Free days are the scariest.

 I’ve got 9 days off from work and while I try to catch up on my sleep and alone time, Angel’s parents are in town. They want to “maximize” their time with the two boys, however they define “maximize”. When I’m at work, I get so busy because my job is so demanding that I only get to use the bathroom twice within my 9 hours at work. After work, I tutor the kids and get them ready for bed, and then I pass out. My day is over, and another new day comes. But when I have time off from work, I have to absorb other people’s messes again and it’s draining me. I had my EMDR session yesterday morning and I’ve been feeling stressed since then. My therapist checked on me and here’s my reply:

Thanks for checking on me. After our session yesterday I went to visit my dad (it was the time of the month when I had to bring him some money and take him out for a meal). We did some shopping from Costco and I went home late in the evening. I felt unusually stressed yesterday that my HRV was very low compared to my usual rate last night. This morning I woke up feeling pretty lethargic even though I had 9 hours of sleep. After I woke up I saw my dad’s text saying that his warm, loving marriage and family are broken because my mom valued money over him and he did nothing wrong and that he really wanted to die.

This triggered a lot of anger in me and I texted back that he needed to see the reality that our family and his marriage had never been loving or warm. They relied on me to fix things for them, to pay for things and pay for their travels, and me to be the communicator between them. I’ve had enough. I told him if he wanted to be back with my mom, then I’d sell the house he’s living in right now and use that money to pay for them in a seniors home and they shall never disturb my life again; if he could accept it I’d do it right away.

Then he left my messages on read. 

I feel that there’s a lot of grieving I should be doing but my nervous system is too tired to do it now. What should I do when my nervous system is tired but I still need to be emoting?

***And here’s her reply:

Let your nervous system crash 

Do not engage if you don’t have too with your family

Rest, recover and rejuvenate 

***

What exactly does it mean to let my nervous system crash? I get another nervous breakdown like I did when Cato broke up with me in November 2011? Or I just sleep? Or do I keep crying until I pass out?

In my session yesterday we worked on trauma caused by sudden twists of life. The first time was in my senior year in high school—I prepared and worked so hard to study in the US but then couldn’t because my family couldn’t afford it. Even though I got into the best college in my hometown with just one month of prep, my family still shamed me, especially my dad because I didn’t get into their finance program. Then the City of Extremity. Then again the City of Gold. I loved the City of Gold so much and I just couldn’t find a job and stay. I wanted to have a life there so much and the universe had to end my dream right there. I had to go back to the City of Rain completely broke and jobless, had to face my broke and dysfunctional family and pick up the pieces for them. I picked up a job on the street because I needed the cash quick.

So we worked on: “The universe doesn’t want good things to stay with me” to “I am worthy of good things staying.” The session was heavy. I told her how I grieved Ivan in my early twenties and how much I tried to erase my memory of everything from 2008 to 2010. Our breakup was so bad and painful, and we didn’t even break up in person, so I tried to just erase both the good and bad, like it never existed. Back then I didn’t have money for therapy so that was the best I could do—not many human beings on earth can handle that kind of setback in life like I had to. When your career and relationship were finally in place and you thought that maybe you could finally rest and settle down, the universe absolutely took it away from you, giving you absolutely nothing to hold on to. I fought so hard for that job—I spent four years of college doing lots of academic stuff while most others were busy dating and partying and enjoying being young. I was so determined to leave the City of Rain because I wanted to leave my family so bad. And now, at age almost 40, my family are still in my life, causing me nervous breakdowns. F*ck.

Sometimes I wonder if I’d be truly free only after they’re dead. 

Then I wrote to Gen:

Hi Gen, did you write the letter at 5am?!?! Are you also a night owl?

Thank you for your compliments. First of all I don’t think I can make someone stop a heartbeat with my smile…actually, maybe I can.😅 second of all, writing lyrics is way too hard for me. I like to write, but mostly about pains. The way I write is to paint a picture of what happened and what I saw; when I write, I barely use adjectives because to me adjectives are subjective and they don’t capture the reality well.

I feel sad to know that you hold other people’s pain better and you use them to diminish the depth of your own pain. That’s the role of the caretaker, and I’ve observed that since the start of our correspondence. I have been in that role my whole life, until recently, but I’m still doing more caretaking than most others. I’m trying to take care of myself first. The truth is, pain is just pain, regardless of the circumstances. If there was a spectrum of pain or a hierarchy of pain across humans, then the world would be without compassion, whether for others or for ourselves, because we can always tell ourselves 比上不足，比下有餘. When we look at other people’s pain and think that their circumstances are much better than our own, then there’s no need to have compassion for them; when we see others with much more suffering than our own, then there’s no need for compassion for ourselves. I believe all humans deserve compassion because we were all born babies and when you see a baby cry, you know they’re in pain, in discomfort and need to be held. Why should that be different just because they’ve grown and built an architecture around them? That child is still sitting right in the center of the architecture and when they’re in pain, their structure can’t hold them; only another human can, or they can try to hold themselves. 

I do appreciate how many supportive words you’ve given me and I’d want to do the same for you, if you let me.

In my whole life I’ve got many friends that come and go. Some left because we moved to different places and some left because they thought I was too much. I often ended up in bad relationships, sudden disruptions in life or at work when I was in my 20s. Just when I thought I had finally got my happily ever after, the universe gave me kids with special needs, which created a big crack in my marriage, my life structures. I have been left alone again and again in the storms over the past decade and now, I barely know what it means to hope. 

Just like your friend’s story—they both ended up being single for such a long time and no one else can walk beside either of them through time. She carries so much shame for what she’s done and as a mother she also needs to protect her son (I’ve seen lots of news about kids being tortured by men who aren’t their biological fathers because their single mothers were dating these men.) It really takes a man with such a big heart, secure attachment, a man who’s actually been through storms to build a life together in this difficult situation. 

“One day I’ll find,
Someone to chase no more,
Beside me through time.”

These words give me hope, but in reality, I don’t know how much I can hope.

***

Tonight I really wish I could talk to X. I want to be in his embrace so that I can finally rest, relax, and not have to feel scared anymore. X, where the hell are you?