#100

This is my 100th entry in this blog although there's really no one that reads my blog.

I haven't updated my life for a while because my mood swings every day. As I mentioned before, I am being coached by someone in Los Angeles and I need to sink into my feelings at any moment. So far I have really completely stopped beating myself but I have become really emotional and oftentimes I find myself unable to cover up those emotions in front of other people; I shouldn't anyway according to the coach. As of right now I am feeling sad and afraid.

This afternoon I went to a library to work. On my way there I saw a puppy that looked exactly like my dog Baby. I played with it for a while and afterwards I cried in the library bathroom because I was missing Baby so much. I felt so guilty for leaving her to my parents. I recalled those parting moments with Baby and they are just so sad. Then I went back to work.

In the evening I went to a fast food restaurant for dinner, by myself. At the beginning I was feeling excited for finally having some junk food for the past 2 months. After ordering I sat down at a table listening to their blasting loud music. I was moving and humming with the music until I realized it was California Girls by the Beach Boys. I was shocked upon the realization and all of the sudden felt so heavy because I listened to the Beach Boys after Cato recommended them to me; they are his favorite band. But I didn't feel sad yet because the song was quite cheerful. Then the radio started to play something else so my mind just left it. And moments later, I heard the prelude of an extremely familiar song, and my tears just rolled down my face. It was With or Without You by U2. U2 is Ivan's favorite band and used to be my favorite band and that song was Ivan's favorite song and the saddest song to him too. I listened to the lyrics, thought about what has happened to me since Ivan broke up with me 3 years ago, and I really cried in public, although nobody saw me.

For the past month Cato didn't come across my mind that much until a couple of days ago when I got that weird flu. Before I felt sick, we were at a conference together and after the conference he drove to a party with some colleagues. It was my first time to see his car and to see him drive. After I got home I had an emotional meltdown. I cried for a few hours and talked to my mom on Skype about how scared I was. After a bout of cry my head began to hurt so I took some acetaminophen before bed. Somehow when I was suffering from the fever and body aches during sleep all I could think of was Cato. I have let go of him but every time when I'm sick there is really no one in my life that I could turn to for help, although a couple of days ago Tanner was the one who got me ice cream. I'm sure Cato will be out of my mind again as soon as I start to feel physically well, i.e. no more menstrual cramps.

Cato was the second longest relationship I had and the sexual intimacy we developed was the same as me and Ivan's. But it hurts just as much because before Cato I had not done anything intimate or even touched a guy for more than one year. I wanted a clean slate start because I wanted whatever that came along to be a perfect fairy tale. I put in so much hope and faith because Cato is young and he gave me all that big talk on romance and love. It's been 6 months now. When will I be able to forget about all the pain? Am I really unable to heal the wounds caused by past trauma? I got over that one-week thing with Richard after 6 years. How long will it take me to get over my one year with Ivan and 2 months with Cato?