CRAZY

My mind is going crazy. I have never been this depressed for at least a year I believe. It's been three days in a row that I have been feeling suicidal and hopeless. Could it be the alcohol on Saturday night? Did someone drug me?? Hormones can't explain this either because I'm in the mid-cycle right now, when estrogen is at its zenith; it makes no sense to feel depressed from a hormonal standpoint. Then, WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?

I've been crying a lot too. I like the idea of crying because it's a good outlet of anger and grief. But I still feel extremely depressed and suicidal. I really don't see the point of living. Is it the frustration that Ken isn't showing up? Or is it the fact that my parents are so screwed up and cause so much trouble and pain for me throughout my whole life, even now? I don't know. I don't know...

I don't even know what the trigger is. The last time I felt this depressed was when Michael and I broke up, and then the breakup between me and Sean. But this time, everything went down since Saturday night, when I was supposed to have fun but somehow I just felt depressed. I absorbed my friends' grief and stress so they left the party happy while I left the part lonely and sad? I only had two cocktails that night so it should be that bad. I've had way more alcohol before.

Then is it telepathy or some kind of sixth sense again? Maybe I am feeling Ken strongly. Is he getting married? Is he leaving me for good? I'm having this depression for no reason but there must be a reason. This has happened to me before. When Sean was going to dump me, I woke up one morning and started to cry without knowing exactly what it was. Who can it be this time? I've been thinking about only Ken. Could it be him? Has something happened to him? Or he's gonna be gone for good?