The Wedding Dress

This is a picture from a while ago. The wedding dress is always beautiful but she is always alone.

There has finally been some breakthrough in my career. For the next few months I will be doing a project in the field of energy and finance in the City of Rain. I am going back home next week, although it will no longer be the home that I grew up in. I won't even have a bedroom, but at least I get to see my dog Baby.

I just came back from one of those meaningless networking events. It's not entirely meaningless because I was still able to connect with some people; however at the end of the party I just didn't even know what I was talking and I talked for the sake of talking; I laughed for the sake of laughing. I struggled to decide whether to go actually but I went eventually. In fact I would have been happier if I just sat in a coffee shop alone in the center of the city reading something after a couple hours of shopping. I enjoy watching people come and go while those people are not really paying attention to anyone around them, especially in this densely populated city. The City of Power is a small place; you would be surprised by the number of mutual friends you have with a complete stranger. It stops surprising me after a couple of months.

I currently have a crush on Matt, Brad, and Ron. Ron is perfect; he's great looking, intelligent, successful and mature. He's one of the very few guys that actually make me nervous whenever I talk to them. However, people have been telling me that he's gay, and that probably explains why we haven't been able to continue a flirty conversation for more than 10 minutes.

Brad is also perfect; he's probably even more suitable than Ron. Brad is even better looking, more intelligent and really mature too, although he is a couple of years younger than Ron. The problem is, Brad has a serious long-term girlfriend. However, I do have some slight clues that he might be single now, and he stops coming to these parties somehow.

Matt is the same age as Brad and he's really handsome too. He comes from a wealthy family and he has that laidback spirit from the West Coast. However, based on our interaction I think he probably has commitment issues; he procrastinates even on small get-togethers a lot.

Therefore, there is no chance for me to actually have something romantic with these guys. I could have more guys on my list but none of them is going to work out anyway. JJ is still dating his long term girlfriend. Somehow I still wish he could be single, although there has been nothing romantic between us since last year. Richard is out of my list; I have come to realize that he is too immature and irresponsible after all.

But why do I really need to date someone? A few days ago, I had an erotic dream, and the only thing erotic in my dream was just my sex toy. This was not the first time. In other words, I have absolutely no one to fantasize about at the moment, and this part of my life has become dysfunctional which I believe is bad for both my physical and mental health. This is also why I am fat right now; I eat less than 1400 calories every day but can't seem to lose much weight because my metabolism is just extremely slow for some reason.

Which one should I take: being fat and ugly but emotionally independent and resistant or being skinny and hot but emotionally vulnerable?

I really don't know. I wish I had never dated Ivan so I would always have that beautiful dream of what a serious relationship should be like and live in that dream forever; that way I could stay skinny and hot forever and perhaps would have never lost that job. People are always telling me it's just that I haven't met the right person yet, but no matter how they're trying to convince me I still believe it's my problem, not the guys'. I think the right person has already taken place in my life but because I am just such a horrible girlfriend that I missed the opportunity forever. What can I do, and what evidence can I look for to prove to myself that I can be a loveable girlfriend? I really can't think of anything...