Matt

Last night I had a farewell party in the City of Power. I am leaving for the City of Gold in just a couple of days. I feel sad for leaving so many good friends here; some of them are really my heart-to-heart friends. I have no such friends in the City of Gold, except for Ian, who lives a couple of hours away from the City of Gold.

So a while ago I promised to write about Matt. He is a great-looking, incredibly smart and funny guy. We have become heart-to-heart friends since Cato broke up with me. Before I dated Cato, I always had a crush on Matt but he was dating someone else. Then he wanted to break up with his girlfriend to date me but I was dating Cato exclusively back then so he continued to date his girlfriend. A few months ago, he finally broke up with his girlfriend and I have always been a supportive friend the whole time. Even before he broke up with his girlfriend, I told him his girlfriend needed to love herself more; I even wanted to speak with his girlfriend in person but of course I never did.

Anyway, since we both became single we start to talk to each other about everything. We exchanged the most personal, difficult traumas we went through in our lives. He's a quiet person, a child of two divorces and of a family of overachieving geniuses. On the other hand, because he grew up in such a screwed up family, he's got pretty serious problems with intimacy. And I have recently conquered my fear for intimacy, which allows us to heal each other from time to time.

Last night after the party Matt came to my place to pick up a few things for me. Upon farewell, he said for the third time that he was feeling sad. I told him I was feeling sad too; in fact I was about to cry but I did not because he told me not to cry over him. Then we had two big hugs before he left.

At some point during the party, I was telling my friends that I am now looking for marriage so I will no longer be anyone's girlfriend; it will be either a date or a fiance. I don't plan to become exclusive with any man until someone gives me a ring and I am not going sleep with any of them anyway. Then I got a lot of bombardments from both girls and guys. Then I said, "when I become exclusive with someone I get really emotionally attached to that guy and then he just withdraws. It's too much investment of time and energy on my part and it only favors the guy... Also when I was exclusive with a guy I missed out a lot of opportunities." Then Matt asked me, "but do you regret missing those opportunities?" I said, "Yes!", looking into his eyes for almost five seconds, recalling what happened to us when I was dating Cato, and wondering if Matt was recalling the same thing.

In conclusion, Matt is an amazing guy and we have so much chemistry. If I hadn't been through the emotional maturing process that I went through for the past 6 months, I would be chasing him like I used to do to other men. But now I'm able to feel strongly what he is unable to provide me emotionally because he is quite shut down in that respect, and I am moving "up" to a higher place in my love life.