Disparities

I haven't been able to write recently because my bff from the City of Power, Jane, came to visit me in the City of Rain and I had been showing her around. As a result, parts of my work have been delayed, and I barely have time to catch up with Angel.

So tonight after work, I had a 2-hour conversation with Angel on Skype. At first it was all good, until he was about to hang up and go to sleep, which was the last 10 minutes I guess. I felt exhausted sleepy too and hadn't finished the preparation work for my class tomorrow morning, but I simply didn't want to hang up the phone because I could talk with him all day and night nonstop till the end of time. It felt irritating that he had to hang up because he had to sleep, again.

He also had the cold. All the factors above should warrant my consideration, empathy, and sympathy for him right? I should have been grateful simply for the fact that he waited until 10pm after I finished so we could talk, right? But there's a paradoxical voice inside of me that's telling me the opposite: he goes to bed at fucking 8:30p every day while I go to bed at 3 or 4 a.m. and get up at 10 or 11 a.m. Why can't he, a big man, sleep less and be more energetic? Why can't he be stronger than me? Why can't he be more masculine than me?

Stuff like that has been piling up lately. The first incident was when I went out in the crazy storm when that mega hurricane hit to see him and got completely drenched and stuck on the subway for 2 hours, not getting anywhere, and eventually home while he didn't even bother to leave his apartment the entire time because the power at his place went out for a minute and there was no bus running in his neighborhood; there was no bus running in my neighborhood but I called a cab instead.

The second incident was when another guy friend of mine went to a hiking event with me and some people from my alumni network but it turned out that he couldn't drive and gave up on the hike when we were just 10 minutes in. It gets on my nerves whenever I see a man who's unable to do what I can do. I don't know why; I've been trying to convince myself that there are things that he can do but I can't, but usually it's me who's capable of doing more things than a man can. And even if he can do something that I can't, I can probably be proficient in it after learning and practicing. But I digressed--the point is, this incident triggered me even though that guy friend wasn't someone I was romantically interested in because Angel can't drive either.

The third incident happened when Jane was here and I was planning to take her and Angel to a town for whisky and hot springs and awesome roast chicken. But Angel said a couple of days before the trip that there might be another storm according to the forecast and if there was "torrential" rain there he wouldn't leave the house. That incident got us fighting for a while because it reminded me of that crazy storm day when I, against all odds, left the house and got on public transits to see him while he didn't make any effort. And now he would ditch us if there would be fucking rain again. Even Jane herself wouldn't bail out on the trip if there was torrential rain. But of course, our conflict was resolved after he understood that I would risk my safety and health to get to him and the weather shouldn't be a factor for him to come to me. And guess what? The storm disappeared the day before our trip; in other words, we argued over something that didn't even happen. Fuck.

And then there was tonight. Yes, he caught the cold, so did I. In fact I had crazy allergies yesterday that made breathing or speaking on stage very difficult, but I still went through the day. I get terribly allergic about once per week and it's nothing less than a regular cold. But I just don't give a shit to my physical or mental well-being and always finish whatever I have do for work or for other people in my life. I've been trained to ignore my wellbeing my entire life in pursuit of academic success, approval, reputation, and wealth. But Angel puts his wellbeing in front of everything/everyone else. Yes, that's how one should live their life, but at this point, I probably still don't love myself enough to do that to myself.

So speaking of my own wellbeing, recently I've been really frustrated by some fucking arrogant snooty disrespectful students who think they're the one who's paying and entitled to demand whatever "service" they need from me. These fucking jerks are lazy, stupid, and never appreciative of the things I do for them. I've been upset because of this for at least 36 hours now and it hasn't gone away because I haven't been able to have a good cry. So when Angel was going to be the first one to hang up the phone tonight, all the things mentioned above are resurfacing and triggering me all at once. I got angry and wouldn't blow him a kiss goodnight and he couldn't fall asleep because he felt that he said or did something wrong and wasn't inadequate to be my boyfriend.

Now you see something familiar?

Yes, Ivan. This is the exact reason why Ivan, and many other men (and female friends actually) broke up with me. They weren't able to make me happy so they walked away. Why couldn't I just let him go to sleep when he wanted to? Why did I have to feel upset? I FUCKING DON'T KNOW. The truth is, I wished I weren't upset by these things so everything couldn't be easy and happy. Did I expect too much? Honestly, with Angel, I've really lowered a lot of things. Maybe I've been under a lot of pain and insecurity with people at work lately that I just wanted to hang on to Angel, to our conversation so I could feel safe. I wish I didn't have to feel so lonely or scared so easily and become so clingy. I wish I could be a daddy's girl so I'd be a perfect match for a mommy's boy, i.e. Angel. (Here I'm simply using "daddy's girl" and "mommy's boy" to refer to people who have received lots of emotional support and care from their parents when growing up.)

Also, Ivan just became a dad, while I'm nowhere near there. He's changed so much with this girl D. When we were dating, he told me he hated dogs and killed dogs when he was back home. But a while ago I saw a picture of him licking the head of a dog that he keeps with his wife on his Instagram. He's now a husband, father, business owner, dog lover, everything I could never have. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?