Repeats

Recently I've logged onto skip a few times and dropped a line for a few guys. I received Eric's response today and I was left in utter shock.

I asked him if he had a girlfriend now and he said, "yes, it was inevitable." Somehow I felt so much pain. I haven't talked to him for at least nine months because I was waiting for him to come visit me. I waited and waited and he never replied to my message. So I said, "oh. No wonder you never came to visit. Well, good luck."

He said, "I wrote a letter to you but I never sent it. I couldn't cause you more pain."

Now I wonder what's in the letter. I already feel a lot of pain anyway. Doesn't every man do this to me? They never tell me the truth because they don't want to hurt me, but the results are the same; I feel infinite pain and am always left alone. Do they really not want to hurt me or they're protecting themselves from feeling guilty?

Then images of different men flash through my mind. I thought about Cato a while ago. I recalled the time when he wanted to cuddle with me all day long after he came back from Japan. I remember our first kiss, when he was quite drunk and called me in the middle of the night. I remember when he hugged me when I was crying out of jealousy and insecurity. I remember the time when he showed me hundreds of pictures taken in Japan.

I also thought of JJ. I drove past his home in the City of Rain a couple of days ago. I felt triggered. I went to a party at his magnificent house once. I remember our first kiss. I remember our last goodbye. I also imagined him showing in a street corner and we'd meet again just like that.

As for Eric, I imagined us to meet again in Bali over Christmas, when we both happen to be vacationing there. But that'll never happen because he's all gone.

I've thought of Frank lately because he messaged me last week. He told me he had thought of me lately and he remembered me as passionate and a good kisser. At first I tried to ignore him because it all seemed like he wanted sex. But then he said I was passionate because I was emotional and cried a lot, which got me thinking these days. Does he really appreciate me being an emotional and sensitive woman and value these qualities to be passionate? So, I've thought of the first time we met in person, our first kiss, and the night when I ran away from home and cried in his chest. He comforted me, bought me drinks, and smiled.

Today, I took the subway from a stop that's close to Alex's home. I drop by that stop quite frequently but today I had the opportunity to breathe in deeply some air in the neighborhood. Then I remember the time when we came out from that subway stop to see the Cirque du Soleil. I remember his face next to mine. We were both so happy that night. He planned everything. He stood there when I was already inside of the subway station to head home. I turned back, feeling so afraid that he might be gone, but he was still standing there, smiling at me. It was a reassurance that I had nothing to be afraid of. I was always afraid of turning back to farewell the guy again because I would feel sad and disappointed if he wasn't there. But Alex was, and he was smiling so happily. I remember the first time we kissed, and the first time I saw a man proposing to a woman.

Of course, there's Ken. I keep seeing images of him holding me to sleep when he was completely drunk and his nous weren't working. I always see his smile from sheer happiness and shyness whenever he saw me.

Where are all these men now? I need someone now to hold me to sleep and I can wake up without feeling broken, empty, or lonely.

Also, I think about Baby too. Any image of her makes me lose control of my tears. Even just saying her name makes me cry.

Dear X, let's have a pledge here. We'll meet up in Bali this Christmas, as in Eat, Pray, Love. If you really exist, if we're meant to be, let's meet up this Christmas. It'll be deadly romantic and we'll be happy ever after. OK?