Change

My trip to the City of Stones and stay with my Christian friend's family have been rewarding and educational. It made me realize so many things about family, religion, education, and relationships. But I'm not going to write about them.

I accidentally cut my left ring finger last night from making some art work. The cut was about half an inch long and it was pretty deep because the moment it was cut, the blood was coming out so fast and didn't stop for a while. The moment made me realize that I cannot be alone. I am here without family and friends (because somehow all my bestest friends here are all out of town). I was quite helpless because I didn't know whether it was a serious situation or not. Back home I would just ask my mom and she would always have an answer; but being here alone scares me sometimes because I have no one to turn to when I am in trouble. So I was thinking about the possibility of having a boyfriend. I mean, of course I want a boyfriend, but they don't want me as a girlfriend. Also, is opening up to someone really worthwhile? Is the trade off of getting hurt by someone really worthwhile?

Every time when I think of the fact that Ivan is dating D I shirk. After all the sacrifices and compromises I'd made for him and all the wonderful things he'd done to me, he still broke up with me and dated the intruder. It keeps me wondering what is real in a relationship and what love is. I think all the sacrifices I made for him were love, but the wonderful things he did to me were lies. If this is true, then how am I going to start a new relationship?

After coming back from the City of Stones, I have confirmed with Richard about his trip to the City of Power. He is going to be here in the middle of next month for sure, so I bought a mattress and a blanket. I should feel really excited about his visit, but I am unexpectedly calm. This is something I've been waiting for for the past 5 years but how come I am much less excited than I should have been? I admit I am a much different person from who I used to be when I was 20, and I believe so is he. The uncertainty has probably driven down the excitement and elevated the confusion.