No one.

No one is reading this blog, which feels sadder than my real life. In my real life I just realized if I expose myself to others they just estrange from me, even my really good friends, including Tanner. A couple of weeks ago I lost control of my tears and cried on the phone when he told me that because I'm sad a lot he finds it difficult to be my friend. A week ago I hung out with another good friend for a beer and I revealed myself as a sad person and told him how I grew up and this friend is no longer initiating any interaction with me anymore. Should I really let go of all my disguise and just be who I am in order to meet the right one but at the same time driving everyone else away?

People always talk about their dream job, their dream man. But I really don't have a dream job or dream man. I only see a dream family--the four or six of us wearing the same T-shirts hanging out at the Disney World with ice cream. I only see myself being rich but I don't see myself doing something specific. Most of the men I dated were not that attractive. Most of them share some interests but not that many with me. For example Ivan and I barely had any interests in common and we ate completely different foods but I could be with him for the longest time. Recently I also realized there are still things that he gave me in this apartment.

When I was with Ivan I was able to be completely myself. I was not afraid of telling him anything in my mind and about myself. I could cry whenever I want to in front of him, get angry, act like a little girl, lie in bed being weak from terrible menstrual cramps while he'd warm up my stomach with his hands; I could even write a diary just for him, i.e. how I started this blog. I can no longer do that with anyone anymore; when I try to do that these so-called friends just run away and begin to ignore me. People always say women have be stay mysterious to keep their partners hooked but if there are so many things that can't be told to my partner how can he be my best friend? He was my bestest friend ever until he chose his family and the bitch back home over me.

If my inner self is so unlikeable for anyone, what can I do to feel secure about who I am? I don't think the way I feel about things can be changed. In fact I don't think how I feel and respond to things emotionally has ever changed since born. I never grew up you can say. My mind is usually not present and wandering around some mental images that are not real. People always say we need to be present and live in the moment; yes I do notice the beauty of the present from time to time but there is always an escape wonderland in my mind that much more beautiful than the reality. I pay attention to the flowers, the nice weather, historical buildings, people smiling at me but in my mind I see even better images such as someone holding my hands and laughing with me, someone spooning me from behind and hug me tight, or even someone landing from the sky and saving me and flying me to somewhere so beautiful without pain and grief, which is something I've been picturing since elementary school.