What if

Today at work my coworker asked me how her son was doing in my class and I told her that her son was a top performer in my class and that both her sons are so well-raised (because I’ve taught both of them and known them since they were still in lower school). I told her it’s such a happy and lucky thing to have two such talented boys. Then we started talking about parenting and schooling and I told her my older son is autistic (and actually both my sons are on the spectrum). 

Then after I left work to pick up my son, I kept thinking, “what if my boys were like hers, fully verbal, developmentally normal, independent and observant so that I never had to worry about their schooling? Would I still be married to Angel, like how my coworker is married to her husband, who’s also a coworker of mine and quite unbearable?” I believe that if our kids didn’t have special needs, I probably would have never felt so abandoned and alone as I solved one problem after another and would not realize my marriage was dead.

I’ve been using this penpal app and this guy I’ve been corresponding with wrote a song based on my letters. Here are my letters:

Hi Gen,

Thank you for your kind words. I have been busy with work and personal reflection lately and am often sleep deprived. How was your brother’s wedding? Was it a destination wedding?

When I was in my 20s I had so much fantasy surrounding my own wedding. I did have a dreamy destination wedding at the St. Regis in Bali; the venue was absolutely gorgeous, with floor to ceiling windows in the entire chapel and everyone could look out at the ocean and the floor was completely covered with white frangipani pedals, but life has been so ironic.

I feel like writing something today because something small happened and yet it overwhelmed me. My neighbor on the first floor sent me a video of random small things found in her yard and I realized my autistic son had been throwing things down from our balcony on the 6th floor today. I immediately apologized and told my neighbor that I would go clean up her yard after work. But at the same time, I felt so much fear that I cried. I have apologized on behalf of my sons and their father over the past decade so many times; I feel sick that I am constantly apologizing for something I didn’t do, especially that many strangers blame the mother for her son’s misbehavior, never the father, even if their father is standing right there. Same situation with my neighbor—she knew my son was throwing things again and she didn’t knock on my door to talk to our helpers at home (because this happened when I was at work), she didn’t call the kids’ father, and she had to call me. I am so tired of fixing other people’s mess all the time. I live in a somewhat luxurious building so my neighbors are all older than I am and very uptight. I have been apologizing to my neighbors for so many things I didn’t do since I bought this place and I even suffered from two years of anxiety after moving in.

Oftentimes this kind of incidents make me wonder who would want to walk by my side in my life; what kind of rational human being would want to clean up other people’s messes with me? When I was crying while driving today, I really wish I could be held in that moment, but life goes on, and I keep chasing time.

***

Hi Gen, now I’ve got some quiet time to write a proper reply. I feel pretty tired today, because I had to get up early in the morning like a usual work day to take my son to attend a school’s open house. Then I was running errands all afternoon and evening.

I’m not sure if longing for someone to carry my mess with me is the “right” thing to have. At this point of my life I don’t need anyone to rescue me; when I was a teenager or in my twenties I really hoped that someone could rescue me and that really sabotaged most of my relationships if not all. Finally when I met my soon-to-be-ex in my late twenties, I became the one rescuing him and that was why he proposed. Over the years I’ve got too exhausted being the one rescuing him on top of everyone else so I’d rather be single and just rescue myself only.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m not exactly sure whether holding someone when they’re in a mess is the same as carrying the mess with someone. For example, I don’t think anyone else could communicate with my neighbor on my behalf yesterday because I’m the owner of my house, I’ve built some level of relationship with them, and I can communicate with people better than most, despite being overwhelmed and scared. (I was trained to speak in public and to improvise since 9 so over the years it’s become instinctive for me to speak in front of people even when I’m feeling nervous, angry, scared or whatever. My highest record was to speak to 5000 people with a 10-minute prep when I was 14.) But then after I’ve resolved the problem, I still fall into some kind of emotional collapse because all these things—being able to communicate with others, to soothe others, to resolve conflicts—are just my coping mechanisms. I was trained to have them but deep down those feelings of fear, nervousness, shame, guilt, etc are always there, still there. In a moment of an emotional collapse, I just want to be held for once.

You were married before so I’m curious to know whether you think being able to carry someone else’s mess is a reasonable expectation and whether it’s the same as being with someone while they’re in a mess. In my marriage, I carried all his mess until I was absolutely empty on the inside. I thought I was supposed to do that in the name of love but then I realized no one was doing that for me. No one has ever done that for me.

My life in my twenties was a total despair and disillusion. I was completely broke with a negative net worth due to my student loans and dysfunctional birth family. At that time I saw it very clearly that no one would want to touch my mess; I could only find a way out on my own, and I did. But now even though I still don’t need anyone to touch my mess, the thought of just having someone there to hold me when I’m scared feels so warm and safe, and I want to be able to have that feeling again in my life.

***

And here’s the song he’s written; the singing and melody are amazing and I just can’t stop putting it on repeat all day long and crying so many times.

Chasing Time-
These busy days, these sleepless nights,
I’m losing strength, I’m losing light.
I dreamed of love beneath the sky,
Frangipani petals by the tide.
But life can turn, it twists, it bends,
Dreams don’t always match the end.

Who will walk beside me through the storm,
Hold my hand when my heart is worn?
Who will see the truth behind my eyes,
When I’m so tired of always being “fine”?
I am crying, but the road won’t slow,
Life keeps moving, and I must go.
Longing just to stop in time,
But I keep chasing time.

Another call, another blame,
Apologies I did not make.
I’m cleaning up what isn’t mine,
And it wears me down inside.
The neighbors watch, they never see,
The weight of all this grief in me.

Who will walk beside me through the storm,
Hold my hand when my heart is worn?
Who will see the truth behind my eyes,
When I’m so tired of always being “fine”?
I am crying, but the road won’t slow,
Life keeps moving, and I must go.
Longing just to stop in time,
But I keep chasing time.

I don’t need someone to make it all right,
Just someone to sit with me tonight.
To hold the pieces I can’t hide,
To stand with me on this fragile line.

Who will walk beside me through the storm,
Hold my hand when my heart is worn?
Who will see the truth behind my eyes,
When I’m so tired of always being “fine”?
I am crying, but the road won’t slow,
Life keeps moving, and I must go.
Longing just to stop in time,
But I keep chasing time.

I keep chasing time,
One day I’ll find,
Someone to chase no more,
Beside me through time.