Who is ready?

When someone says they're ready for another relationship, what does it mean? Does it mean you're ready to love again or does it mean you're ready to get hurt?

Can I say I'm ready to be in a relationship but I'm not ready to be hurt again?

I have been single for 5 months now, and physically celibate for almost one year. Nights are the scariest. Emotional turmoils always visit at night, always keeping my eyes wet before I sleep. Ivan used to tuck me into bed every night so I was never alone except for when my eyes are closed. But now, I am always alone, except for when I'm dreaming.

Yesterday Ivan and I chat on Gmail. Our conversations always end painfully and he always runs away before I finish my words. Maybe it's because he has to talk to his new girlfriend every night before he sleeps, or maybe he and his girlfriend talk nonstop, say 20 phone calls every day. That bitch used call him at least 10 times per day even when he was dating me; now becoming his official girlfriend, I believe 20 times per day is factual.

Yet I have no one to talk to every day. My best friend Tin is going through some personal crisis and she shuts herself down completely. My other friends don't like to listen to me talking about it. Although I try very hard to think about nothing but my career, love is still so central to my life. I have no religion, no superstition, but I still undeniably believe in true love, however hard I try to convince myself of its nonexistence.

I googled all day about "rebound". I wonder why Ivan doesn't need any time for rebound after our breakup and can commit to another relationship so fast. My only conclusion is that he never loved me. He was mentally cheating on me all the time. I acknowledge that our relationship would not work out because of our differences, but it just hurts to know that he never cared about me, never took me seriously, and lied to me all the time, or I should say, everytime! He cannot fulfill any single promise he's made to me. One quick example, yesterday he promised he would continue our conversation today, and I waited all day on Gmail and he was never there; I even sent emails to him.

The reason why I want to talk to him so bad is because I want to know whether I was a good girlfriend. After all the things I've done for him and he still calls me an awful, horrible girlfriend/person. I'm starting to believe that I have no talent on this and I shall enter some kind of nunity.

M wants to date me. He was my crush 3 years ago, and the crush lasted for almost one year, and ended before I moved to the City of Extremity. The reason was because I got too indulged and it creeped him out. Later we became like almost best friends. I talked to him when I couldn't get used to the living condition in the City of Extremity; I called him when Ivan broke up with me the first time and the second time; he called me when I was fired; I messaged him when he was dating someone, etc. Now we're both single and he wants to date me. If all men were 100% honest and faithful, I would be totally ready to love again. But in this pathetic world, I just feel that I will be hurt again. I am ready to love but I am not ready to get hurt. In fact, I don't ever want to get hurt again; I don't even think the scar will ever be healed, like a skin callus. No.

What should I say to M? Should I honestly, blatantly spit out these words: I will not be a good girlfriend. I don't know why I can't be a good girlfriend but it's a fact; there is a reason why none of the men I have been with actually loved me, because I am not loveable. I will most probably die if I get hurt again and I'm really really scared of getting hurt again, just like some people, or most people, are scared of dying.

M is a very nice guy. Tall, handsome, funny, successful, outgoing, popular, family-oriented and loves his job. However, he has a penis too. Even a stupid poor jobless motherf*cker like Ian didn't want to date me. I doubt that M will love me. Or should I just go on the date while knowing that there would be no hope?