Revisit

Tonight I went to see A Big Bold Beautiful Journey by myself after the kids were asleep at the cinema in my neighborhood, as I had promised myself for this weeklong vacation. It turned out I didn’t cry as much as I thought I would. I cried a few times but not all the way because the story is quite shallow. It’s not even as deep as The Notebook or even just The Purple Heart. Their memories behind those doors weren’t very traumatic and it feels quite distant for someone who’s been through so much like me. The movie is about how two soulmates accidentally found each other but we’re both so scared, but even though Colin Farrell said he sees her in the movie, it’s not even close to how Eric sees me. That’s why this movie didn’t resonate that much with me.

After the movie, I kept thinking about what Ivan said to me when he broke up with me, “you need someone better to take care of you.” Then I recalled the past 16 years, and I’ve realized that I’ve been the only one taking care of myself, and others. No one has taken care of me; I’ve always taken care of everything myself. Trying to put the broken pieces back together again and again, being back on my feet, dealing with scary things and people all alone, driving everyone everywhere, becoming a multi-millionaire in USD, dealing with my kids’ disability. I’ve done everything all by myself. What exactly did he hope for me when he said that to me? Did he really think there would be someone on earth who could help me do all those things, or do those things with me, or to take care of me? No one is capable of touching my mess, let alone standing by me while I keep fighting. Even my two brothers couldn’t handle a fraction of what burdens me and now we’re not talking to each other at all.

Then I had the courage to read my blog entries from 2009 to 2010. It was the most shameful year of my life and I never wanted to face it again but after the movie I read through everything I wrote in that period of time. Ivan and I were so young and naive. He even flew to Newark Airport with me when I left. I didn’t even remember that part; all I could remember was his face, his smile because that was the last time I saw him. Then I kept crying after the plane took off.

I think because I never fully processed my breakup with Ivan, the relationships that followed were all disastrous, eventually I had a nervous breakdown when Cato broke up with me which led me to some soul searching, but not as consistent as my therapies these days.

I also read that back then I wished someone could write something for me. Well, now I’ve got Gen to write me a song in both languages at age 39; when Angel and I were first dating he would write me letters and then it died out. He didn’t even bother to write a wedding vow on his own; he just got the template from the internet and asked his dad to read it for us and we just repeated it. I finally had my beautiful wedding in Bali, and we didn’t even bother to write our own wedding vows. That’s how ironic life is.

Since everyone will leave me eventually, I want to keep a record of Gen’s words from a few days ago:

Haha, yes, I did write that letter at 5 a.m., guilty as charged. I’m very much a night owl. It’s the only time when the world gets quiet enough for me to think and write without interruptions. Also, I think I mentioned, I interpret for hospitals and clinics in the US, Canada, and the UK, so I follow their work hours ( graveyard for me, which is perfect!)

I honestly believe you could make someone’s heartbeat skip, but I like how you said “maybe” with that little emoji. 😅 That was cute.

I admire the way you write. Painting pictures of what you’ve seen, using very few adjectives, that’s a skill in itself. It’s harder than people think to write with such restraint and still capture reality. Maybe it’s because you’re trying to show life as it is, not dress it up.

What you wrote about pain really struck a chord. You’re right, pain is just pain. There’s no real hierarchy, even though we like to tell ourselves there is. I think you put it beautifully with the image of the baby still sitting at the center of the architecture we’ve built around ourselves. That’s a truth people rarely articulate. And yes, when the structure cracks, only another human can hold us, or we try to hold ourselves. Reading that, I thought about how often I’ve done exactly what you described: holding others’ pain and using it to make my own feel smaller. I hadn’t realized it until you put it into words so clearly, tho. I want you to know that your words to me are also supportive. They’ve been helping me reflect. If you’d like to offer me support, I’d be glad to accept it. It feels good, even healing, when someone says, “I see you.”

I’m sorry you’ve been through so many storms. Moving, friends leaving, relationships breaking down, hopes getting reshaped, and on top of that, raising children with special needs while your marriage cracked under the strain. That’s an unimaginable load. And yet, here you are, still writing, still thinking deeply, still offering compassion to someone like me. That tells me a lot about your strength and heart.

Yea, single mothers protecting their children is heartbreaking but so real. I’ve seen similar cases, too often, in my interpreting work and in the news. It’s one of those things that stays with you because it’s both terrifying and humbling. And you’re right, it really does take a man with a secure heart and one who’s been through storms himself to stand with a woman in that situation and build something lasting. But I guess it's up to my friend and his ex to work things out by taking the first step. I trust my friend will be a supportive partner, but both of them need to take the first step slowly and carefully.

“One day I’ll find,
Someone to chase no more,
Beside me through time.”

They’re powerful because they hold both hope and vulnerability. Although you may not know how much you can hope, the fact that you still do is already an act of hope.

I don’t think hope is a fixed thing, like a switch. It’s more like a pulse. Sometimes faint, sometimes strong, but always there. And just because life has given you storms doesn’t mean you’re done with companionship or love. I don’t know what your future holds, but someone reading your words would know: this is a person worth walking beside.

Every time you write, I feel like you’re letting me step a little closer to the truth of who you are. That’s a rare gift.

Gen

P.S. We're liking the outcome with your lyrics ;) we've been recording with your lyrics all day, having so much fun, and tweaked the melody a little :P

***That part where he thinks I’m worth walking beside really moved me.

This is one of the emails I wrote him today:

I feel happy to know that you can be yourself when talking to me, or just writing to me. Yes, I get scared easily. Even when I’m driving, if someone’s yelling on the street, I’d flinch. Being in my car should be a totally safe place for me but that kind of yelling, screaming or loud noises all scare me. I’m also a hypervigilant driver; if anyone is being aggressive on the street I’d quickly get out of their way. I think I haven’t told you about this—I’m actually a survivor of domestic violence, which is why relationships never worked for me and why I’m still doing trauma therapy. The gun shots in One Battle After Another actually disturbed me and I didn’t realize I should have brought earplugs with me.

Why does talking to me give you chill ideas? I’d assume I’m full of drama.😅 I like the new song you just wrote, and I’m curious to know the melody you have in mind. The song isn’t that chill tho because “pain is fun” and “life is wild but we can’t say no”. It’s almost depressive!