Corrective experience and EMDR tomorrow

 I have another EMDR session tomorrow and I’ve been working with ChatGPT on what I should be working on for this upcoming session. My 6th sense tells me that Gen is gonna disappear from our penpaling. And yes, my 6th sense has never been wrong and I hate it for being so accurate. So ChatGPT thinks I should be working on the following target statement:

“I’m always the one left behind. No one comes for me. I always have to do everything alone.”

I desperately need some corrective experiences so that the feeling of abandonment stored in my body can be diminished. Then it occurred to me—when I erased the pain that came with a relationship, I also erased the feeling of safety that I once received, so I’ll try to recall some safe moments.

1. Well, I can no longer have amnesia about Ivan because our relationship was formative to my life. Ever since having c-sections twice my period and menstrual cramps have become more severe to a point where I am suffering from iron deficiency anemia. The flow fills up a super size tampon every 2 hours even when I’m sleeping and as a result for the first two nights of each period I can’t really sleep through the night. This is really affecting my life and I’m thinking about getting a hormonal IUD. I’ve been bedridden almost all day today because I’m feeling faint and weak and dizzy. Then it occurred to me when I was with Ivan and when I had bad menstrual cramps, he would warm up my lower stomach with his hands and hold me until I fell asleep. Yes, he really held me a lot, physically. I have not been held by Angel for years. The last time I had a decent hug was when Eric last came to visit me, at the end of July. Ivan would tuck me in bed and I was pampered like a baby. He confronted people when they spread rumors about me. He protected me emotionally, socially and physically during our time together. He was the only one who did so among so many men I’ve been with. Erasing all these memories with Ivan meant that my body had been living without safety and therefore I kept equating love to someone who wouldn’t show up. I want to restore these memories of safety in my body now.

2. The moment I had on the prairie overlooking the ocean made me feel so safe this summer when I did the roadtrip with them ids. It was a cliff and right after the storm. The air was warm and very humid, and the prairie was almost empty and completely quiet. I could only hear the wind, the ocean, and some birds and cicadas. I was alone on that prairie, and I was so safe. The clouds were low and the sun was hiding somewhere. In that moment I felt the universe was protecting me.

3. The hug Eric and I had when he first came to visit me in June. The very long hug that took place the day right after Angel tackled me. I cried a bit in his embrace. That may have been the most memorable hug in my life so far. 

4. That night when Ken picked me up from my hotel at 2am after he landed in the City of Gold just so that I could crash at his corporate apartment made me feel safe and that I could finally relax. He helped me with such heavy suitcases, when I was absolutely scared and stressed out from relocating to the City of Gold. It felt like someone was willing to share my burden for once.

5. The song Gen wrote for me was real. Even if he disappears from now on, the song stays with me and as he’s said to me, the song is dedicated to me and only to me. It was my song and my feelings were seen for once. My story moved him so he wrote the song, no matter how easy it was for him. Whenever I listen to the song, I feel safe and sometimes I’d listen to Chasing Time only for the whole day.

If only X could hold me tonight, hold me from behind and cover me like a cape.