Loyal?

Today I hung out with Angel’s parents and the kids and then I realized they trigger me so much. Their inability to be emotionally attuned to me, to focus on what my real point is behind my words rather than the factuality of my words makes me believe that his whole family is probably on the spectrum. 

Anyway, in Gen’s letters to me today, he said, “You were drenched and stranded in the storm, trying to reach him while he stayed inside. And you were convincing yourself at the time that you were “the crazy one” for expecting otherwise. That breaks my heart, because that’s exactly how so many people silence their own needs in relationships. That you stayed for ten years after moments like that shows how deeply you wanted to believe, how much hope and loyalty you had.”

The last part about “loyalty” really got me thinking for a long time. I am very loyal, and it’s hard for me to stop believing that people could change. That’s why I kept fixing the messes for my parents, hoping that after each fix they’d grow up; I kept fixing Angel, teaching him everything that he should have learned as a child and explaining the most basic social etiquette to him day after day, hoping that he’d love me enough to learn and improve. But life really doesn’t work that way. 

In the end, at least now I’m finally mature enough to see that the only person I can grow is myself and the only people I have faith in are my children. Despite their special needs and disabilities, I would not stop believing in them. Only with my children I believe that my love is strong enough to unlock things in them, just like in How to Train Your Dragon.

Have I ever been loved in a way that made me grow? I think only with Ivan, not even with Ken, or Angel, or Eric or Jes because only Ivan and I had a real commitment together. Even though Angel and I committed very quickly it all happened at the expense of me shrinking myself. My growth in my marriage started on the day when Little O was dismissed after spending 9 days in his first pre-school. I had to overcome my social phobia to talk to powerful people and figure things out for Little O’s schooling situation and I realized Angel was absolutely useless in the process. 

Here’s what I wrote to Gen tonight:

Hi Gen, I just want to let you know that I did read your letters first thing I got up today but my whole day was packed with errands with my family and I didn’t have time to be quiet and send you an email until just now. And I really want to be able to wish you a happy moon festival before it ends. I was so busy all day that I didn’t have a chance to see the full moon. I just tried to look for it on all of my balconies but simply couldn’t see it now. I guess I’ve missed it.

I thought you’d ask me to WhatsApp you🤣.

I cried reading your letters, and I’m so touched to know that you’ve been working on my lyrics all day. I appreciate how much you admire my words. I cannot wait to listen to it when it’s done.

My therapist thinks crying is a very healthy thing so of course your music making me cry is a good thing. I’m someone who cries very easily and it has never change since I was born. I was a colic baby (or highly sensitive) but developmentally I was very easy for my parents; I started taking care of my younger brother when I was three and no one had to take care of me. Tomorrow morning I have a talk therapy as well and I shared the songs with her too. I’ll let you know what she thinks.

Your reason for being a night owl is exactly like mine. I send my kids to bed at 8pm but after that I need at least 3 to 4 hours to myself, because the time when the whole world is asleep is too precious to me. I need the quietness and solitude. However it creates somewhat a problem for me because I work regular hours and I have to get up at 6:30am and I cannot be late for work at all (I’ve never been late for work once). I end up being sleep deprived quite often. When I have days off and let my body go with the flow, my ideal sleep hours are 2am to 10am and when I go back to work it feels almost like getting into a new time zone.

When you called me “loyal” it really got me thinking a lot and gave me an ache. When I am committed to someone, when I say those three words, I’m pretty much willing to do anything to preserve the structure of the relationship. In my marriage, I didn’t have any physical intimacy for six years (haha if you do the math, yes the last time was when I conceived my second child😅) and I was willing to stay for the sake of loyalty. From the start of our relationship he didn’t like my job, my work hours, my friends, so I quit my job and stopped hanging out with my friends for his sake and dived into his world completely even though I didn’t like his friends either. I wish I had known better back then and known how to love myself. Now, I don’t even know what it means to be loyal. I can only be loyal to my kids and myself. 

I have to give a talk at my kid’s school tomorrow so I must go to bed early now (it’s early for me because I’m currently on a break; during work days I have to go to bed before 10).

Oh also, I wanna let you know how much Chasing Time means to me. Whenever I feel scared I just keep listening to it and it makes me feel safe again.

Night!