A chance

For the first time in a long time that I didn't have to work on Saturday afternoon. I felt excited because some former students asked me out for dinner and drinks on Saturday night to celebrate the next chapter in their life. After I finished my morning class, I went to the flower market and picked up dozens of pink and lavender roses and orchids. My apartment smells and looks like blossoming spring with colors resembling those representative of Easter Sunday.

But then, the gathering didn't go as I had imagined. It was fun, but somehow I didn't feel as relaxed as I should have been. Everyone at the table was in a long-term committed relationship. I ended up drinking with three of the 9 that came to the dinner. And these remaining three were fully committed to their partners and were already planning a family and future with their partners. In other words, I was the only one single, and older than all of them.

As we discussed relationships, those two guys seemed to be the good, ideal, family men. They made me believe that the kind of man I want in my life is not too much to ask; they both think that the way I want to be treated is absolutely normal and the way a woman should be treated. So does that mean all the good men in the world are taken already and I just can't have one all these years?

Today, there was a lunch gathering among my family for my one-month old nephew. There were five kids/babies present--four of my nieces and this one nephew, with the oldest girl being only 3 years old. I felt a strong sense of being unfit in the group, just like how I felt last night with my friends. I was the only single one among my friends who has never even been in a committed relationship, and now, I was the only one in my family who is not married with kids. Maybe it was the alcohol from last night, but I felt such profound sadness that I could barely contain in my chest. I am so far behind them; I am so far away from my dream.

I do love those babies and they love me too, but they're not my kids. I don't live with them every minute, every day. We see each other once in a while and that's like going to a show, seeing your favorite artist perform for a couple of hours in which they show only the best, happiest side of themselves. I'm like that with my job, and with my family every time when we hang out.

Then I went back home and took a long nap in the late afternoon. I managed to stop myself from crying by imagining the voice of X. I pictured him lying next to me in a spooning position. He kept calling my name and said "I am right here. I'm embracing your right now. Can you feel me?" Until I fell asleep.

When I got those flowers home yesterday and arranging them, I couldn't help but feel happy and warm. I have always had flowers at home since I moved out of my parents' at the age of 22. But yesterday it was more than just the flowers. I thought about Ken when I arranged the flowers because he told me he liked the flowers I put at home. He told me that again even when he was drunk and came to my apartment. Then I moved onto picturing a home with X where I get to put lots of beautiful flowers and scent up the entire home. I also kept imagining what Ken would say if he saw and smelled all the flowers I got at home.

I want to have this chance to be a sweet little girl. I want to have this chance to be who I really am with absolute comfort and security. I have never had that chance in my family or with my parents. I had a few opportunities to do so with some guys that I dated, but those were only too brief. I wish I could cry when something upsetting happens and be embraced by a strong man. People always say crying doesn't help solve the problem; it's true but it doesn't matter whether my problem gets solved because if someone could embrace and comfort me whenever I cry, I will have the courage to face the problem. Rationality is so overrated these days when what human beings want deep down is actually something so simple and intuitive and yet so hard to get.

I miss the time when Ken let me be a little girl. He always held the door, paid for all the food and drinks, cooked and cleaned the apartment for me; he even did my laundry once. Most importantly, he was OK with my crying in front of him; he asked me to talk to him and bought me ice cream etc. A girl needs to be a girl, but why am I deprived of the right to be a sweet little girl? Or is it a privilege that only the privileged ones can get?

Throughout my entire childhood and teenage years, the only time I got to be a sweet little girl was in my imagination built upon the songs of the Backstreet Boys. Their songs were (and maybe are still) the only comfort I could get whenever I was sad and lonely. They taught me the kind of true love that I had never experienced in my environment or seen in people around me. The idea of true love was the reason why I worked so hard as a teenager because I thought as long as I got myself out of that environment, true love would take place. But it never did. True love didn't happen even after I left home, moved thousands of miles away, climbed into a higher social stratum. Because there's no escape of fate.

A relationship coach posted a blog entry saying that we can absolutely not love a man who doesn't care for us, which feels like what I'm doing with Ken right now. She posted some good questions and wanted us to find the answers in us, so here it is:

What am I doing here?

I am imagining that Ken is always there for me, and perhaps is thinking about me too. I am hoping to continue what we had in the City of Gold for the rest of our lives.

For what reason am I investing myself emotionally in this man?

Because no other men had treated me better than he did. I saw myself every time when I looked at him. I felt secure being with him.

For what reason am I not hearing him when he says, and demonstrates through action, that he doesn’t want anything to do with me other than sex?

Hm, that actually hasn't happened or come up yet. He has never explicitly, clearly said that he absolutely has not feelings for me. We have never had sex (although we did make out but no kissing either...). OK, but he's just not showing up. I try to justify this behavior for him because I don't want to believe that he treated me so nicely because he does that to every woman; I don't want to believe that he did all these nice things for me and he doesn't have any feelings for me; I don't want to believe that the guy who has treated me better than all other men is someone who actually doesn't care for me. Because, if that's really the case, then I really don't find the world worth living in.

What do I feel for myself that this is what I want?

 I don't want to be separated from him for any minute. I hate the fact that he shows up only once a year like a fucking ghost. But I do want our time in the City of Gold for the rest of our lives. You can say that I shouldn't be so hung up on one man and wait endlessly. But I'm a stupidly dedicated person. Once I set my mind to do something, I keep trying until I succeed. Like a puppy. But I love puppies and I honor that in a puppy.

How can I “love” someone who doesn’t care for me?

He did care for me. He also told me once at my place when he was drunk. Does "not showing up" also mean he doesn't care for me? I care for him with all my heart but I don't reach out to him either.

Argh. It's a fucked up situation. No relationship coach can help me on this one I'm sure.

