A pledge with myself

By my thirtieth birthday, if Ken hasn't stepped up or if a better man hasn't shown up in my life, I will turn to a matchmaker.

I thought I've forgotten all the moments I had with Ken, but it turned out I haven't. My aunt Monica was  in town and we hung out on Sunday. She asked me if there had been anything new with Ken, and I said no, he disappeared like a ghost. Then I recalled all the moments I had with Ken and retold the stories in every detail. I haven't forgotten us after all. He's still in my heart after all.

People say we all know the answers deep down in our hearts. So I wanna have a talk with my heart now: should I stay or should I go?

I: Does Ken love me?

My heart: Of course he does. He loves you so much that he's afraid of hurting you. He loves you too much that he's afraid of letting you down, so he withdraws. You have seen through Ken so many times. You know how scared and insecure he is.  But you have seen the wounded innocent child deep inside of him as well. No matter what the rumors say about him, you know he truly cares about you and really just wants to stop fooling around and settle down with you.

I: Why doesn't he call me? Doesn't that say clearly that he's already forgotten about me?

Heart: If he's so similar to you, he must be really embarrassed and conscious about himself at this point so he resists the urge to call you. He always oppresses his feelings and the truth deep down in his heart. Right now he's probably dependent on Xanax and antidepressants that he can't feel his true feelings.

I: But shouldn't I move on? Aren't I wasting my youth?

Heart: Are you able to love another man at this point? Knowing that he truly loves you, wouldn't you like to give him a chance and forgive him and trust him that he will be able to stand up and step up like a real man?

I: I do believe in him. He has the kindest and most generous heart I've ever seen. He never told me to calm down or stop crying when I had to cry. He never judged me for whatever feelings I had. He let me be me. But I miss him so much. It seems like he can't feel my telepathy anymore.

Heart: he's blocking out all the emotions right now because he's trying to numb himself from all the pain. 

I: Ken, I wish I could give you the biggest hug in the world right now. I miss you terribly. You have never left my heart. I can't stop loving you. You know that.