Empathy

Empathy is very much needed in our fucked up world today.

Tonight my mom told me that one of her students committed suicide over the weekend; in fact, we saw this guy at the gas station while he was working there and said hi on Saturday evening. About 9 hours after that, he tried to kill himself at home with carbon monoxide. He didn't succeed but it was already his third attempt of suicide.

Then I just told me mom that the lack of empathy at home is the problem to all this. I've been going through pretty bad depression lately and many times before since high school. I've finally figured out what it is--I don't need someone telling me what the solution is; I just want to know that someone feels my pain and is there for me. The less understanding I get from people around me, the more hatred and anger I build up in myself. I think this is the case for anyone suffering from depression or something even more extreme that leads to their resort of violence and manslaughter.

For example, I just spent the past couple of days in the City of Ocean Mountain. I checked in a four-person large bedroom alone and did everything by myself. This wasn't my first time traveling alone; honestly I can't remember how many times I've traveled alone because all the travel memories I've had involve no one but myself. The manager at the hotel was even worried that I might commit suicide in the room or pass out in the hot spring and gave me a random call at one point. I felt relaxed throughout the trip, but on the days leading up to the trip, I had felt so much pain and grief; I felt the same way again today after I left the City of Ocean Mountain. I hate the fact so much that I'm always alone. I feel so afraid that X might not even exist at all. But has anyone given me any empathy when I'm lonely and sad? No. Throughout my entire life, my family would only analyze the problem nonstop; when I was so frustrated in my bedroom trying to finish all the assignments that were impossible to finish, no one ever came in and told me that I should give myself a break. When I was in so much pain after a breakup, no one ever told me that I should keep my faith because I am good-natured and a once-in-a-lifetime treasure. They would only analyze the problem and tell me that I need to stop being so romantic and sensitive and focus more on making money or that my ideal doesn't exist or is hard to find. They tell me this even when I reach out to them for help. There is no fucking empathy from any of them and yet I have to be so empathetic to everyone at work and at home. For instance, tonight one of my students stopped me on the street because he felt so frustrated in our class today and wanted my comfort and support. This is a male adult, probably older than me, and I still have to offer him encouragement in order to secure my career and be polite.

But what about myself? Who's there for me? X, what if you're not there? What if my dream will never come true?

I asked my mom if anyone has ever felt empathetic to my pain. She said of course, although I never heard them say anything or felt that way. She said that my dad said I was a poor thing because I always went on these trips without any friends from school or a partner but he knew I wouldn't want him to travel with me. I felt touched knowing such a simple piece of empathy and was tearing up. I think that's all we depressed people need. We need to know we're not alone and someone out there understands how we feel. But of course, my complicated relationship with my parents doesn't just end here; over the years they've said and done too many things that hurt me and those things have conditioned me too deeply. For example, even though my father finally understands the fact I'm lonely, he was never there for me or offered me companionship when I was hiding in my bedroom studying all day. In fact, he even blamed me once for wanting to ever get married because he thought I should just focus on my career and making enough money for just myself. Of course that didn't stop me from having the dream of marrying a nice guy and having my family one day, but it hurts forever. The scar and wound are always there. I forgive him but I would say he didn't mean it. In fact, I believe he meant it. I take what people say very literally because I believe if they can say something, they must think it. People don't just blurt out something completely out of the blue. That thought must have existed first before it's said. So yeah, it continues to hurt, unless they sincerely apologize for everything and completely change their mindset, which is something they have never done and will never do.