How hard could it be?

These couple of days have been somewhat depressing for me. Besides being sleep deprived and working crazily during work hours, I keep having this thought, “who in the world would do what I’ve done for love, for me?”

In the first month of me dating Angel, I got completely drenched on a typhoon day to see him, and he never left his house the entire time. The storm was so bad that even the subway stopped running and it was so hard for me to find a taxi home. When I got home, I was completely pained, soaked, defeated. Then I chose to stay in the relationship because I told myself that I was the crazy one.

Then I also gave up my job at the prime time of the career so that our structures could align. That teaching job gave me much more fulfillment because most of classes were packed with over 100 adults who all worshipped me, but our work hours were completely different. To be with him I gave up that job and took on the job where I was seen as his collateral for years. People at our workplace assumed that I was hired because of him for years, until a few years ago I took over the most challenging course in the entire school and people started to see me differently. That year I worked from 7 to 7 almost every day, and Little N was only one year old. 

When I married Angel, I was ready to raise my kids in a rental apartment and ride in taxis for the rest of my life. I was fine with all kinds of suffering for the sake of love, of being chosen. But what have I got? Zero protection. Abandonment, again and again. Zero understanding, zero compassion. 

Am I the crazy one or is the world just too sick? No man has ever done for me what I’ve done for love. Is it because they’d rather do it to other women but not me? Or is it because they just wouldn’t do it for any woman? ChatGPT keeps telling me that if X shows up, I’d notice his protective presence right away, but how do I believe in something that I’ve never experienced before? The closest protective presence I’ve had was with Eric, when we were still in the City of Gold in 2012. And maybe Ian too when we were both living in CA. I didn’t even feel protected when I was with Ken, because there have been multiple nights when I had to go home by myself because he was too tired to walk me home. When I was in the City of Power, there were some male friends who would always walk me home, but that was also because the City of Power wasn’t safe.

My whole life has been so unprotected. Is it because I want too much? I am so tired of protecting everyone and myself and yet no one protects me. When can I relax in X’s embrace? Just tell me when. I am really tired, and sometimes this feeling of loneliness, fear, and tiredness feels so endless.

Now I just remembered—I had a dream about Eric last night. He was here in the country where I live, and we were maybe traveling and trying new food, and there was this beautiful lagoon-like kind of place, and I was somewhat restless. I can’t remember much of it, but maybe this is why he came to my mind today and I had a feeling that we’d just drift apart for good again, despite all the loving things he’s said to me.

Do words ever really matter in the end? Fear always wins, doesn’t it? Who in the world would give up their job, their friends, and their family just so that they could be with the person that they love? Besides me, who else can do it?