But.

It's been 1.5 months since I've been working here. Over the past few weeks I had some interesting developments with my supervisor Ken. We went to see Transformers 3 in 3D after work; we went drinking with colleagues and counted down to his birthday; he gave me rides to the City of Rain on weekends; we went furniture and grocery shopping together...

It has been a while since I last had a crush on a guy, and this crush is big enough for me to actually want to make some efforts. Nevertheless, I am still so scared. I feel like giving up almost anytime. I think I am not at my best look at the moment. I still need to shed 10 lb to look like what I used to when I first met Ivan, although I was only 22 and I am a little taller now. But still, as a perfectionist I need to lose 10 lb. I've been starving myself so perhaps in several days he will ask me to go to his best friend's wedding with him. He's been talking about the wedding and he's quite bothered by whether he should bring a date or not because he is single at the moment.

I should face the fact that whatever runs through my imagination will not happen. It's good to know that I still have a few romantic fantasies left in my brain and I am not yet a boring, uncreative prude.

What is he thinking exactly? What is he thinking now? What was he thinking when he asked me out?

If I don't hold onto my fantasies I will have absolutely no ambition to look skinny again, and this is basically giving up on myself, in another aspect of my own life, which is unhealthy. I also realize that my weight has a lot to do with my depression; I am eating more because I am happier now; I was skinny because I was never happy. On the other hand, getting fat is making me unhappy again and food is almost like an enemy to me now. As a gourmet this is getting painful for me but if I have that goal in mind I should hold onto it for a while and see if it really happens.

Ken is a nice, attractive, depressed guy. He went to college in the City of Power so we have something in common. He's also from my hometown so we also share some cultural backgrounds. In fact, he and I are very similar in so many ways and I am too busy to write about them. Interestingly, before I met him in person, I've been told repeatedly by my friends who introduced me to him that he is incredibly attractive; after meeting him in person, I was left with numerous disappointments because I found him not attractive at all and I kept bitching my friends for giving me illusions. Somehow, after a week, he became attractive to me and I really don't know why.

A cousin of mine just got engaged to her boss last weekend and she is still working for him. This episode kind of give me the courage to take the risk, but there is always the but.

I've seen Transformers with two different men so far. Actually the entertainment is just great; 3D and Linkin Park soundtracks for the third one are mind blowing. I like these movies because their love stories suck; I am shifting my preferences for movies to mindless entertainment from inspiring love drama.