Permanent Stain

Out in the rain, looking for sunshine
I call your name, but you’re like a ghost
I let you disappear, should’ve never let you go
I want to say just for the record
That you still got my heart and my soul
And though we’re worlds apart
Yeah, I gotta let you know
You are the piece I can’t replace, oh
You left a mark that won’t erase, oh

No one else can teach me how to love again
‘Cause you left a permanent stain on my heart and I’ve been feeling it
Never mind what people say ’cause they don’t understand
How you left a permanent stain on my heart, you're never leaving it

Some tried to break through the walls that
I built up, but they don’t compare to you
One chance, and I swear I’ll never let you go
You are the piece I can’t replace, oh
You left a mark that won’t erase, oh

Permanent Stain by the Backstreet Boys

I've been reviewing the lyrics of the Backstreet Boys songs for the upcoming concert many of which have made me cry repeatedly. I'm no longer a teenager and I'm not obsessed with those boys because of their looks and comforting songs. At the point of my life, I'm triggered because I now interpret those songs in a completely different way. After dating so many men, almost all of them have left permanent stains that hurt and make me cry from time to time. But have I left any permanent stain on anyone? Does any of them ever think of me?

Earlier today when I was going through my postcard collection, I found this postcard that Richard sent me after visiting me in the City of Power. I cried helplessly upon seeing this again because I remember that he told me he actually sent me a letter after we parted ways in Richard's city in 2006 but I never got it. Maybe my mom stole it. I don't know. I'm not exactly sure why I feel so sad about this; maybe I just wanna be 20 again. I wanna be fearless in love again. I was so confident and had so much faith in love and I believed he truly cared about me. It was real even though it was brief. Then we saw each other again five years later in 2011 but things were so different then. Things are so different now. Everyone is settling down with someone. I think Richard is still dating the same girl for years. Eric has a new girlfriend in Japan now; he never gave us a chance. He said he wrote me something but couldn't send it to me because he didn't want to cause any pain. Ken, is just gone. He's gone maybe because he doesn't want to cause me pain either. Alex cried on that Christmas Day when he told me he couldn't be with me. Peter cried too when he told me he didn't have the resources for what I wanted. Sean didn't cry and he seems to be doing really well in his grad school now; perhaps he's already got an offer from Google. Have I ever come across their minds? Do I even matter to them? Did I ever matter to them? If everyone's gone because they don't want to cause me pain, who's left here with me?

That's why I need to see the Backstreet Boys. I want to find that faith in love again, the faith I had so firmly in my teenage years. I want to believe again that there's a man out there who loves me for me, he doesn't "care who I am, where I'm from, what I did, as long as I love him."