27

I turned 27 today. I am mobile as I type this entry on my phone. It's a Friday and I want to take myself out.

A lot of emotions have been triggered since I came back home. I typed this in another draft entry that hasn't been finished and published.

I'm only 3 years to the big three oh. There are so many things I want to accomplish by 30 but I don't seem to be on the way to any of them right now. My life feels so chaotic right now. All my friends are financially independent now, including my younger brother. I seem to be the only one who's still struggling and I am smarter than all of them. I wonder what is wrong with me. Why can't I tolerate more pain than others?

Is it because I already tolerated an impeccable amount of pain throughout childhood and adolescence? But theoretically that should enable me to tolerate more pain as I turned an adult.

Last night I cried myself to sleep again. I was listening to Lucky by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat. I decided it will be my wedding song whoever I marry. The first time I heard that song was in Ken's car. And then Pandora. And then my iTunes. That song reminds me of Ken. He seems to feel indifferent to the fact that I'm gone. Am I really just a company he used to make himself feel less lonely? I want to be able to believe that he is better than that. I want to be able to believe that all the guys I've been with are better than that.

A week ago I accidentally activated my Facebook and accidentally came across a friend's profile picture with his new wife. I couldn't help but click on his wedding photo album and I saw Ivan and his wife. He really married the woman who he started dating long-distance right after breaking up with me because of long-distance. Somehow there was always some deep inner voice in me that told me he didn't marry that bitch who was clinging onto him while he was dating me thousands of miles away. She was wearing a huge diamond and they seem so happy together. I don't think he was ever that happy with me. I could feel clearly that he's indifferent to whether I have been able to find someone who can be serious about me since we broke up. No I haven't. But I don't feel indifferent to whether he's happily married now. I want to feel indifferent but I can't. Now that I know apathy will lead me to depression so I can't go there again.

I think most people who are rich and successful at my age because their parents are rich and successful. For example, yesterday I learned a high school acquaintance of mine just bought a brand new BMW. She's still interning at a hospital to be trained to be a psychological therapist and she has to pay for her internship. The only reason she could go to two Ivy League schools and buy a BMW at the age of 27 was because her parents are rich not because she has accomplished more than I have. I wish I could find a role model in my life who can thrive quickly on their own without their parents' resources. I know people like that who are at least two decades older than I. Nevertheless I think they achieved that because the economy was booming after WWII. But in my generation, social mobility is extremely low and I happen to be in the job market in my prime time during the worst recession since the Great Depression. That's why my American dream never realized.

Anyway, back to my birthday. I am grateful for this fancy dinner by myself for only half of the price. I am also thinking about moving again, overseas again. But given this terrible world economy I don't know where I can go. I enjoy indulging myself in movies and music. They're the only places where I feel happy and loved and hopeful.

Happy birthday to myself.