What is?

I just watched Love, Rosie tonight (and of course cried my eyes out). It makes me think about Ken again. It seems like images of him are fading; our beautiful time together in the City of Gold is now getting vague to me. I'm so afraid that "us" will just disappear or fade like a washed up celebrity.

The movie resonates with me so profoundly. Is Ken just like Alex, empty on the inside and trying so hard to compensate for that through something on the outside such as materials and social statuses? I think he is, but look how much time has gone by. Does Ken love me, or has he ever loved me? The movie has a happy ending but it also squeezes 16 years old time in 2 hours. Both the actor and actress don't get old in it, but in real life, we do. The last time I saw and heard from Ken was the night he came to my place and told me that he felt so much grief but couldn't shed a tear. I still remember touching him and shedding tears for him because I felt him so strongly.

After watching the movie, I don't feel like asking the question "why" again. I don't wanna know why it took Alex such a long time to finally kiss Rosie; I don't wanna know why it takes some men such a long time to realize that the best thing is right under their nose. I don't wanna know why men are so scared to commit or get close to the right person. I don't wanna know why Ken did those things to me, be it good or bad. I find the question "why" a futile, childish thing to ask because there's no answer to that. It's destiny, a plan made by the universe. They simply need this much time and to go through all that in order to be somewhere.

But Ken, I miss you so much. I want to hate you and forget about you but I've failed to do so. Last night at the bar, the only voice I wish I had heard was you calling me "yo". I did not care for any other man at that bar, or anywhere else. All the relationship coaches say that true love can happen with many men; Mr. Right doesn't have to be just that one man. I try so hard to believe that and gave shots to so many other men and they all failed. None of them has ever made me feel the way I feel with you. With them, I always felt a huge rush or crush at the beginning and just fell and burned; but with you, I always feel safe. I feel the most comfortable in my own skin when I'm with you because I know you feel me and I know how you feel. Like I said, when I look at you, I see myself, I see the little child inside of you and I connect with that child so deeply. I can be the little girl who I really am because you're the little boy. Maybe I feel this way because we have never kissed, like Alex and Rosie, but I do believe what we have is real.

I also fear that we're just floating away from each other. Before our last conversation, you used to think of me whenever I thought of you. Our telepathy was strong. But now, no matter how much, how long I think about you, you just don't show up anymore. We were in Bali at the same time but simply missed each other. Without a closure from you, I don't know if I can move on. Theoretically I should move on, but what's the point of dating all these other men knowing that they won't be you and they won't let me cry when I do. You're the only man in the world who has never told me not to cry when I cry and actually encouraged this behavior by getting me strawberry Haagen Dazs whenever I cry. You're the only one who said "let's talk" when I saw on the floor and cried after work. You gave me no judgments nor impatience. I have never taken that for granted, and that's why I love you so.

Can you still feel me calling you? Please feel harder...