Lack of Motivation

How long does it take for someone to be able to move on to another relationship? Or maybe not even another relationship, say, just onto the path of finding a new partner?

I have been trying hard to lose weight recently. My weight was never my concern until recently. It seems like having given up on relationships leaves your body no incentive to metabolize fast and screws up the hormones. When I was younger, I was constantly trying to attract the opposite sex and my body was metabolizing very quickly no matter how much I ate. But now, I have to go on almost full hunger strike and vegetarian diet in order to lose weight.

I wish I would find someone in my mind about whom I can frequently think; I wish I could feel insecure about this person and lose my appetite easily. Nevertheless, I just can't. I hang out with mostly guys but none of them, none, attracts me. Actually I am attracted to a few of them, but I have just lost that hope. I stop caring about whether they like me or whether I like them; I always assume that there would be no chance. As a result, my weight keeps going up.

The Cherry Blossom Season was beautiful and short; it lasted for about 2 weeks I guess. I went out to do some photography work with my friend Mary who was visiting me from my hometown. Mary crashed at my place for a few days when she was looking at my photography collection hanging on the walls in my apartment, she asked me with whom I went to the City of Adventures. Then I recalled I went with Ivan, and he taught me some stuff about photography. Mary said it was romantic that I went to the City of Adventures with Ivan, and I immediately replied, "That's bullshit. There was nothing romantic and I do not remember anything I did with him." Mary thought I was having intentional memory loss. I agreed too. It makes life so much easier.

I also try to infatuate about some guys, but I still get jealous when I see them flirt with other girls, so I just retreat very quickly. I have no motivation to combat in the field of relationships at all. If other women get in the way, I just let them win right away; I just don't feel like making any effort to get a guy, like how hard I tried to get Ivan. He was thinking about other bitches all the time and I had to make so much sacrifice and play so many games to get him. Eventually it was all proven unworthwhile. What can I do to convince myself that someone is worth all the effort? How can I convince myself that the one is right next to me and I need to be motivated to stay attractive?