Lucky

--First page

Today I've been listening to Lucky by Jason Mraz and Colbie Callait because it's going to be my wedding song.

I haven't written anything since my birthday but in fact a lot of things have happened since then and I was always too tired or occupied to update this blog. Tonight I feel like writing because there's a sad force within my chest and I've been crying these couple of days.

So why? I met this guy PB. He took me for a hike in a hidden mountain on our first date and we found a hidden secret waterfall. I talked about the whole truth about myself on our first date. I said clearly that I want to be married by the age of 30. His facial expression indicated he was very shocked to hear that. He also told me I shouldn't mention that to guys on a first date so I could get a second date; he said that because I told him I hadn't got any second date since I moved back home, and I had been on probably ten dates already. Then I told him if the guy was the right guy he wouldn't be scared away by that so if I don't get a second date with a guy that actually saves me time from being wasted on guys who are not ready or right for me.

At the end of our first date, PB wanted to know if I wanted to see him again. I didn't give him an answer when I hopped on the train because I was hesitating. On the one hand, he was very thoughtful and I felt great around him. He planned the whole trip and prepared all the necessities for the trip. On the other hand, he didn't seem to be ready for what I am looking for. I kept thinking about whether I should see him again or not. Later that night he messaged me on Skype and I told him I wanted to see him again. I decided to give him another try because he followed up with me after the date and later he talked to me on Skype every day. It is important for me and I felt more attraction because none of the guys I dated was able to do that. I made it clear on our first date that I need the guy to talk to me every day and he took it by heart.

So yesterday we went on our second date. He carefully planned it again and took me to the hot springs. He drove me in his scooter for about an hour along the coastline to get there. He also got me a jacket because it was cold along the way. He was taking me to a secret outdoor natural hot spring but there were cops forbidding spa there so he took me to a private place instead. We had our own booth and spa and I was in my bikinis.

I tried several times before our second date trying to get him talk about his childhood. He had always dodged it because he studied psychology. At the spa he finally talked about his story while I lay my head on his laps. His dad left his family when he was three and his mom raised three kids on her own. He is a sensitive person and was sent to a boarding school at a young age and he felt abandoned. Also his mom was an immature person so that created a lot of problems for him. Then I shared my childhood. As soon as I finished mine, he said he could entirely understand why I wanted that kind of serious commitment and he can't do it. He doesn't want to get married in two years. I started to feel sad and cried a few times at the spa. He held me tight but we never kissed at the spa. He told me he was so attracted to me and I wondered why. He said he was very attracted to me being myself. Then he felt like crying too but he resisted it.

Then we got street food back to his place for dinner because I told him I don't like being in public when I feel sad. He gave me some hugs while we were buying dinner because I had a sad face. He also took me to a sex toy shop because he knew my vibrator was broken. I felt too embarrassed to go in there but still did and bought a new vibrator.

We had dinner at his place and he was playing really good Moby music. He handcrafted a lot of really creative, modern style small furniture with woods he found on the beach. He has a great taste in life. Then I was still feeling sad so he held me like a baby on his laps. We resisted kissing each other and I told him I could never see him again. But the emotional and physical connection was so strong and we still kissed. And then made out. And then I burst into tears after making out while still topless. He asked me if I was feeling mad at myself and I nodded. He comforted me and kissed me affectionately. He also told me he had never had such an emotional discussion before and yesterday was one of the richest experiences he had ever had.

--Second page

I just finished a two-hour Skype call with PB. I said I wanted to see him again and he wanted too but obviously every phone call and encounter between us makes both of us more vulnerable than we thought so the conclusion of the call was that we should never see each other again. It pains me very much but I've decided I don't want to be with him. I'm feeling more sadness than happiness when I talk to him so he's not the right one for me.

I'm having thoughts of running away again. Or to die. The pain and fear are unbearable. It's so easy to lose faith in something you've never seen. I had a dream about Ivan a couple of nights ago. I dreamed that he couldn't commit to me and he was somewhat angry at me.