4 years and 4 months.

I cannot believe what just happened today. Richard sent me a message on Facebook saying that he will have a business trip to the City of Power for 2 days in mid-February, which is less than 3 months from now on. He also plans to crash at my place. My mind has been completely occupied by this since getting this message.

4 years and 4 months and still counting. I have not seen this man for this long yet I still think of him every day. I have this no-contact policy with all my exes except for Richard. He is so bright, funny, and has such a good taste in life; he is the only man who I am willing to suffer for in the world so far. As you can see in my previous entries in this blog, I compare every man to him and I believe I have not met anyone who is comparable to him. He will also be the first ex in my life whom I meet up again, if he keeps his words (which is something he can barely do).

Kendra Johanson, wake the fuck up. You know clearly he is a selfish asshole who has hurt you the most and turned you into a jaded, helpless monster. Here’s why you cannot anticipate his visit:
1. It is still a long time from now, and there is still so much uncertainty. If he fails to come, you will be so deeply hurt again. After the pain, you will become even more numb than now.
2. Although he is currently single on Facebook, he might not be when he visits you.
3. Maybe he has lost his feelings for you completely. Are you really going to be a stupid, useless, weak, selfless giver?
4. He will be here only for 2 days, and then you will never know when you’re going to see each other again. Do you really plan to die as a prude?
5. For the past 4 years, maybe “Richard” has become only a fantasized image. You barely know him and all you can remember is the 2 beautiful weeks you spent together, but that is very partial to a relationship.
6. What if “the one” shows up in your life before he visits you?

I will be almost 25 years old when he visits. When we first (and last) met, I was only 20. It was the most beautiful, innocent time of my life. I had no baggage and I gave him all of my trust. But now, I am so jaded and even more materialistic than before. I believe my dog, materials, and money are my best friend for eternity. Recently I have completely given up on men and relationships. Each time I recall my last few conversations (or fights) with Ivan, I become more convinced that I am a very very very bad girlfriend. In fact, I am unable to be a girlfriend. I gave up my ego completely yet in the end he accused me of preventing him from going out with his friends, which was in fact something he did voluntarily upon knowing that his friends unfriended me on Facebook. When he said to me “anyone who doesn’t like you cannot be my friend”, I cried, because I thought no one else in the world could be nicer than that to me. Nevertheless, all good things come to an end; I became the crazy bitch who “forbade” him from going out with his friends and it was all my fault. Some of my friends said to me that Ivan was just one individual case and cannot represent all men. But, he is not the only man I have been with. If a nice man like Ivan can turn into a jerk like that, I am sure it is my problem.

What should I do with Richard? I want to look glamorous when he visits. Maybe we will keep things platonic. We will pull all nighters updating our lives since 4 years ago. We will take pictures at the most beautiful spots in the City of Power, as he recently purchased a Canon EOS and has really been into photography. We will check out the best restaurants in this city and chat all night at the coolest bars. I will not work during the two days.

Why do I have a feeling that all this will be suicidal? I know clearly that no man in the world is willing to make any tiny sacrifice for me, and it’s true for Richard too. Why can’t I just wake up? WAKE UP, WAKE THE FUCK UP.