two weeks ago today because life with you is so natural and when I don't get to talk to you I feel a void. Your absence reminds me of your presencen.

Alex and I had a really nice time here. He's not only an incredibly nice guy but also great to travel with since he's organized and also easygoing. He's also incredibly observant. Our first day here we went to the City of Eggs which actually wasn't as interesting as we expected. Outside the casino area it's fully run down and while the bits of Portuguese architecture are pretty, there aren't too many of them. In the evening we had dim sum and took the ferry which was gorgeous, or rather the views were. Much more impressive even than the City of Money from the water. We did a lot of hiking on Saturday, which was nice, and then met friends from work at a _________ in the night life area. Today we visited the Blue Orchid Island--a big Buddhist temple and a fishing village called TU (where we had tasty doughnuts) and then came back for a last meal of local specialties.

So that's the story of our trip, which has been very nice, and what is even nicer is that I get to see you tomorrow. One thing I appreciate about living in the City of Rain is that I always feel glad to return home, no matter how nice my trip has been. That feeling is now a thousand times stronger (actually more than that because returning to the City of Rain means I'll have to chance to see you and hold you.

I'm really glad that I got to hear your voice just now, even though it was only for a little while. It's so nice to hear your laugh and to think of you in my arms I hope you're much less sore today. That sounds like quite an impressive hike!

The fact you're really this means I've seen you and given it to you. That makes me so happy and so do you KJ!
<3 Angel