Last night my friends and I were trying the 36 questions that make strangers fall in love. We were only able to go through the first 14 before the bar closed. I thought I'd complete the questionnaire here:

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

Ken.

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

No. Fame has always caused me nothing but trouble since elementary school, although it does help me quite a bit now in my job.

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

I've only rehearsed a phone call once my entire life. Other than that, I never rehearse any phone calls because I'm quick witted and words come to me quite spontaneously.

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

November 10, 2012: I got two VIP tickets to an NBA game on Saturday night. Before that, Ken and I had brunch by the ocean, where we spent most of the time in silence because the view of the pier was simply breathtaking and all I said was "this is like a painting." And then we checked out the flugtag event. After that he went to get a haircut and I went grocery shopping. He carried my grocery home and I made dinner. Then we headed to the NBA game. We had so much fun at the game and most important of all, we ran into the Black Eyed Peas at the VIP lounge and snapped a picture with one of the guys. Ken was very happy and excited that night; he told me that day was the happiest day he had ever had in this country. It was definitely one of my happiest days as well.


5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

I'm singing to the music playing in my room now. I sang to other people when we were doing karaoke at my aunt's house earlier today after lunch.

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

30-year-old mind because I believe a young mind keeps me healthy and resistant both mentally and physically.

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

I see images of myself committing suicide or getting run over by a car but I think I'll die old and grumpy because the universe (or multiverse, a term I was recently educated about) wants to prolong my emotional pain.

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

No partners at this moment.

 9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

 Everything, all the goods and bads, because I believe they're meant to take me to a better place.

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

I wish my parents could be emotionally mature and open. I wish there was no violence at home. I wish they could listen to my truth and accept me. I wish I could be treated like a little girl. Too many to change.

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

It started quite early in my life, when my younger brother was born. He had to be hospitalized for a surgery maybe less than a year old, and I was missing my mom and crying. So my dad held me up to the window and told me that if I continued crying he'd throw me out of the window. Then there was another time in kindergarten when the teacher taught us the apple tree story of George Washington. That day I found a piece of chalk on my way home. I felt so curious about it and drew on the walls in our apartment stairwells. Our neighbors got mad and came to our apartment. My father came to me and asked if I did it; I thought of the story the teacher told us and said "yes" calmly. Then my father told me to kneel on the floor and slapped heavily on both my cheeks. My cheeks swelled immediately and my mom took me to the parking lot and we were hiding in her car, like we often did when we felt scared of going home but had nowhere else to go. Since then I swore to myself that I'd never reveal another truth about myself again. That's why I ended up spending most of time in my bedroom alone, reading or doing my own stuff, never connecting with my parents again.

As for my education and career, there was a lot of luck involved. I always managed to do well in crucial moments leading up to the next stage at school or at work even though my average performance never really indicated this.

As for my love life, I've dated all kinds of men and the closest thing to marriage was a man who was just as violent as my father. Since then, I've kind of given up on love and believed in the farce that fate creates for us.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

An easy going personality that naturally makes people think of me whenever they hang out. I wish I could be like one of those people who make people say, "Hey why don't we ask Kendra out?"

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

Who the one is.

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

I've dreamed of having a happy loving family of my own. I haven't done it because it hasn't happened; X hasn't shown up.

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

A perfect track record in education, which leads to my job now and its success at this point. 

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

Commitment. Honesty. Empathy.

17. What is your most treasured memory?

That perfect day with Ken.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

All the childhood trauma mentioned above.

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

I would tell Ken out loud that I love him. I would work less and play more. I'd spend all my money. Because a lot of my hard work now goes to pay for my parents' shit and I simply don't think I deserve this.

20. What does friendship mean to you?

I used to think that my friends were more loyal and accepting than my own family, that they'd always be there. But now, I think "friendship" is a very superficial word as in "she's my facebook friend." No one really shows empathy when I tell them I feel like ending my life.

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

They're the reasons why I'm alive.

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

No partner right now. If it's Ken, I'd say acceptance of me, sensitivity, attention to subtleties and details, introversion,  and consideration.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

Like I said, my family is fucked up. There's no intimacy between anyone. My childhood was fucked up sad.

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

I used to do everything that would make her happy. Then I resent her for that because she would never be happy no matter how perfect I am. She would never be satisfied. I'm not even sure if it's still love between us. I also hate her for never leaving my dad for the sake of me and my brother. We deserved a safer environment to grow up in.

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

No partner again argh. OK, if it's Ken, I'd say:
We're both the kindest at heart but terrified.
We both prefer quietness and simplicity in life.
We both need to love ourselves more.

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

my everyday laughter and tears.

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

Don't judge me or shut down when I cry.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

With Ken? OK I've said this a hundred times but I like the fact that he let me cry in front of him and always comforted me.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

I mispronounced the word "horizontal" in the international monetary class in grad school. I didn't realize that until all my friends were teasing me about it afterwards.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

I think the last time I cried in front of someone was when Ken came to my place when his cousin died and told me that he felt so much pain but couldn't shed a tear. I cried upon hearing this. Damn it's been 9 months already.

I cried by myself just now.

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

Argh. Same thing!

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

My weight, I have bad memories of being teased constantly by my classmates and families in high school. And the fact that I'm still single.

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

I regret not having told Ken that "I love you and I will always be there for you." I haven't told him that because I don't know how he feels about me and I am scared if he doesn't feel the same way.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

My laptop, iPad, and iPhone. Because all my pictures, videos, music and documents are in them.

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

All of them. How is it possible not to feel disturbed by the death of any family member???

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Arghmmmmm...... I have a fucked up relationship with my family and it has long-term effects on my social and personal life even as an adult. What should I do to go through all the emotional barriers?